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Smuches4u
member
S/O - Nailpolish,Sexuality and Family Friends
Smuches4u
member
The nailpolish poll reminded me of a breif conversation that was started but never finished with what we consider to be a very close family friend. I've always known that they are extremely conservative and I'm thought of to be a wild-woman. We've managed to grow beyond our personal, religious and political differences and we genuinely care about each others families.
We were all out at dinner a few weeks ago when DC wanted to color something pink. This friend tried to discourage DC from choosing that color because it was for girls. I nipped that in the bud very quietly and peacefully, but DH looked scared and whisked DC away to avoid the potentially heavy conversation.
I asked that our friend not discourage DC's creativity. He's 4, and I don't want to diminish him in any way, from his choice in colors for a diner menu to his style of hair or dress. To which the friend almost whispered, "but it could mean, you know." I knew exactly what he was getting at and proclaimed (not too quietly), that it didn't matter to me who DC chose to love. We were ultimately trying to raise an upstanding, independant, responsible adult and if it turns out he's gay it wouldn't diminish my love for him, just as it wouldn't for him. He smiled, raised his eyebrows and then suggested we not get into it. Which I respected.
I don't plan on limiting DC's interactions. They love eachother. He's a positive role model in many other aspects of his life and I respect him deeply for his convictions even though I don't agree. I don't have any intention of trying to change this persons beliefs or to convince him that DC will still be DC no matter his sexuality. But it did make me think quite a bit and have a talk with DH about the subject.
So, I'm curious. What would you do? What do you think?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: S/O - Nailpolish,Sexuality and Family Friends
I think you handled the situation very well and I hope I would handle it in the same way.
I know others disagree but I won't stand for homophobia in my home and/or around my son. My mother sometimes makes odd comments about DS's love of pink shoes but I remind her that all kids pretend, and that pink is a great color. She is coming around to accept that we don't force gender roles on DS. She even bought him pink sandals for this summer! That said she isn't homophobic, and she would love DS no matter what gender he falls in love with, or if he is transgender.
I imagine just the same thing!
Until then, I bite my lip, parent my child and try to keep our eyes, minds and hearts open.
the secret blog
That's the thing, it has been easy for us to decide that we won't limit DC's exposure. There are all kinds of people in this world & we've got to learn to be tolerant, accepting and considerate of them ALL. WE are DC's parents, not this friend. The subject had never come up before and DC hasn't had solo time with this person, so it's not a high level of concern for us.
Now that our friend sees where I stand on the subject, I'm confident that we won't have a repeat.
the secret blog
I think it's wonderful what you told him. I fear that I will be having similar conversations with the IL's, I hope that I am as eloquent as you were about it.
I think the fact that he's someone you can say something to about it and you believe he'll be respectful of it in the future is the key thing here.
The whole gender/color identifying thing would bother me completely, but nothing would bother me more than an implication that being gay is wrong. That I have no tolerance for, and I think anyone who knows me well would know that a comment like that would set me off. I'm not sure I could be as eloquent as you were. And without feeling totally respected and understood in my beliefs after vocalizing them, I'm not sure the friendship could be a very deep, meaningful, or lasting one beyond that.
We also have a lots of gay friends with kids and just gay friends in general. We also have quite a few gay parents at our school (where I work & Alex's preschool, all on one campus), I think they feel that the private school setting is a little bit "safer" for kids who are parented by same-sex couples. That's a shame, but it's a reality, even in California.
I think you did exactly what I would have done there, Smuches. We too have a very conservative couple with a child that are close family friends of ours. The husband totally thinks of me as a wild child and thinks that my husband should "get a handle on me". Ha ha, as if. He really has no idea, as we aren't close to him but have been very close to the wife for years and years. Anyway. I can relate to the awkwardness of how that can be.
Just like Julie with the nail polish post below- that's cool, I respect her views and in some ways I get that and think it's appropriate for some settings. I only call Julie out by name because I know her and I have a strong personal relationship with her beyond the board- we are for sure cut of different cloths but I would trust her in a second with my children and I'd hope she'd trust me in a second with hers as well. It's all about building that mutual respect. And I'd never ever put her kid in leopard pants.
Just like I wouldn't babysit Mel's kids and pop in an Elmo dvd, even though I may do that for my own. You just have to know your friends and respect their boundaries, you know?
When we were searching for a church it was SUPER important to me that we find a gay-inclusive congregation, and we did. We are Lutheran and we worship in a very traditional church that has gay employees and welcomes all, no matter what your lifestyle. To me, all that is up to God, and we just have to do the best we can do for the short time we are here. My MIL will straight up sit next to you and tell you that homosexual people (and for that matter, all Buddhists, Jews, agnostics, people who go to the library on Tuesdays, whatever- anyone who is different from her in ANY WAY) are destined to burn in hell. This is a huge reason she is never, ever allowed to be alone with my children.
It's tricky, this parenting business. Especially when your views don't match up with those around you all the time.
That was a novel. But the one thing I love about you, J, is that you'll read it, and think about it. You are a gem, my dear!!
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Harmony Doula
It's funny that people still think sexual preference is something that can be "encouraged" or "discouraged". I'm definitely impressed that you were able to make your feelings known so calmly and clearly.