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Single Parents
usually a lurker...
This week I made the decision to divorce my husband. Thing have been bad for a while, more than bad if I'm honest with myself. We tried counseling, but now he is on to the third counselor that he is willing to see. Each time we start to get to dealing with issues in our relationship or the counselor starts asking him hard questions, he decides he will no longer go. I can't work on this marriage by myself and I know I can't force him to address issues from his end, no matter how much I work on them from mine. But I feel so lost and overwhelmed right now. I second guess my decision and panick at the thought of raising our son on my own. I can't allow my son to grow up in a house with yelling and screaming, where his dad says awful things to his mom and screams in her face. I know that this is the right decision, but all I want to do is cry.
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Re: usually a lurker...
I know it's hard at first but keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing. It's in the best interest of your LO. And eventually you'll find somebody else and have a healthy relationship which is sooo much better than fighting all the time.
Stay strong and look to your friends and family for support!
Ok the crying phase is normal. It's a shock when you come to the realization "WOAH. Exit strategy time."
Second- your gut feeling is correct. If he is lying to or averting the counselors/psychologists you speak to, you cannot do anything about that. Someone will only get help if/when they WANT to. You do not deserve to live your life in misery, your LO does not deserve to grow up seeing you in a loveless marriage and then in turn think that is how "marriages work". Know what I mean?
Third- Start stashing money NOW. Open your own bank account and dump as much into there as possible so you have emergency funds. Remember- whether or not you work or not- if he is working- his money is your money too, and it is important you have enough money to provide the essentials for you and LO- chances are when he finds out you want to leave "for real"- he'll react angrily at the very least. He might even drain your joint accounts. It could get nasty (but hopefully wont) so just get mentally prepared. Divorce sometimes takes a while- it might take a while to get a child support order in place - so make sure you consider that. Being financially secure is the most important thing. And do not DO NOT leave your home. If he is being violent, call 911, file a restraining order with a vacate clause and have HIM removed from your home. It is important to maintain as much continuity for your LO as possible.
Fourth- consult with the top divorce attorneys in your city. I'd say the top three would be fine. Conflict of interest laws prevent those you consult with from working with your husband. You want a GOOD attorney especially since you will have a child custody interest. Even if you go joint 50/50 with him- you still want a good attorney. The best 5 grand I ever spent was on my atty. Collaborative law is a good approach and takes these sensitive family issues into good hands. You might even be able to settle out of court, which is always good. The more amicable the better. But just in case- document anything/everything.
Fifth- You'll be ok. Single moming it is hard sometimes, really hard, but when you look at your LO's face and see their delight in something simple, that will be what gets you through. And take up a hobby. I started running 5k's. And I went back to coaching figure skating. And build your support system- family, friends, neighbors. Let people in on what is going on. Do not be afraid that you will get judged. You'll get judged anyway, everyone does, but now is the time when your true friends will shine! Ok... breathe.
And remember as much as you want to bash your head into a wall sometimes with frustration - and even in the most amicable divorces it still gets stressful sometimes and there are still anger feelings sometimes- just always remember- this is NOT who you are, it does NOT define you, and you are now on your way to being totally happy. And your LO needs a happy mama.
Hope you enjoyed reading that novel
Good luck.
Open a new bank account at a different bank. You don't want the bank to automatically put your STBXH's name on the new account.
yes yes i forgot about this. and i learned this the hard way.
Thanks for the support and the information...I don't mind reading novels
I started putting away money in a separate account a few months ago because I suspected things might be moving in this direction. I made sure to specify that my husband not be able to gain access to the account when I opened it. So far, it has not been an issue from that standpoint. I hired a lawyer that I got on recommendation from a family member that works for a law firm. As far as moving out or staying in the house, we rent and I cannot afford to stay in the house with my son on what I make on my salary. We are going to go stay with my parents who live close by. My son spends a great deal of time with them while I work so we are comfortable there.
Right now I'm not sure if my sadness is more from mourning the loss of the traditional family I thought I would have, feeling guilt over what I feel I may be taking away from LO, or mourning the loss of my STBXH and my relationship...ugh, a mish mash of emotion.