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Blended Families
Do you step back or assert yourselves?
I used to think and believe that all things regarding step kids needed to be handled between BF and BM. Since becoming a step parent, rather than the girlfriend I feel the need to assert myself and I don?t mean to the kids either, we have our issues, but they understand in the end that I am DH?s wife and their step mom. I feel the need to assert myself more as DH?s wife and a part of the decision making process at times.
I feel like BM would rather not acknowledge that I?m a part of the kids or DH?s life, that nothing that concerns the kids or DH should concern me. That I am not even there.
I agree that there are some decisions in how they handle situations (how they want to parent) need to be discussed between them; then me as the step parent, need to support the decisions made if the need ever arises.
My role in our family is that of the bill payer and the scheduler. However, my that means I write the checks that go to BM for miscellaneous things, at 1st she had a cow when my signature was on the check. Last week I sent a note saying I was sorry there was a delay in getting it to her along with the check I sent. She didn?t like that. I was trying to be nice. (Now I have the urge to write her a note each time and just say ?I hope your week is going well!?)
Lately she has been on an ?I respectfully ask that any issues regarding kids be handled between you and I. I have already spoken with you about this but I would really like to stress that these issues be handled between you and I.? This is almost every email along with ?Should you wish to discuss anything regarding the boys please feel to contact me and I will make myself available.? Or ?I will call you later so that you and I can discuss this directly. We can continue to discuss matters directly.? Directly means verbally, which means she can deny how the conversation actually went, we want things in writing ? so we continue to send emails. They are scheduling issues regarding upcoming events. Plus she thinks I?m writing the emails to her and signing DH?s name (which I would never do).
I think that she needs to acknowledge that I am a part of DH's and the kid?s life. If it concerns/affects DH or the kids, it concerns/affects me. Since I am the scheduler/payer of bills in our family, I don't think it's too much to ask to be involved in scheduling issues. Even if it means that DH says I will get back to you I need to talk to my wife first or I will have my wife email you the information. I have more time to email than he does and I check email regularly. I honestly think that if she remarried, she wouldn't have a problem with her husband being involved; in fact she?d probably push him on it. I'm just tired of the constant "if it involves the kids it only needs to be discussed between the 2 of us." I would just like to be able to ask her about an event that I heard about and want to verify which weekend it is, without being told I am not to be involved in anything to do with her kids.
So I ask where are you ladies when it comes to dealing with the BM? Do you step back and let DH handle it all or do you assert yourselves?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Do you step back or assert yourselves?
BM and I deal with each other directly, so I don't have the same issues you have (she and I are actually pretty friendly).
My suggestions:
1) If the BM insists on doing things verbally, then fine, your DH should talk with her verbally. However I would still then follow it up with an e-mail that says "Per our conversation today, the plan will be XYZ" and that way it is still documented and she can't deny it.
2) If the BM insists on only dealing with your DH, then fine, she can e-mail him and he can discuss it with you (or forward it to you) and then e-mail her back once you've discuss. Or if it's verbal, he can tell her "I'll have to check on that and get back with you". Simple as that.
3) As much as I agree with you about the fact that you are a part of the family now and should be involved in decision making, I feel like this is a "pick your battles" thing. I say leave it alone because it's not worth fighting about. Your DH can include you on decisions/etc.. BM doesn't have to.
I let DH handle 98 percent of the stuff with BM. It's so important to me that those two get along for DSS's sake that I am extra careful to stay in a neutral position ... even if that position is "virtually invisible."
Because I have that attitude, it's hard for me to understand why it's so important for you that this woman acknowledge and accept your role in the family. But you asked for how we do it ...
DH and I decided a long time ago that if he had to check with me before making any plans with his kid, it would look bad. So we talk about schedules in advance, then when he and BM are talking, they can make decisions. Some missteps have derailed vacation plans, sure, but in the scheme of things it's been OK.
I've gone from staying in the car when DH dropped a 3-year-old DSS off at BM's house, to getting out and waving hello when he was 4, to accepting phone calls around 5 (always making sure to ask her advice about something), to initiating texts at 8, to having (rare) phone conversations now at 9.
That's how we do it ... but again, the majority of all correspondence is between DH and BM. I rarely come up, I'm sure.
I am all for assertive, proactive stepparents. If you want to take the initiative and email the pack leaders/den leaders for a scout calendar, do it. If you want to contact the soccer/baseball/hockey coach to get the practice and game times, do it. Whatever avenues you want to grease to get the communication flowing your way, for the best interest of your stepkids, go for it.
If you want to "assert" yourself by writing notes to BM just to needle her and say "I am SM, hear me roar" I say: grow up.
I think this is something you and DH should work out, not you and BM. He can (and in my opinion should) say, I will get back to you about scheduling. I don't think makes him look bad. It makes him look considerate.
And who cares if she wants to talk things out, DH should insist on writing. A record is a great things to have and an after the fact email can be fought over.
I assume you were kidding about the notes with the checks.
1st - Yes I was kidding about the notes with the checks.
2nd - I do think that DH just telling her he'll get back with her about scheduling and then following up in writing after the schedule has be made is the best solution. Of course she would ask why he needs to get back with her because he shouldn't need to discuss anything concerning the boys with anyone else but her - I truly feel this is how she thinks.
DH has tried emailing after a phone conversation and contiunually gets the response is that - there is no need to reiterate what we discussed or he gets - if you need to discuss this further contact me directly.
3rd - I think it is me being pregnant and hormonal and I know better than to let her get to me (which makes me mad at myself because I let it). I know this is my problem and I just need to let it go. I really shouldn't care if she acknowledges me or not and I know that I'm a part of DH and the kids family regardless of what she says, thinks, or does.
Who cares what BM thinks. She doesn't get to decide who writes the check, you and DH decide that.
DH and you get to decide on whether or not he checks with you then gets back to her. She can not like it all she wants. She doesn't need to know the reason.
DH should continue to email her after phone conversations. He can nice it up and say that he needs a written record of whats decided because his memory isn't good enough to keep it all up in his head if he wants. I would just say "Per our conversation, this is what we decided. Failing a response I will assume your agreement."
When I was a new SM, I used to worry about what BM thought or did. I am much happier not caring.
Over the years it has got much better, where now I can pick up and drop off SD on my own and have small conversations with BM. It took a while, but it's paid off for all of us. I pray it stays this way!!
I am a bm. I must say I like my son's sm. She is a very nice person. We actually went to high school together and were friendly. BUT somethings do need to be handled between bd and I. If we are dealing with discipline issues or things related to that.I could give a sh** less who signs the checks as long as they are here on time. She will text me occasionally and ask if ds and come a different time for an event, but our relationship as co-parents has evolved over time. she has been in my son's life for 12 years. In the beginning she just kind of stayed back. ( I believe due to her own comfort level).
Maybe if you step back a little, she will get more comfortable. I see all the horrible stories about BM's on here. ( I do realize there are some crazy one's too.) But it's not easy to be on the other side. It was hard when my son was little seeing him bond with another mother figure. It took some maturing for me to see that ds's relationship with sm was going to be a positive thing for him,and to get over myself.
And he can tell her "I just need to get back to you. Talk to you in a bit" and hang up. Will it irk her? Sure. Will she get over it eventually? Sure, if you guys don't make a big deal out of it.
Also, if she thinks that way about him ONLY needing to discuss things about the boys with her, then FINE, let her think that. He can discuss it with her. But he can also say "I have to call you back." He's a grown man and has the right to do that.
It does not matter how she responds to the e-mail. The only thing that matters is DH having a paper trail. And if she says "There's no need to reiterate what we've already agreed on" then all the better, then it's in WRITING that she agreed to something. If she says "if you need to discuss this further contact me directly he can simply NOT e-mail a response. Because he doesn't need to discuss anything further. It is simply to have a paper trail.
This exactly.
I generally let DH handle things with BM but the problem has come in with lack of communication. She has called me about taking SS when I knew nothing about it. DH says he told her to call me she says he was supposed to tell me - annoying!
DH would be happy if I deal with BM direct on most things however I feel that it is their responsibility to coparent but greatly appreciate being asked for input/approval on schedule changes. My DH can be quite forgetful and he is quick to blame BM so there are conflicts that arise between DH and I but I still refuse to be the primary go between. We live 5 minutes from BH and her DH and have a great relationship sharing custody 50/50 and switching things up whenever necessary. Maybe eventually I will take more of a primary role (for my sanity being the scheduler/shopper/orgainizer/bill payer of the family) but we've only been married less than 2 years and I am still adjusting to life as a wife, new mom and stepmom. They seem to have a pretty good system down and I don't want to mess with it if I don't have to.
Good luck to you. You need to feel comfortable with your situation but I agree with PP to pick your battles and let things fall into place.
Step Parenting is, in many cases, worse than Bio Parenting. We have all of the responsiblities: legally, financially and in many cases morally, but with no rights.
Being acknowledged by a Bio Parent is not about being recognized for the emotional connection we provide, but as ONE ADULT TO ANOTHER. If this were a business contact, you (bio-parents) would be more than agreeable in ensuring that ALL parties are comfortable with the decisions made...so why is ensuring that the both households are happy less important.
One would think that, as a parent, you would WANT your kids to have two happy, well run homes? Not to mention it is common courtesy.
And if the BM/BF cannot come to the basics of ettiquette on his/her own, then I should not have to take one for the team. I will demand the basic respect that I would get from any other adult.
Now, my BM pulled that on us a couple times, in terms of the exchange. DH was always meeting closer, by HOURS, to her. After the first time, I told DH that I was not going to go with him anymore. OUR TIME was just as important as HER time. And if she could not respect that, then I did not have to tolerate the car ride.
Funny, but the next time we had an exchange, DH forced the issue and made it equal. And after THAT, BM never tried to pull it again.
I will respect BM, because she is another human being. But like the Three-Fold Law, Golden Rule, Karma, etc, I will only give back what is given to me.
I am a SM and teh bill payer in our house. All EXCEPT the child support checks. Those are my DH responsibility and he takes care of those. I may have to prod him to do it, but he is the one responsible and should be the one taking care of it
Also, all major decisions are discussed between DH and BM. I am DH's support, but I dont get involved in things that I have absolutly no legal right to.
SS knows that I am an adult he should respect - just as he would respect the parent of a friend when he is at their house. We have house rules that DH and I agree on and DH makes sure ss follows them. We are a united front at our house.
THIS
THIS
I must say that it sucks that we as SM "should" leave everything that has to do with SKs up to BM and BF. I don't think it's fair because those decisions effect us and our Bio kids as well. I admit that I do leave a lot of it to them but it's mostly to avoid drama with BM and arguements with DH, but I don't agree with it. I think we should have a say in it as well since we are also responible for SKs financially, legally, morally, emotionally, ect. Our time, plans, money, ect are just as important as everyone else's.
BM would much rather deal with me than MH. They fight more than anything. But I walk a fine line trying not to be a door mat and still remain respectful of the fact that she is the mom.
As long as your DH makes an effort to communicate with you I think you can say you're asserting yourself. But as for making BM stand up and recognize you... unfortunately you can't.
I know how hard it is to feel like you have all the responsibility of a parent, but you're invisible. It is a heartbreaking scenario a lot of days. But just remember you are NOT invisible to the people who matter in this equation: your husband and your step-kids. As long as they respect you, let BM get over herself.
I haven't read the replies to this thread yet, but I wanted to give my story and I am limited on time
It goes both ways for me, because I am a BM and a SM.
Here is the BM part: I deal directly with my ex regarding my daughter. I am 100% sure he runs any changes by his girlfriend, because he isn't always real prompt at getting back to me. I have no problem with this, but for me, I would NOT want to deal with his girlfriend on things regarding our child.
Here is the SM part: My H deals with his ex's about 90% of the time, the other 10% the BM's come to me. They come to me becuse my H works a lot and has a very fluctuating schedule and doesn't always respond right away. I rarely go direct to them. Although last week I did email his ex wife (bm to 13 year old SS) to tell her that we got SS concert tickets for July, and it falls on her weekend, so I just wanted to let her know in advance. My H would wait until the last minute to tell her, so it was more of a courtesty to her, than anything. BM to my SD emailed me today asking if my H has to work on Easter and what our plans were. I am 100% fine with all of this. I really try to let H work things out on his own. Manily because I am so busy, and sometimes can barely keep up with my own kid and work schedule.
I probably would not write little notes with a check you are sending. It's kind of weird being that you do not have a good relationship with bm.
This has been interesting thread for me. Nice to get perspective from sm's. I try to put my self in ds's sm's shoes, but it's not always easy to do.
Op I didn't think you at all were saying all bm's are crazy or stupid. You obviously are in a very trying situation.