NBR: Help! 11 yr old daughter visiting father

MommyRN1 · April 2011

I just need some opinions from other ppl out there. I had my daughter when I was 19. She is now 11. For the first 8 or so years of her life her father was never a regular factor in her life. Sporadic visits, never called or sent anything. During this time he built up about $21K in back child support that he owes. I spent these 8 years busting my butt to provide for her and give us a good life. About 2 yrs ago he started calling her maybe twice a month. In the last year he has seen her maybe once a month. His child support is now set at a measly $100, and I maybe get $25/month. Not exactly enough to do anything for an 11 yr old. But, I've let the money issue go as long as he is trying to have a relationship with her. About 2 months ago I told him that I need $250 for her summer camp. Figure that he can split the cost with me (esp since he's not really paying support). Well, the date comes around, no money. Says he'll send a check, no surprise, no check. My daughter wants to go see him for Easter break (he lives out of state 4 hours away). For the last week I have tried to get a hold of him to no avail. Nada. I get frustrated bc my husband and I are trying to make plans. So finally, last night my daughter calls his mother crying. She gets ahold of him and he calls. So I ask about the $ which turns into an argument; poor him, he works so hard, blah blah. To top it off, the only times that he does see her is when she initiates it OR when its convenient for him (ie: he has a 2 yr old that he has partial custody of that lives nearby).

So, what do I do?? Do I let her go? Do I continue with our plans? Either way, I'm the bad guy. Ugh.

Sorry and TY. I needed to vent.

WorkingMomofTwo · April 2011

Have you guys discussed him signing his rights over? It seems like all he's good for is heartbreak and I think that it could be best for everyone. It's not fair for him to keep hurting your daughter the way he is. I would sit her down and explain to her why she can't go. She's at the age where she'll understand. I wouldn't let him see or talk to her if she were my daughter, but I am speaking from my own experience. I wish someone would've kept me from my father at that age. It would've saved me a lot of pain. Good luck with this situation and I hope the sperm donor knows how much of a POS he is.

MommyRN1 · April 2011

It's so helpful to hear from someone who has experienced something similar. I try to make the best decisions for her, but I don't really know what that is. I did forget to add that about 3 years ago he did sign over all of his custody to me. Basically for the unofficial agreement that I wouldn't pursue the back due child support. But, it was/is still there. In addition, he signed adoption papers to terminate his rights to her as well. At that point I wasn't married. My attorney was trying to get the courts to allow my brother to adopt her. I was told that they wouldn't terminate his rights unless there was another father figure to replace him. The judge said that while he understood the situation, bc my brother was not 'acting as a father' that he couldn't grant it. From there we just had a Will written up that if anything happened to me that my brother would get custody of her. That way, if something did happen, her father would have to take my family to court to fight it (which he would never do). At this point, bc of her age, I was told that the judge would ask my daughter what she wanted, if we tried to have my husband adopt her. I don't think she 'gets it' enough. She is hanging on that thread of hope that her father will be a dad. It reminds me of a school girl infatuation. She pursues him, he gives her a litte, and it's enough hope for her to go on.

atizon · April 2011

agree with first post. My dad was the same. My mom never spoke bad about my dad to us and eventually we figured it out on our own. I resent my dad and have tried numerous of times to have a father-daughter relationship but it just doesn't work out. I just think of all the pain he caused my mother and me while growing up never really being around financially or supportive. He would say he would come by and then don't show up. It was heartbreaking. Now the one paying for it is him. Best of Luck!

miller4285 · April 2011

If he's working so hard, why haven't his checks been garnished? In my state, child support is based on the total made by both parents put together. If the non-custodial has no other dependents, they can take 60% of his check. If he has dependents, they can take 50%. This to pay current and back child support. I get child support from my ex....I went to our state's child support enforcement. So his employer is required to take it out of his check by law. After 2,000 (or 5,000...I can't remember which) they suspend your licenses (professional and drivers). You can't renew it until your are paid up. After 2,500.....they send notice to IRS and state IRS.

Your daughter is old enough that you can explain to her that, though he may want to be, he just is not ready to be a dad....or a good dad right now. You can also explain that, because he didn't call and finalize plans by the deadline he was supposed to, that you made new plans.

He's COUNTING on you looking like the bad guy. it's the only thing that makes him look "good". But as your daughter gets older, and you explain things to her...she will realize that he was not a real dad...and that you aren't the bad one.

I would've totally had his rights taken away years ago.

MommyRN1 · April 2011

miller4285:

If he's working so hard, why haven't his checks been garnished? In my state, child support is based on the total made by both parents put together. If the non-custodial has no other dependents, they can take 60% of his check. If he has dependents, they can take 50%. This to pay current and back child support. I get child support from my ex....I went to our state's child support enforcement. So his employer is required to take it out of his check by law. After 2,000 (or 5,000...I can't remember which) they suspend your licenses (professional and drivers). You can't renew it until your are paid up. After 2,500.....they send notice to IRS and state IRS.

Your daughter is old enough that you can explain to her that, though he may want to be, he just is not ready to be a dad....or a good dad right now. You can also explain that, because he didn't call and finalize plans by the deadline he was supposed to, that you made new plans.

He's COUNTING on you looking like the bad guy. it's the only thing that makes him look "good". But as your daughter gets older, and you explain things to her...she will realize that he was not a real dad...and that you aren't the bad one.

I would've totally had his rights taken away years ago.

As far as the child support, your guess is as good as mine. Last night he claimed to have been working the same job for 3 years. However, last April at court he was unemployed. Figure that one out. He's a notorious liar. My guess is he has no driver's license, though that doesn't stop him from driving. And I'm also guessing he doesn't file his taxes. The one time he did, I did get his (meager) return. I don't know if it's bc it's an inter-state case, he might be working under the table, who knows. I called domestics last week and they said that everything is being garnished. Who knows.

MrsM1113 · April 2011

I would never let my child go visit someone who is so notoriously irresponsible, family or not. I would invite her dad to come visit your house, and stay in a hotel. (Of course he won't be able to afford it, but you're giving him the option). You mentioned that he probably doesn't have a DL, so how would he transport her? If he doesn't have $$ for child support, would he be able to provide food for her, while she is there? I would tell him, and you DD, that he has not demonstrated the ability to be responsible for another person, and you love DD too much to put her in that situation. IMHO, I think cutting her off from her dad would just make her want to pursue him more, but maybe try and encourage your DH to fill that void for her, so she doesn't feel the need to wait around on her dad.

Also- and I hope I'm not crossing a line here- I would get her into therapy, stat. So many girls go down the wrong path because they've sought their father's affection their whole life, and when they don't get that, they turn to boys (and usually older, no-good boys...). Eleven now is a lot different than when we were that age; many girls are having sex, drinking, etc. Not that your DD does, but if she feels like something is missing in her life (i.e.- her relationship with her father) she may try and fill that void with something else. A therapist or a family counselor could help her work through her issues, and would be able to give you and your DH suggestions on how to handle the situation.

miller4285 · April 2011

MommyRN1:

As far as the child support, your guess is as good as mine. Last night he claimed to have been working the same job for 3 years. However, last April at court he was unemployed. Figure that one out. He's a notorious liar. My guess is he has no driver's license, though that doesn't stop him from driving. And I'm also guessing he doesn't file his taxes. The one time he did, I did get his (meager) return. I don't know if it's bc it's an inter-state case, he might be working under the table, who knows. I called domestics last week and they said that everything is being garnished. Who knows.

Everything is being garnished. I Would've been like...ok, so then where are the payments? My exes job is lazy at times about sending the payment after taking it. But I told them "look, I know you haven't sent it" (they'd say they sent it already). It takes 1 day for it to get from his job to Child Support services. Then two days to get onto my debit card.

I bet he is A) working under the table and child support services is not staying on top of it (since they can garnish unemployment benefits)

WorkingMomofTwo · April 2011

MommyRN1:
It's so helpful to hear from someone who has experienced something similar. I try to make the best decisions for her, but I don't really know what that is. I did forget to add that about 3 years ago he did sign over all of his custody to me. Basically for the unofficial agreement that I wouldn't pursue the back due child support. But, it was/is still there. In addition, he signed adoption papers to terminate his rights to her as well. At that point I wasn't married. My attorney was trying to get the courts to allow my brother to adopt her. I was told that they wouldn't terminate his rights unless there was another father figure to replace him. The judge said that while he understood the situation, bc my brother was not 'acting as a father' that he couldn't grant it. From there we just had a Will written up that if anything happened to me that my brother would get custody of her. That way, if something did happen, her father would have to take my family to court to fight it (which he would never do). At this point, bc of her age, I was told that the judge would ask my daughter what she wanted, if we tried to have my husband adopt her. I don't think she 'gets it' enough. She is hanging on that thread of hope that her father will be a dad. It reminds me of a school girl infatuation. She pursues him, he gives her a litte, and it's enough hope for her to go on.

Well it seems like you know what you need to do. Get your husband to sign those papers! Stop this heartbreak before it gets worse! Your daughter will thank you in the long run. You'd be surprised what a simple converstion (you and her) could do with a young girl in this situation. You have to be forward, yet gentle. Again, I wish you the best of luck. I know it must be had on you as well seeing all of it happen.

WorkingMomofTwo · April 2011

MrsM1113:

I would never let my child go visit someone who is so notoriously irresponsible, family or not. I would invite her dad to come visit your house, and stay in a hotel. (Of course he won't be able to afford it, but you're giving him the option). You mentioned that he probably doesn't have a DL, so how would he transport her? If he doesn't have $$ for child support, would he be able to provide food for her, while she is there? I would tell him, and you DD, that he has not demonstrated the ability to be responsible for another person, and you love DD too much to put her in that situation. IMHO, I think cutting her off from her dad would just make her want to pursue him more, but maybe try and encourage your DH to fill that void for her, so she doesn't feel the need to wait around on her dad.

Also- and I hope I'm not crossing a line here- I would get her into therapy, stat. So many girls go down the wrong path because they've sought their father's affection their whole life, and when they don't get that, they turn to boys (and usually older, no-good boys...). Eleven now is a lot different than when we were that age; many girls are having sex, drinking, etc. Not that your DD does, but if she feels like something is missing in her life (i.e.- her relationship with her father) she may try and fill that void with something else. A therapist or a family counselor could help her work through her issues, and would be able to give you and your DH suggestions on how to handle the situation.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!! I'd hate to say it but it is sooooo true. I turned to the bad guys when I was younger and it did me no good. Don't worry about looking like the bad guy casue your not! Let him slip up and show his true colors. I think therapy is a great idea. Sometimes getting someone from outside the circle to tell you what is really going on is what they really need.

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