X barged in

haleyw458 · April 2011

The guy I've been hanging out with the last few weeks was over at my house today when I got a knock on the door. I looked through the peep hole and nobody was there so I opened it. X came around the corner and pushed the door open and came storming in.

He just kept saying, "What's up?" So, after 5 minutes of awkward silence, the new guy left. X then started acting like I was cheating on him. Some of the stuff he said was outrageous.

I really have no idea what to do. He doesn't get violent and this is the only time he has done this since we broke up almost 2 years ago. But at the same time I worry about having other guys over and him doing this again.

So, what should I do?

cautionwillburneyes · April 2011

File a police report for sure and don't open the door.

BostonGayGal · April 2011

cautionwillburneyes:
File a police report for sure and don't open the door.

She opened the door for him and he asked her "what's up." Even the man who was there felt she was safe enough to leave. Not sure what this police report is going to do.

When he has calmed down I think you need to talk to him, by letter or in a public place, about what happened. Make it separate from pick up/drop off from visits. It was likely an emotional response. Depending upon what sort of guy heis, he may feel badly about it afterwards, or maybe not. I would have that discussion and then go from there.

Starbuck5 · April 2011

BostonGayGal:
cautionwillburneyes:
File a police report for sure and don't open the door.
She opened the door for him and he asked her "what's up." Even the man who was there felt she was safe enough to leave. Not sure what this police report is going to do.
When he has calmed down I think you need to talk to him, by letter or in a public place, about what happened. Make it separate from pick up/drop off from visits. It was likely an emotional response. Depending upon what sort of guy heis, he may feel badly about it afterwards, or maybe not. I would have that discussion and then go from there.

There is a difference. She opened the door to see who was there because she couldn't see from the peep hole and he BARGED in...uninvited. She should definitely file a police report.

ETA: If he was invited in, he shouldn't have had to PUSH the door open. Sorry haley ((hugs))

ETA: Sorry, and another thing, who cares if he "feels sorry" afterwards...???

blondnearby · April 2011

I agree with BGG and not only because she is lawyer but because I feel the same way. Why would you open your door? Please don't do it in the future without clarifying who it is first.

Mrs.Keith2B · April 2011

Explain to your X that his behavior was unacceptable. And don't open your door if you can't see who is outside of it!

cautionwillburneyes · April 2011

My thought was that if he hid around the corner so she couldn't see who was at the door, pushed his way in, and then was trying to intimidate her and/or the new guy by asking "What's up" repeatedly then she might be feeling threatened by his behavior. I imagine the new guy left so he didn't get in the middle of something. I would file the report to document the behavior. I'm sure that he wasn't asking "What's up" in a friendly way or she wouldn't be worried about it.

BostonGayGal · April 2011

I am not saying it wasn't scary. I didn't mean to sound cvnty, sorry.

Since they have had a decent co-parenting relationship for two years, and he has never before gotten weird like this, I don't think escalating things with a police report is a good idea. I think talking about it is. Understandably, first significant others are hard for both parents. I am NOT saying that what he did was okay. And she needs tell him it wasn't. But in terms of how to move forward, I think that the best thing for their son is to keep the lines of communication open and boundaries clear, without hostility.

"Sorry, and another thing, who cares if he "feels sorry" afterwards...???"

I would care if I were her. If he apologizes, or they can discuss it to the point where he promises never to do anything like it again, they can go along with their co-parenting relationship without additional headaches. If he continues to be an azz, she will need to file for modification of the orders so that he never comes over, which will mean at least one court date and more driving for her.

I am not saying she should be a doormat. I am saying that there is a lot to be gained by a solid co-parenting relationship which is built by attempting to work things out as parents without police and judges.

Starbuck5 · April 2011

BostonGayGal:
I am not saying it wasn't scary. I didn't mean to sound cvnty, sorry.
Since they have had a decent co-parenting relationship for two years, and he has never before gotten weird like this, I don't think escalating things with a police report is a good idea. I think talking about it is. Understandably, first significant others are hard for both parents. I am NOT saying that what he did was okay. And she needs tell him it wasn't. But in terms of how to move forward, I think that the best thing for their son is to keep the lines of communication open and boundaries clear, without hostility.
"Sorry, and another thing, who cares if he "feels sorry" afterwards...???"
I would care if I were her. If he apologizes, or they can discuss it to the point where he promises never to do anything like it again, they can go along with their co-parenting relationship without additional headaches. If he continues to be an azz, she will need to file for modification of the orders so that he never comes over, which will mean at least one court date and more driving for her.
I am not saying she should be a doormat. I am saying that there is a lot to be gained by a solid co-parenting relationship which is built by attempting to work things out as parents without police and judges.

OK, I can understand this. I guess I'm just coming from my own experience where STBXH was ALWAYS sorry yet did it over and over again. I guess I'm saying that just because he was sorry doesn't make it OK.

DarthNBJenni · April 2011

I think it's weird that your date left.

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2011

DarthNBJenni:
I think it's weird that your date left.

Absolutely.

I don't know your situation, OP, but was the "What's up" like an "I'm high and not making sense" or "I want to fight this new guy" or "I don't know what else to say" or "Hey guys! What's up?" (I'm sure it wasn't that one, but that's how he'll spin it, no doubt.)

achase123 · April 2011

DarthNBJenni:
I think it's weird that your date left.

I don't, really. He must have felt that the situation was awkward and he didn't want to get in the middle. Kind of like "well, this is the father of your child and you guys have way more history than we do just dating a short time so I'm going to leave you two to deal with this and get our of your hair".

What became of the guy you have been seeing? Did he understand after you explained things to him?

haleyw458 · April 2011

achase123:
DarthNBJenni:
I think it's weird that your date left.

I don't, really. He must have felt that the situation was awkward and he didn't want to get in the middle. Kind of like "well, this is the father of your child and you guys have way more history than we do just dating a short time so I'm going to leave you two to deal with this and get our of your hair".

What became of the guy you have been seeing? Did he understand after you explained things to him?

That's exactly how it was.

He texted me about an hour later asking if I was okay. He then said that he hated to leave like that but it made him mad that he just stormed in the way he did then was acting how he was.

A little later he showed up with a few mutual friends and I explained to all of them what happened and what had been said. He wanted to hang out and watch a movie last night but I just didn't feel like it after what happened.

Temp552270562505132 · April 2011

DarthNBJenni:
I think it's weird that your date left.

me too. but maybe i'm coming from the perspective that i wouldn't have someone i am not dating seriously over at night like that- specifically because if some drama with my ex ever happened, he wouldn't care if it were awkward, he would stick by me no matter what to protect me. or at the very least- would be totally unphased by my ex rolling in jerry springer style.

and never answer the door like, for your own safety. what if it were someone else- home invasions happen like this sometimes.

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