Community› The Bump Message Boards› Pre-School and Daycare
Pre-School and Daycare
New Discussion

When your child is not a people pleaser...

schnappycatschnappycat member
in Pre-School and Daycare

How do you handle discpline, rewards, and that sort of thing? DS is most definitely not a people pleaser and could care less if it's making us (or other people) happy or proud of him. Extrinsic motivation is not what he is about. He'll do things on his terms when he wants to. So I'm having trouble figuring out how to work on rewards for good behavior (and likewise, punishments) since all of the heaping praise in the world doesn't faze him. Those little sticker charts are a joke and positive reinforcement goes in one ear and out the other. I'm at a loss. Friends say I should give little prizes or treats for good behavior (and for goals like PTing), but that just doesn't work with my kid. Timeouts and taking toys away are also lost on him--he just doesn't view them as punishments. Ahhh!

Any advice for these types of kids? He's gotten very bratty (spoiled, unappreciative of his nice toys, classes, etc., uncompassionate, you name it) lately and I need to do a discipline overhaul now. 

Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
Report Reply to Post

Re: When your child is not a people pleaser...

  • howleyshellhowleyshell member

    Dear lord... not only is Jace not a people pleaser type but he's actually a button pusher to boot.

    So not only will he not do what you ask, he'll go out of his way to try different approaches to get a rise out of you.

    So far what's helping is discovering his currency.

    If rewards or punishment don't impact him, what does?

    What does he like or need?

    For example... potty talk is the death of me right now.  I started with outlawing it at the table.  When they said a potty word - meal was over and taken away from them.  Better luck next time.

    For Jace I'm his biggest currency.  The thing that gets him in the gut is when I walk away from him.  You're not going to put on your shoes when I ask you to?  Fine... I'm going to go load myself and older bro in the car.  He FLIPS the hell out and moves faster than you can imagine.

    You're not going to behave properly at the grocery store?  Fine - next time Mommy and older bro will go alone and you can stay home with Daddy.

    Right now my leverage is a birthday party tomorrow.  He knows full well if he doesn't listen and mind he's not going.  I don't make idle threats.  I'll follow thru and he knows full well I will.

     

    As for the dawdling thing?  Cured Dylan of that one once by putting him in the car in his underwear and tossing his clothes on the floor when he was flat out refusing to get dressed at home.  He BEGGED me to let him get dressed the whole drive to the doctor's office (where I was going to have a miscarriage ultra sound by the way - not one of my best mornings).

    I let him get dressed in the car once I parked and he has never never never balked at getting dressed again.

     

    I know this kinda thing sounds cruel but I find that the more upset they are with/by a situation the greater the chances are that a lesson is being learned.

     

    I'm a mean, mean, mean Momma! 

    Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
    Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • Dreamsicle23Dreamsicle23 member
    imagehowleyshell:

    I'm a mean, mean, mean Momma! 

    No way!  You are an awesome, no BS mama! 

    Photobucket

    Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless

    Report Reply
  • shouldbworkinshouldbworkin

    DS was like this.  We recently started using a positive ad campaign with him, especially for not listening.  I just lay it on thick, "It makes me so proud when you are a good listener, I know you are the best listener in the world, we need to do X in 5 minutes, so I know when I ask you to do X, you will get up and do it b/c you are mom's awesome listener." And on and on and on.  He went from a kid who couldn't care less about what someone thought about him, to someone who did care and reacts well to this positive reinforcement whenever I need to use it.  Maybe it's b/c I'm not coming right out and saying, do this b/c I asked you to, which is something he is too stubborn to do.  I also lather on the praise after he does what I ask him to. 

    choices also helped a lot when my DS was your DS's age.  Do you want to go to the bathroom now or in 5 minutes?  He always picked 5 mins, which was fine with me.  B/c he went to the bathroom, which is what I wanted.  Do you want to put your coat on or should mom?  I didn't care what he picked, as long as the coat went on.  Sometimes I let him learn lessons the hard way.  YOu don't want to wear your coat, ok, just tell me when you get cold.  And sometimes he needs to race against the clock instead of me.  So, I will say, we are leaving the house in 5 minutes and set a timer.  When it goes off, I walk out the door.  The follow, even if they're carrying their jacket and still putting on shoes. 

    DS1 age 7, DD age 5 and DS2 born 4/3/12
    Report Reply
  • PeskyPesky member
    I agree with the choices and letting the chips fall where they may.  I agree with howleyshel -- find his currency, be it playing alone or being with you or whatever.  Oftentimes the natural consequence of his actions can play into the currency like acting out in public so you leave him home (love & logic went as far as to suggest making the misbehaving child pay for the sitter out of his/her allowance money, which I love, but DD just gets spare change so we'll let that go for now).  Check out 1-2-3 Magic and Love & Logic.  A lot of times it might be he is looking for some sign of empowerment and acknowledging that it is his choice.  Just be sure to enforce the consequences.  I know there are also some great books on parenting a spirited kid (I think howleyshel might have a rec on one) that could give you some ideas.  Just be consistent and realize he is choosing the consequence, it's not you doing anything.


    image
    DD -- 5YO
    DS -- 3YO

    Report Reply
  • KGskyKGsky member
    imagehowleyshell:

    I let him get dressed in the car once I parked and he has never never never balked at getting dressed again.

     

    I know this kinda thing sounds cruel but I find that the more upset they are with/by a situation the greater the chances are that a lesson is being learned.

     

    I'm a mean, mean, mean Momma! 

    I like your style!  It's so funny how you have to figure out what matters to your kid.  Me walking away from DD doesn't faze her in the least.  For the longest time I've been baiting her with this princess party--which is now over. So...I'm looking for more currency!  That said, it does work!

    Report Reply
  • KGskyKGsky member
    imagehowleyshell:

    I let him get dressed in the car once I parked and he has never never never balked at getting dressed again.

     

    I know this kinda thing sounds cruel but I find that the more upset they are with/by a situation the greater the chances are that a lesson is being learned.

     

    I'm a mean, mean, mean Momma! 

    I like your style!  It's so funny how you have to figure out what matters to your kid.  Me walking away from DD doesn't faze her in the least.  For the longest time I've been baiting her with this princess party--which is now over. So...I'm looking for more currency!  That said, it does work!

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"