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July 2011 Moms
In laws staying after birth
Hi all,
I'm already worried about my in laws coming to stay after the birth of my DS in late July.My in laws live 3 hrs away. After the birth of my DD 2 yrs ago they came the day after I got home from the hospital and stayed for 4 days. I had a very difficult delivery and complications, so I was in very bad shape as I returned home and hoped to relax with my DH and newborn to recover. The in laws came and took over my home. They saw my daughter more than I did. There was no room for me to lay downstairs bc of them, so I stayed up in the bedroom the majority of the time only coming down to take my DD to nurse. If I kept her with me too long, my DH would bring her back downstairs to his parents! I was furious but too tired to fight with DH at that point. I still am FURIOUS that this happened and expressed this to DH after the fact. I have no problem having visitors come see the baby for a few hours and leaving, but I CANNOT have a repeat of the first time! Has anyone had this problem or a similar one? Anyone have any tips in helping me ensure an in law free experience for baby #2? Thanks!
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Re: In laws staying after birth
You can put your foot down and say "absolutley NO VISITORS" or no overnights. You may end up dealing with nobody coming to see the baby.
However, I'd put partial blame on yourself for allowing all this to happen. I understand you were in bad shape, but did you talk to your DH in the moment about things? Regardless of being too tired to argue, he was your main source of communication. You could've stayed downstairs and rested on the couch, but you chose to stay upstairs. No matter what happens, you have to position yourself so that you are where you want to be.
We're moving first, about 30 min from the ILs which thankfully reduces the chances that they'll try to stay with us. It does however, create the issue of my mother coming and wanting to stay all week. I love her dearly, but she's intense.
I realize it will be much easier for me to set rules with my own mother than it is for you with the ILs, but can you have DH head up that converstaion? Maybe have them come to see you in the hospital, and then go home and come back a week later after you've had time to recover and adjust to life as a new family of four?
Also, if their intention is to come "help", have DH talk to them about what they can do- for example "Hey, we love that you want to help out- it would be amazing if you could run the vaccum over the first floor while we bathe baby in the upstairs tub" or something along those lines. It's a tough line to walk, but if DH sets it up with them ahead of time it could help.
Mine are also coming in, for probably a week if not more. This will be our first and I'm very worried about it. My MIL already offered to stay up at nights with the baby so I can sleep. Which, on one hand is very nice....and on the other - it's my baby!
I'm hoping that my parents step in and offer to go out to dinner with them one night. This will give me a night off. I'm also hoping that we can put them to work on other things that they will be good at helping with - running to the store or grocery, making some dinners to freeze, etc.
I recognize it's hard when they live out of town and aren't here in their own element, so all they have is to hang with us...I'm hoping to find some other alternatives that they might be interested in - something at the art museum, etc. Just to break up the time. I think they'll be open to this....at least I hope so!
This is total BS. You and the OP need to get your DH's on board NOW with your feelings and plans. This is YOUR baby (and DH's), not grandparents, siblings, cousins, or friends. You have 1st say-so in what goes on in your house.
Set some ground rules- maybe allow daytime only visitors for the 1st week. If someone wants to stay overnight, they'll need to wait until you are comfortable to do so.
Don't wait until the heat of the moment to have the conversation. But also, don't let yourself be a doormat. We aren't carrying these LO's for 9 months just to let someone else call the shots once they arrive.
Carter James
Tell your H that he needs to let his parents now that he will call them and let them know after the birth when is an appropriate time to visit. This idea that grandparents think that they have rights to a child always blows my mind.
My MIL said they have a 7 hr drive to come see the kid so we need to let them know as soon as I was in labor so they can get to the hospital b/f the birth. I explained everyone would be called after the kid was born and we would let them know when they could come. They were stunned, but since they will have no idea when I am having the kid there is nothing they can do to stop this. My own mother is coming to stay with us after we get home because she will actually help (ie do housework, cook, walk the dog), so that alone will force them to get a hotel and only stay for a day or two.
It is your H's responsibility to tell them though, not yours. There needs to be a united front.
just say NO! tell DH and everyone else that this is about more than just seeing the baby. this is about your RECOVERY. people so quickly forget that the new mother is often in pain and discomfort. anyone who has surgery or is coming home from a hospital stay would not be bombarded with overnight guests, and neither should a new mother no matter how her delivery went.
this is your home, your child. yes, it is also DH's home and child but you are also going through a physical recovery. therefore, you win this argument. put your foot down and set up the rules now. this is our first, but i know how my in laws will act unless i set up the rules now. so here are mine, maybe you can use something similar. (DH's parents are also 3 hours away and will want to be here for a few days up to a week after baby is born).
rule number one: no overnight guests. in laws know this, and they are aware of 3 very close hotels all within walking distance of our apartment. (they have no issue affording this, so i don't feel guilty).
rule number two: no visitors until they are contacted and told that it's a good time to visit. so don't knock on our door unless you are invited over. (this way I can get to a point during each day where I feel somewhat human, know the baby is fed and has an hour or two before needing to breastfeed again. when i'm comfortable we'll have them come visit)
rule number three: the visit ends when it needs to. (DH and I will have a code word. when i need to breastfeed, if i'm feeling ill, if i need to rest and be alone, or if i have to use the bathroom which could be difficult at first, he will then nicely end the visit and his parents can go back to their hotel).
my parents have the same rules, so does anyone else who will call or text asking me to come over and see the baby. they can come when i'm ready for them to, and they can stay for as long as i can stand to be awake and alert.
granted... my parents live 30 minutes away and i will want my mom around much more often b/c i'm more comfortable with her. MIL can deal with it.
good luck!
Both my parents and my in-laws are out of town, and both want to fly in and stay at our (tiny) house for a week after the baby gets here (its our first too). I've already had the talk with my mom that while I am excited for them to come, I want two weeks on my own before houseguests staying for an extended period of time. I want to get myself healed up and feeling better before I am subjected to 24/7 people in my house, even if it is family that will want to help. Our house is way too small and it will be too hot to do anything outside, so are we just going to stare at each other on the couch for a week and watch me fumble thru BF while I'm sore & leaking out of every orifice? No thanks! I also want to start to establish my own routines, esp around BF, without being bombarded by (well meaning) advice from MIL and mom. I'll have the talk with my in-laws when they come down to visit and help paint the nursery in a couple weeks. MH is on board and supportive of my decision to say no guests until I'm ready.
Now, if they want to come a little earlier and stay at a hotel, I'm okay with that. But otherwise, 2 weeks after is when I hear the sleep deprivation kicks in and you may want some time without being glued to the baby.
I think the key is you and your H getting on the same page - this is a good example of the many times in the future when you guys need to present yourselves as 1 team. Good luck!
No one will be staying with us after LO comes. My mom lives 1/2 hour away, and MIL lives 1.5 hours away. They can both come by, but no one is staying over or staying all day.
Both MIL and my mom will come see LO at the birth center -- then just us will go home. We'll take one day to ourselves before having them (or anyone else) over to our house. I don't mind if people want to come and stop by, especially if they want to help. But, no visits will be super long. You just have to talk about these things ahead of time with your family and with your husband.
The compromise that we are reaching (that I have yet to talk to H about because I don't want to stir up drama before the baby gets closer to birth) is that his family is welcome to come to visit but they cannot stay the night. There are many wonderful hotels nearby where they can stay if they desire, and if not, well, we're only an hour away from their house.
My in-laws are very overbearing, and I have heard the "it's his child too" line more times than I can count. Yes, it is his child too, but (as my friend pointed out) HE is not the one recovering from a major medical procedure and who is experiencing pain, bleeding, rapidly changing emotions, and everything else that goes along with physically removing a baby from your body. I would never imagine asking my mom to come stay with us for a week if he had a medical procedure, so why is it ok for his mom to come stay with us for mine? Sure there is a baby involved, but she's going to be here a week later, a month later, twenty years later.
If they are unwilling to meet this compromise or shove their way into the house anyway, my back up plan is to pull the nursing card. We will be nursing in my room or in the nursery and the door will be locked. When I am not nursing we will be napping and the door will be locked. Oh, and Dh will be in there with me because it's his baby too
They are more than welcome to hang out downstairs but I suspect after a few hours of not being entertained they will leave.
House / Baby blog
Here's my tip....Tell them NO, they can not stay with you. End of discussion.
That should do it.
If they're already planning on staying this time around, then you are to blame. You obviously haven't communicated with your husband or with your in laws about your feelings and plans after birth.
Well, I've been there, and I can say that when DS was born, he was the first grandchild for both sides. We live 6 & 8 hours from our families, so my mom came the day after to stay w/me @ the hospital, and ILs came the day I was d/c'd. All three were with us at home. I was recovering from a c/s, trying to BF, and I felt like I had to run interference/entertain while everyone was here. It was hard to just take care of DS. I know they didn't want me doing stuff, but I really tried hard to be awake & chatty whenever possible.
DH & I discussed this b/c his mom about had a cow when they found out when I'm due (SIL is due 6 weeks before me, but we think she'll be delivered at least a week early), and she didn't know how she'd "make it work"......um, excuse me? I know [you] literally stayed w/SIL for a whole week with her first & then every weekend for a MONTH after her second week home--just overkill, if you ask me! I told DH that she didn't have to choose. I want my mom coming here for the first week. I hope that she can make it in time to help me w/my natural approach. I'm not wanting anyone here at the same time again. I am just appalled that she even said that she had to "make it work." So disappointing.
DH is on board with whatever makes me comfortable. I've told him my feelings about the last time, so he is okay with making his parents wait the extra time. I just had to tell him how HARD it really was last time. No matter how much help you have, it's still a learning process & it makes it hard w/"helpers" trying to do everything FOR you. If I were you, I'd say no overnight guests, and one family at a time. This makes for more QT w/grandparents & they won't be "fighting" over baby, and you can have QT w/them as well. Also, no visitors for 2-3 days after you get home (at the very least). You need time away from the [hospital staff] & stimuli of vitals, tests, etc, to just be a little family for a few days to try to get a hang on what works for you all.
HTH & sorry so long.
Trevor Calvin 12.10.07 7:26pm 7lbs2.5oz 19.75in
Emerson Claire 07.07.11 11:34am 7lbs7oz 20.5 in
I totally agree with this. I am floored that anyone would allow their DH to treat them like this. YOU are having a baby, no one else, yes it is their grandchild, but YOU are having a baby. As much as this is DH's baby he is NOT having a baby. If my DH ever disrespected me like that there would be hell to pay, you and his child should be priority #1, you and your baby are his family. When you got married his parents became extended family and you became his immediate family and should therefore be the priority, just as he should be yours. I would never disrespect my DH by inviting my parents somewhere when he wasn't comfortable.
Early on in my marriage my DH had a tendency to put his mother first and value her opinion over mine. That ended quickly because I was not willing to play second fiddle to anyone in my own marriage. The only votes in our family are mine and DH's, his mother does not get to play a part in the decision making of our lives.
I would straighten this out pronto because if you allow your DH and your ILs to walk all over you now, as you did with your first child, they will continue to do it, just as they are doing it now. While I don't think this is all your fault I do think you carry some of the blame for not standing up for yourself with your first child. It's a two way street and I truly believe you can only be disrespected if you allow someone to disrespect you. Nip this in the bud and get your DH on your side, as he already should be. Shame on him for being so incredibly disrespectful of you.
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
I agree with this. We are going to allow visitors, but no overnight (or really even long visit) guests. I'm sure they want to come and help in any way they can but your body will have just gone through quite an ordeal so not only do you deserve time to heal but you also deserve to do it without having to worry about guests in your home. While I also agree that they should be able to see the baby, if they want to come in for an extended stay they should get a hotel room so that you and your family can have alone time. That way they can still visit and help out, but will not be 'in the way'.