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5/17/09 Silverlake Sprint Triathlon 1:28:32
10/3/09 Susan G. Komen 5K 28:58
1/17/10 Chevron Half Marathon 2:09:08
2/27/10 ConocoPhilips Rodeo Run 10K 1:10:49
My MIL makes me feel like a bad mom
I will start off by saying I am a sensitive person so I may be reading more into this but it seems everytime I am around her she says something to get under my skin. Here are a few examples:
1. She came over one day when DS was not feeling well and I feed him then asked for her to stay long enough so I could drop off my drycleaning which is 10 minutes away. I get home and she has given him a full 8oz bottle of milk and he throws up all over her. I feel she was superceding me telling her he was full and as soon as I left she decided to give him more.
2. She has owned a highchair for my nephews for a few years but when we go to her house she asks me if we brought our highchair. When I say no she says,"Oh, ok I thought Kyle could sit with us a the table but I guess not (with a sigh). Then she ask me if I brought a cloth bib and I say no I brought a plastic one since I am feeding him baby food. She was concerned he was drooling too much on his outfit. Again she sighs and says, " Oh, ok and looks over at my SIL." Then she asks me if I brought his stroller and I said no because there is no need for it. She sighs again and says well I thought we could use that so Kyle can be at the table but that is ok." I tell her that he would want to look around and would not be happy in his stroller and that it would be better if he is on my lap and she says, "ok, whatever you think."
It is the tone though that drives me nuts. When DS was smaller she took him out of my arms while I was feeding him and said that she would take over up stairs and it would be great if I could clean up the kitchen while she is feeding him. I wanted to take him back but I restrained myself because I did not want to upset anyone.
5/17/09 Silverlake Sprint Triathlon 1:28:32
10/3/09 Susan G. Komen 5K 28:58
1/17/10 Chevron Half Marathon 2:09:08
2/27/10 ConocoPhilips Rodeo Run 10K 1:10:49
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My MIL makes me feel like a bad mom
Oh, hell no! I wouldn't have let her take him and I would have marched right over to DH and told him I expected him to do something right then and there. Then again, we have had issues with my MIL and he always steps in immediately because I told him from the beginning that if he didn't I would. It wasn't a threat, but I wasn't about to let her take control.
We have the same issue with my MIL always wanting to feed Evan or put him down for a nap when it isn't time to eat or sleep. But luckily, they live 4 + hours away and she is never left alone with him.
I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Have you talked to your DH? Has he talked to his mom? I'd start there and see if he can get through to her or see her less often.
Dx: PCOS and short luteal phase
18 cycles (3 with our RE) - Metformin + Clomid + HCG booster did the trick!
BFP #1 6/22/09 EDD: 3/2/10 DS born: 3/8/10
TTC #2 since Dec 2011
BFP #2 7/8/12 EDD: 3/18/12 M/C @ 9w1d: 8/16/12
Ei Ei Ei! I would have not been as gracious as you! I would have blown a gasket!
Moms and MILs have a tendency to play their 'older and wiser' card a little too heavily sometimes, especially the MILs.... I'm sorry you are going through this frustration. I have added some suggestions:
"I will start off by saying I am a sensitive person so I may be reading more into this but it seems everytime I am around her she says something to get under my skin. Here are a few examples:" I don't think you are reading into it, if your recounts are accurate.
"1. She came over one day when DS was not feeling well and I feed him then asked for her to stay long enough so I could drop off my drycleaning which is 10 minutes away. I get home and she has given him a full 8oz bottle of milk and he throws up all over her. I feel she was superceding me telling her he was full and as soon as I left she decided to give him more." GOOD BABY!
Looks like he showed her! LOL
"2. She has owned a highchair for my nephews for a few years but when we go to her house she asks me if we brought our highchair. When I say no she says,"Oh, ok I thought Kyle could sit with us a the table but I guess not (with a sigh)." If this happens again, you could say "I thought we could use yours, is there a problem with your high chair?"
"Then she ask me if I brought a cloth bib and I say no I brought a plastic one since I am feeding him baby food. She was concerned he was drooling too much on his outfit. Again she sighs and says, " Oh, ok and looks over at my SIL." You could always respond in like with a knowing smile to SIL and a sigh.
"Then she asks me if I brought his stroller and I said no because there is no need for it. She sighs again and says well I thought we could use that so Kyle can be at the table but that is ok." I tell her that he would want to look around and would not be happy in his stroller and that it would be better if he is on my lap and she says, "ok, whatever you think."" This would have been the nail on the head for me, I might have replied "You're right (big smile), it IS whatever I think. You know? It is so nice to have someone understand this! So many people try to give unsolicited advice! I understand they might have BTDT, but it IS my child, after all, and I really do know him better than anyone else! (stellar big innocent smile)".
"It is the tone though that drives me nuts. When DS was smaller she took him out of my arms while I was feeding him and said that she would take over up stairs and it would be great if I could clean up the kitchen while she is feeding him. I wanted to take him back but I restrained myself because I did not want to upset anyone."Upset smupset. I would have snatched him back immediately!
You are your child's mother. If this is really bothering you, perhaps ask your husband to talk to her about respect and supporting you as his wife and the mother of her grandbabies? I have had to ask my dh to talk to his mother in the past. If it doesn't work, sometime when your ds is down for nap or out of ear/arm shot, you could always talk to her, something to the effect of, "I respect that you have wisdom to share with me, you obviously did well by your son because he is a great man. BUT, I am a young mother and feel that you are condescending to me at times, attempt to overrule my authority with my own child, and don't treat me as a competent mother, but as a child myself. You may never have meant for it to come across that way, but some things you have done/said in the past HAVE."
That would give her a chance to deny it and defend her actions, or not deny it and explain her actions. It might cause a temporary rift in your relationship if she is not mature enough to handle confrontations, but it won't ruin it forever - she has a grandbaby to think about.
I am so sorry that she is doing this to you. You are a great mom, from the sounds of it. You know what ds likes, how full he feels, and are concerned enough about the family dynamic that you have suffered in silence for quite some time - you are a GREAT mom - don't allow her make you feel otherwise.
My MIL and I had a HUGE falling out about 2 years into our marriage. I didn't have my son yet, but I had 3 step children. I laid the law down with my husband. Her or me. And if he wanted me, then he had to stick up for me to her. I wasn't going to defend myself with her anymore. At 5 years into our marriage we finally get along when we are together and we are approaching 7 and things are much better from where we started. I dont do much with them, and dont leave my son with them very often. (I know I will probably get flamed for denying grandparents etc. but it is a difficult situation.)
My point -
1) Start with your husband. Tell him the issues (though he was probably sitting right there), he doesn't get it and doesn't "see" it like you took it. Explain how it affects you and then ask him to help you. (Note: My H and I have a code word that triggers the - she is going to die, and I am going to leave this house and you will walk home - thought.) He has put up with her for 30+ years and doesn't see it the way you do. He also lets it go in one ear and out the other. Where to you it is nails on a chalk board!
2) When she asks a stupid question reply with a stupid answer. "Why can't we use your highchair, is it broke?" "A plastic bib works great, we have been using them for months now, no need for cloth and not being able to get the stains out easily" I know it is much easier to look back and say 'man I wish I said that' - but it will come easily.
3) If you dont like something that is going on with your child then let her know. You and your H have to set the boundaries with her. If you let her run over your family she will continue to do so. But that goes back to number 1 where you and H have to sit down and set those and define the roles. Note: this will be hard to implement and there will be push back from MIL, but stand firm. She will get it, maybe.
YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM! And no one should make you feel that way.
This Exactly -- "I am so sorry that she is doing this to you. You are a great mom, from the sounds of it. You know what ds likes, how full he feels, and are concerned enough about the family dynamic that you have suffered in silence for quite some time - you are a GREAT mom - don't allow her make you feel otherwise. "
HUGS!
The 1st thing that happened (with food) is my mom to a T! She is always saying how ds need to eat more etc etc. Yeah, he's puked at least once because of that and now that he is older, she'll still offer a lot of food but he won't eat it.
Right now, I'm dealing with her watching him on Monday nights and insisting he isn't tired and doesn't need to go to sleep until 9:30-10pm. *sigh* His normal bed time is like 7:30-8...he NEEDS to go to be early.
Oh and didn't you know that a kid with allergies to eggs can have "just a small piece of cake"...um NO he can NOT! Thankfully she won't actually give stuff like that to him but she makes a big deal out of it like he's being mistreated because we don't let him have stuff he is allergic that are treats (i.e. candy, cake, etc).
I think that all the other girls have great advice. Just want you to know that you aren't alone and it's not just MILs, it's moms too!