Late Loss Ladies WDYT (Loss mentioned)

abbs20 · April 2011

We lost our son, Grant, 2-9-11. I was over 28 weeks when I delivered and we had a very small grave-side ceremony when we buried him (us and our parents and pastor only). We were given such great support from friends and family. We also received cards, flowers, meals and some gifts. I know that in most circumstances "Thank you" cards are given for gestures such as these, but I have not done a single one. To be honest, I have not been in the right place for me to try to write them until recently. Now, being over 2 months later, should I still write "Thank yous"? Do you think that everyone has assumed the "Thank you" and are not expecting one? I am so confused whether or not to write them (and would perefer not to). What do you think? What did you do?

LDW80 · April 2011

I say it is never to late to write a thank you under those circumstances. People will understand why you didn't get to them right away but I would send them if I were you. They were there to support you during your hardest time so a little thank you would be nice even though they may not expect them. Just take your time. Maybe do a couple a day and then wait a couple days if it is too hard for you. GL and hugs to you!!!!

Carolee · April 2011

I did short ones for the people that brought meals - seriously short - like "thank you for bringing us a meal". I did not write ones to people who sent flowers, and we didn't receive any gifts. Honestly, if you don't feel like writing thank you notes, don't. I would assume that the people who did those things for you didn't do them because they expected you to write a thank you note.

kate626 · April 2011

Hi sweetie, We lost Emily the day before you lost Grant. We also got lots of flowers meals and sympathy cards... I had a very hard time writing thank yous. Once I Got started it was therapeutic for me.

If you can not write too much just a thank you for your support in such a hard time would be good enough. Take your time and I am sure if you are unable to write them people will not be offended

abbs20 · April 2011

Thanks guys. What you said helps a lot.

EmeraldEyedLady · April 2011

I had a loss at 26 weeks and also had a huge show of support from the community and the church (my FIL is a pastor). Our loss was early September and my Thank Yous went out shortly after Christmas. I did it then because I wrote them at the same time as I was writing Christmas cards and was in a place where I felt like I was able enough to write them, but didn't want them to go out at the same time as the Christmas cards.

The only ones we did right away were to the funeral home director, florist and the man who transported our daughters from the hospital to the funeral home because they all refused to charge us anything so I felt that those cards needed to go out immediately to show that we appreciated what they had done for us and how they had helped us.

abbs20 · April 2011

EmeraldEyedLady:
I had a loss at 26 weeks and also had a huge show of support from the community and the church (my FIL is a pastor). Our loss was early September and my Thank Yous went out shortly after Christmas. I did it then because I wrote them at the same time as I was writing Christmas cards and was in a place where I felt like I was able enough to write them, but didn't want them to go out at the same time as the Christmas cards.
The only ones we did right away were to the funeral home director, florist and the man who transported our daughters from the hospital to the funeral home because they all refused to charge us anything so I felt that those cards needed to go out immediately to show that we appreciated what they had done for us and how they had helped us.

I did not even think about those people. Wow. I have a lot of writing to do.

kate626 · April 2011

abbs20:
EmeraldEyedLady:
I had a loss at 26 weeks and also had a huge show of support from the community and the church (my FIL is a pastor). Our loss was early September and my Thank Yous went out shortly after Christmas. I did it then because I wrote them at the same time as I was writing Christmas cards and was in a place where I felt like I was able enough to write them, but didn't want them to go out at the same time as the Christmas cards.
The only ones we did right away were to the funeral home director, florist and the man who transported our daughters from the hospital to the funeral home because they all refused to charge us anything so I felt that those cards needed to go out immediately to show that we appreciated what they had done for us and how they had helped us.
I did not even think about those people. Wow. I have a lot of writing to do.

I did not think about them too... I should send them some. I think I am going to write some out for my nurses and doctor too. I will send the nurses and doctors one of Emily's "birth" announcements also.

jertie · April 2011

I sent thank you cards to everyone. It was tough, but it was also cathartic. I think it also helped other people know that it was okay to reach out again. Does that make any sense? (It sounds odd when I say it out loud.) B/C for about 2 weeks we were completely off the grid, we got cards and flowers - but no other contact from anyone (immediate family included) - at our request. The cards were my way of reaching out again and easier than picking up the phone. Plus, I really am not very good at expressing my emotions well in person - so, I was able to write a heartfelt thank you and reconnect. ((BIG HUGS)), I know it's not easy.

KristysRedBarn · April 2011

I didn't write individual thank you notes. I wrote a mass email to my coworkers and had the church secretary put a thank you in the bulletin, that covered most people. I figured the rest of them would understand.

johnnys june · April 2011

I wrote thank you's nearly 3+ months later. But mine were short and sweet. IMO, i think in cases like these, people don't do or say things bc they expect gratitude. I think they do it as an offering of comfort for both you and themselves. I would only write a thank you if you truly do feel or want to feel thankful. If that makes sense. I agree, it was theraputic in a way...it also gave me excuse to express, even in a small weird way, that my baby boy had been and will always be very real! Kwim?!

ekmOC · April 2011

I do not think it is necessary, and I don't think anyone in your circle of support will be expecting it of you.

In many cases, when I felt up to it, I wrote and email or made a phone call to express my appreciation, but I do not think there is any need to write formal thank you notes.

jkfranklin · April 2011

FWIW, if I were to send flowers or a meal I would not expect a written thank you note. That being said, if you think that it would be helpful for you, it's never too late for a thank you.

calibride2005 · April 2011

Well, Im kind of different....I didnt send out cards or anything. What I did was have a bbq for the memorial service and had all my friends and family over. It was comforting to have everyone there. My aunt experienced the same thing many years ago, but she still knew how it felt to this day so she could empathize with me.

taurus424 · April 2011

i did write out thank you cards to the people who sent me flowers, cards, food, and made thoughtful phone calls. it is never too late. trust me that these people arent expecting a thank you card at all...but i felt a little closure with doing it. and of course i wanted them to know that i appreciated their kindness.

abbs20 · April 2011

Thank you for all of your comments. My sister is moving in the next couple of weeks and when she gets settled I will sit down and start some thank yous. I did like the mention of a BBQ as a memorial service. We did not do much as far as a service and I think that people would love to come see how we are doing.

CashewsMommy · April 2011

I would still write them if you feel up to it. I'm sure people will understand why they are late... or why they didn't get them at all.

((hugs))

sgrobste · April 2011

I do not think it is ever to late to send a thank you note, but I also do not think that anyone would think ill of you if you do not send them either..I think that people did those things for you in order to show their support for you. So I think what ever decision you make, your friends and family would be fine with.

Mjmksb04 · April 2011

I think you are okay whether you do them or not. I wrote about 100 TY notes after my daughter's funeral and I have no clue how I did it, but received numerous responses from people telling us that they did not expect a TY note and didn't think that I should have burdened myself with it. At the point when I did them, I just needed some way to occupy myself (still being on maternity leave of all things) and it felt like I was accomplishing something, so that is why I took it on.

erinkate23 · April 2011

Ditto to PP - if you want to do thank you notes, you can, but DO NOT feel obligated. Nobody will think badly of you if you don't. If it will be healing for you in some way, go for it. If it's going to cause you pain, skip it completely. There is no right or wrong thing to do in this situation. Even Emily Post would agree.

petitbelle · April 2011

We lost our twins at 28wks1day also. I sent out a few thank you notes to some really important people, including our perinatologist who send us 2 big arrangements of flowers. I was a complete wreck though. I barely got through writing the few I sent out. I just couldn't do anymore. I don't think it's too late to send out thank you notes though. I think most people probably understand..

AngnShaun · April 2011

Carolee:

I did short ones for the people that brought meals - seriously short - like "thank you for bringing us a meal". I did not write ones to people who sent flowers, and we didn't receive any gifts. Honestly, if you don't feel like writing thank you notes, don't. I would assume that the people who did those things for you didn't do them because they expected you to write a thank you note.

Ditto... if you feel up to it and want to do it then do it... if not then don't...

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