i've been ..

nikileebaugh · April 2011

a horrible bumpie. i'm sorry guys, it's been a bad/hectic weekend.

i'm starting to fear that this miscarriage is not drawing me and my DH closer, but further apart. he is having trouble dealing with me being upset all the time (as i'm usually the happy, bubbly person) and it's making him unhappy. i'm trying my best to get over this and get back to being myself, but it's hard. i thought i was doing better, but apparently i'm not, according to him anyways.

there was alot of fighting and turmoil in our house over the weeknd, and i spent most of my time in our bed with my dog, with the covers over my head and a box of tissues.

i just don't know what to do. i've tried to explain to him about me not feeling like he is there for me during this miscarriage, and he tries to explain the he feels he is but i'm just not caring. i feel like i'm on a horrible amusement park ride, and all i want is off and back to normal.

thanks for listening. and sorry again for being MIA over the weekend. i promise to make it up to you all this week. hope y'all are having a good monday!

jen629 · April 2011

I am sorry {{HUGS}} this is so hard..

cmumama · April 2011

I'm so sorry! Have you thought about talking to a professional? DH and I went together and I've been going on my own. It has been wonderful for both of us and has helped us overcome our grief along with other issues we were having.

((big hugs!!))

lauralew · April 2011

I, too, am the happy, bubbly person. This whole process sucks, but something that is so difficult for me, and probably Justin, is that I don't feel the same any more. I had a very hard time being the bubbly me. But I faked it, and though it felt awful, I fooled those around me. Then Justin was so confused about why I was still sad because I acted fine most of the time. I finally explained to him that I was hanging on by a thread, and I was putting on an act. I also told my mom and sister I needed their support. It was refreshing to feel like I didn't always have to hide how I was feeling. It actually made me feel less sad while I was around them because I knew they knew how I felt. If that makes sense...

Still, there are times I feel miles apart from Justin. There are times I want to do just what you did this weekend. During those times I journal. And a lot of times it calms me down enough that I can go talk to Justin and explain how I feel in a neutral, less emotionally charged way.

I hope things get better. They usually do. I just encourage you to not ignore how you're feeling, to not just let this blow over, but to try to talk with him about it. Hopefully, at some point, you'll both understand each other's perspective on the situation. Take care of yourself!!

mizdiz444 · April 2011

(((Hugs)))

karma79 · April 2011

I am so sorry you are going thru this. It is impossibly hard, there will always be good days and bad days, eventually the good will outweigh the bad. Big hug!

nikileebaugh · April 2011

thanks everyone!! the hugs are definately appreciated, it feels good to know that you guys are here for me, even though i wasn't very supportive this weekend. you guys are great! all of you, and i don't know what i'd do without you all.

cmumama - no i haven't thought of that actually. the doctor asked if i needed help with my "boo hoo's" and i declined, because i thought i could get over it on my own. my husband is not a very big believer in depression and things, he thinks it's all mindset (little does he know). even if he won't go, i might need to look into that myself.

lauralew - it's nice to know that i'm not alone. it makes me feel kinda bad cause everyone is always saying "my DH is great, he is so supportive" and then i think .. i wish mine was. i just feel like we are on two ends of the earth, and not meeting in the middle. i totally agree with you on the not feeling the same anymore. losing those babies took a piece of me that i feel like i will never get back. this has changed my outlook on a lot of things, and changed the way i feel about somethings, and he just doesn't get that. he just keeps saying "i want my wife back". yeah, well i want to be back to, but i also would give my life to have my babies back. i'm beginning to wonder if he thinks i like feeling this way. i hate it, i'd do anything to change it, but i'm not quite sure what that anything is yet.

and karma - i'm going to hold onto that. i can't wait for the day that the good will outweigh the bad, and this burden and hurt won't feel like it's consuming my life, my marriage, and my happiness.

and everyone else, i can't thank you enough for those hugs. i never thought i could feel so close to people that i've never met. the support system here is unbelievable!

fightingravity · April 2011

nikileebaugh:
losing those babies took a piece of me that i feel like i will never get back. this has changed my outlook on a lot of things, and changed the way i feel about somethings, and he just doesn't get that. he just keeps saying "i want my wife back". yeah, well i want to be back to, but i also would give my life to have my babies back. i'm beginning to wonder if he thinks i like feeling this way. i hate it, i'd do anything to change it, but i'm not quite sure what that anything is yet.

Have you told him exactly this? Sometimes partners can hear things more easily when you talk about where you are and how you're feeling and focus on that instead of how much he is disappointing you. I know MH felt paralyzed after my m/c by how sad I was--he was sad too, but wanted to move on and think about the future, since we couldn't change the past, and it was really hard for him that it took me so much longer to bounce back.

I think also sometimes they just want to "fix" things, and when they can't be fixed, they feel emasculated and impotent, and then they get defensive and shut down. Which makes you feel even more alone, which makes you even more sad. Bad cycle.

You might consider talking to a neutral 3rd party (therapist, your OB, spiritual/religious leader) either with YH or on your own. It can be really helpful when you are feeling so sad that it's negatively impacting your relationship.

Hang in there. It gets easier.

nikileebaugh · April 2011

fightingravity:

nikileebaugh:
losing those babies took a piece of me that i feel like i will never get back. this has changed my outlook on a lot of things, and changed the way i feel about somethings, and he just doesn't get that. he just keeps saying "i want my wife back". yeah, well i want to be back to, but i also would give my life to have my babies back. i'm beginning to wonder if he thinks i like feeling this way. i hate it, i'd do anything to change it, but i'm not quite sure what that anything is yet.

Have you told him exactly this? Sometimes partners can hear things more easily when you talk about where you are and how you're feeling and focus on that instead of how much he is disappointing you. I know MH felt paralyzed after my m/c by how sad I was--he was sad too, but wanted to move on and think about the future, since we couldn't change the past, and it was really hard for him that it took me so much longer to bounce back.

I think also sometimes they just want to "fix" things, and when they can't be fixed, they feel emasculated and impotent, and then they get defensive and shut down. Which makes you feel even more alone, which makes you even more sad. Bad cycle.

You might consider talking to a neutral 3rd party (therapist, your OB, spiritual/religious leader) either with YH or on your own. It can be really helpful when you are feeling so sad that it's negatively impacting your relationship.

Hang in there. It gets easier.

i have told him. i told him yesterday during our "weekend of blowouts". he just thinks that it's another obstacle in my life, and i'm a strong woman, i will get over it. he said if i can get over the other things in my life i've been through, then i can get through this. i think the reason that he thinks that i'm not getting through this is because he's all i have here. my family/friends are 3,000 mile away in PA, and he's all i have. the friends that i usually vent to here, are the ones that are pregnant and i am venting about. so he pretty much is my only vent spot, besides here. he says that i take it all out on him, and i dont feel like i am. maybe i am though, maybe it's time to take a step back and realize it's not just him...

and i think you're right. he bounced back alot faster, and i think it bothers him that i'm not past it already. he wants to focus on trying again and being positive, and i can't get past losing the twins. i don't think i will be able to focus on the future, until this HCG is out of my system, and i can actually say "we're trying". right now, it's just waiting .. almost 6 weeks post D&C, and i'm still not getting a negative pregnancy test. peeing on those sticks is like another stab at my heart everytime they come up positive and i know it's not real.

and you're right about the shutting down, because he said that he feels like no matter what he does/says, he can't fix the way i feel. he doesn't know how. and in his defense, i understand. but i have also told him how he could help, by just being there for me, and loving me, and not telling me that my feelings are wrong.. that's all that i need for him is to be there and he isn' t doing that. right now, this is the only place i fee like i can put my feelings out there, and not be judged as "wrong" because you guys are the only ones who understand. for that, i am VERY thankful.

i think a third party might be helpful. thanks for listening, and i sure hope it does get easier. like i said, it's like i'm stuck on a never ending carousel ride, and i can't get off even though i'm about to be sick. it's a very alone feeling.

busterbeagle · April 2011

I'm so sorry that you and DH are having a rough time right now. I have been exactly in your position and felt like not only was my DH not grieving with me, he wasn't even there for me while I grieved. He said he just wanted his wife back, and I honestly didn't do how to give him that at that point.

I felt so hopeless and like our marriage was going to crap after only 6 months. But the good thing about bad days is that eventually they happen less and less. Every once and awhile, there will be a week where I think, "wow, I have really relapsed, and I don't know how I'm ever going to feel okay again" but somehow I do. I hope it will work out that way for you and that your relationship with your DH will become stronger in the long run even if it feels like the opposite right now.

And even when it feels like no one is there for you, you always have us! Big hugs.

fightingravity · April 2011

nikileebaugh:
i have told him. i told him yesterday during our "weekend of blowouts". he just thinks that it's another obstacle in my life, and i'm a strong woman, i will get over it. he said if i can get over the other things in my life i've been through, then i can get through this. i think the reason that he thinks that i'm not getting through this is because he's all i have here. my family/friends are 3,000 mile away in PA, and he's all i have. the friends that i usually vent to here, are the ones that are pregnant and i am venting about. so he pretty much is my only vent spot, besides here. he says that i take it all out on him, and i dont feel like i am. maybe i am though, maybe it's time to take a step back and realize it's not just him...

and i think you're right. he bounced back alot faster, and i think it bothers him that i'm not past it already. he wants to focus on trying again and being positive, and i can't get past losing the twins. i don't think i will be able to focus on the future, until this HCG is out of my system, and i can actually say "we're trying". right now, it's just waiting .. almost 6 weeks post D&C, and i'm still not getting a negative pregnancy test. peeing on those sticks is like another stab at my heart everytime they come up positive and i know it's not real.

and you're right about the shutting down, because he said that he feels like no matter what he does/says, he can't fix the way i feel. he doesn't know how. and in his defense, i understand. but i have also told him how he could help, by just being there for me, and loving me, and not telling me that my feelings are wrong.. that's all that i need for him is to be there and he isn' t doing that. right now, this is the only place i fee like i can put my feelings out there, and not be judged as "wrong" because you guys are the only ones who understand. for that, i am VERY thankful.

i think a third party might be helpful. thanks for listening, and i sure hope it does get easier. like i said, it's like i'm stuck on a never ending carousel ride, and i can't get off even though i'm about to be sick. it's a very alone feeling.

Your experience is heartbreaking. I started to feel better (still scared, but better) after we were able to start trying again. I can only imagine what it must feel like to keep getting BFPs when all you want is to be back on track. It's totally ok to be sad. It's totally ok to be angry. It's really hard when your partner has a different way of coping than you do. I'm glad you were open to the idea of a 3rd party--it can be especially helpful with exactly this kind of relationship challenges. You could also try to do things that remind you why you love each other (e.g. if there are situations where he IS supportive and helpful, even in a small way, do more of those! And vice versa. If there is something that he's always loved about you, and you are up to it, go for it.)

Also, don't underestimate how much it sucks to be so far away from the people you love. It sounds like that is a big part of this for you guys. Of course you are lonely. We're here to listen--I'm so glad you have us as a resource.

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