Dealing with SAHM jealousy?

rider5344 · April 2011

DH and I have several friends who are SAHM's. One of my best friends is a SAHM. My jealousy eats me up inside. I'm so happy that she is able to do it, but I want to be able to be with my little guy so much! I had my daughter when I was 19 and so had to sacrifice so much time with her to build the life she deserved. I worked and went to school and did it with love and support of my family but on my own other than that. I missed out on so much with her. I have a wonderful, satisfying job that I used to love but can't anymore because all I can think about is the time I'm missing with my son. My heart breaks everyday. DH doesn't understand and doesn't want me to stay home with LO. His mother has always been the type to downgrade the value of SAHM's because she fought so hard to get where she is in life (in a different time) and be able to work. My mom is the same way. I truly want nothing more than to be able to cook, clean, and take care of my home and family (as backward as that may sound) it just feels right and natural to me. It's the only time I feel like I'm doing what I meant to do. I ache. Not sure what I'm asking really, guess I just needed to vent.

uluvfranke · April 2011

i am a sahm.as wonderful as it is,its not easy. i find no time to get anything done. haha.

maybe ask your h if you can cut back to part time?

rider5344 · April 2011

mbenit4:
I'm sorry you are dealing with these feelings.
What I don't understand is that if you knew you felt this way from the experience with your daugher why didn't you talk to your DH about staying home before you got pregnant. I mean this is no surprise to you that you returned to work right?

Actually it kind of was a surprise. I knew I felt that way at the time, but I really enjoyed my job and thought that that would make the difference. I wish I could just cut back on my hours, but I"m a teacher and its really all or nothing, and we can't afford for me not to work. It doesn't help that he is an attorney so people always assume we could afford me to stay at home and so I can't really discuss it with anyone.

IAM4UK · April 2011

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Focus on the positives.

MissSunny42 · April 2011

I totally understand. I am a SAHM, and I love it. I have NO desire to go back to work. I love spending the time with DS...I feel like we have such a special bond. I am also a teacher and I am going back to work in September and I am dredding it already. I really have no advice for you, if you can't swing it with just one income there really isn't much you can do. But I feel for you..

jess1082 · April 2011

Eh. I'm on the fence. I've cut back to part time and while I love being home with DS, like the previous poster said I can't still can't find the time to get everything done. I actually feel like I would get more done if I worked full time as a teacher and had him in daycare until 5 ot 6 pm. That would give me at least a couple hours after work to get things done. Right now I only work about 10 hours/week as a bartender and I get more done on the two days I work than on days I have off.

bobbyruth · April 2011

We had DD1 really young too. I feel like I missed so much because I was working and in school. With W all I want to do is stay home with her but I can't.

spunkyprincessmande · April 2011

As a SAHM (and former teacher) I say if it's what you really desire, than make it happen. I truly believe almost anyone can stay home if they really want to. It just requires a lot of sacrifices and you have to decide if you're willing to make those sacrifices. Check out the SAHM board for ways to cut back and start saving money. Finish off the school year and try to put all of your last couple of checks into a savings account. See if you can live off of H's paycheck alone (you may be surprised!). Cut coupons. Stop eating out. Get rid of cable. Downgrade your cell phone/Internet plans. If it's what you want to do, you should try to do it. I'm not saying SAHM is easy, but I do love it, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

kcfan729 · April 2011

I am also a teacher and h and Ihave decided that it would be best if I was just a sub next yr. That way I get the benefits of both per say. Maybe you could try that.

PunkyBooster · April 2011

Your MIL has nothing to do with this.

Can you financially afford to SAH?

If so, then you and Dh need to have a talk.

If not, then you are going to have to learn how to afford it or learn to deal with your jealousy. It's not for everyone and we all have to make the best of our lives.

quidditchcapn1120 · April 2011

I actually have struggled with this as well- not really the jealousy but I started to think that maybe I really wanted to SAH after DS was born. It was strange for me because I have always been very career oriented and have spent a lot of time in school with LOTS of student loans (i.e. there is NO WAY I can SAH due to this). After going back to school/work and being so sad about it, I thought about it this way: I am working toward a better life for my family. When DS goes to Kindergarten, will I still be happy SAH? My answer was that, no, that would not make me feel fulfilled anymore. So, although I would love to SAH and really wish I could, I decided to look at what is awesome about the situation I am in currently. Maybe think about those things and imagine your life after your kids go to school or once they become more independent: would you still be happy staying at home? What importance does your career have in your life (or what importance did it have before baby?)

HTH!

kpahl · April 2011

I feel the same way as you do. I cry on my way to drop her off every day even though she is going to either of her grandma's for the day and it is free daycare. I am working to pay off as many bills as possible and start saving a ton so soon or when I get pregnant with #2, I can stay home. I am starting to be a coupon queen and cutting back already to see how much I can save and pay off.

moonfaerie · April 2011

Aw sorry you are struggling with these feelings. It is rough. I agree with things PP have said: focus on the positives of your situation, and if you can get your H on board for you to SAH, then find a way to make it happen.

I do feel badly for you because I hated taking my DD to daycare every day. Before #2 was born, DD1 went to daycare two days a week and spent the other three days her grandmom. But we put DD1 in full- time daycare when #2 came along, and I hated it. I was lucky enough that my employer agreed to let me go part-time, so now I work three days a week and MIL watches both kids. Part of me occasionally still wishes that I could SAH, but that is more because I am not satisfied with my job. I think if I found a fulfilling position, I would not mind working.

There are some things that are great about being a working mom. (SAH moms don't get offended here) In general, kids that go to daycare learn more by being exposed to different people, and they get used to being around others so there's not as much separation anxiety. At least, that has been my experience. Also I enjoy going to the bathroom without someone crying to hold them, and eating lunch in peace. I also like feeling more aware of what's going on in the world. On maternity leave, I didn't watch news or leave the house that often so I lost track of current events and found I didn't have much to talk about other than babies. I love talking about my babies, of course, but I also enjoy other adult conversation.

vallefm · April 2011

You may need to remind MIL,DH and you mom that feminism is about choice. If your are able to afford to stay home and that is what you want to do then that is what you should be doing. they may have wanted to stay competive in their jobs(my mom worked 40 plus hours a week and got a 2nd masters when I was a kid )

I got good grades in school, went to grad school,but I knew my dream job was/is to be a SAHM. I get a ton of crap from friends for this choice but I am happy I was able to confess to DH that being SAHM is what I really always wanted to be.

God Luck and follow your heart! You can always get back into the working world(if that is what you want)

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