No Heartbeat... My heart hurts

Kate919 · April 2011

I went in for my first appointment on Wednesday and I was 8w5d. They did an ultrasound and they couldn't find a heartbeat. The doctor said I needed to come in the next day to meet with a technician and use a better machine, so I had to wait a whole day in agony just wondering if my baby was okay. I prayed and bargained with God constantly all night. The next day, I went in with my husband and sure enough, no heartbeat. My worst fears were confirmed. The baby died at 7w5d When I had first gotten pregnant, I didn't want to tell anyone for fear that something would happen. Of course, my husband convinced me nothing could go wrong, and so we told friends and family and I let myself get excited. Now, I feel like my world is collapsing and my heart hurts so bad. We were both so excited, and now I'm sitting here with tears running down my face because I know that my baby is dead inside me and I just have to wait for my body to release it naturally. When this will happen so my heart can start to heal? I never thought that I would be so devastated this early on. It was like my heart and soul were already in love with my baby and now it's gone. What do I do to get through this?

unbelievable2011 · April 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. 'No heartbeat' . . . I think those words will haunt me forever.

I can relate to your situation about telling people. I wanted to wait longer to let people know but my DH wanted to scream it from the rooftops. We ended up telling family and a few friends. When we found out we were miscarrying I was terrified about having to tell everyone but in the last few days I have come to appreciate the fact that these people who are close to me know what we are going through. Even though they don't all know what to say or how to support us it is good not to have to pretend like everything is fine . . . I don't think I could handle that.

This board has been a huge help for me and I hope it will be a comfort for you as well. From reading it sounds as though everyone's body reacts differently and takes a different amount of time to move past the physical part. We found out on a Tuesday that our baby had no heartbeat. 10 days later I had a d&c because I couldn't handle the waiting. It has been 8 days since my d&c and I am starting to feel better. For me, moving past the physical part made a huge difference emotionally. But I think that everyone is different.

((HUGS))

Kate919 · April 2011

Thank you for the support. I honestly just feel so alone right now... I know that people care and have said to call if I need them but I don't want to be around anyone. I think that this board is the support I need...

I am sorry for your loss as well. This is definitely not an easy thing to go through as I am finding out. Thank you for sharing and letting me know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

meeko1985 · April 2011

So sorry for your loss.

"I don't want to be around anyone", I feel exactly the same way. The only person I want is my husband, not even my mom or sister. I found out Monday that I lost the baby, and didn't pass the baby until Thursday night. I agree with Unbelievable, since Thursday night, when my body was phsyically done with the process, it has become easier to deal with emotionally. And while I am very, very sad, I think about how happy the baby made us while he was with us.

sbphotos · April 2011

I am so, so sorry. Your story sounds similar to mine (similar to many, actually). I went for my 9 week ultrasound and was so excited and nervous. My dr started with an abdominal u/s but couldn't get a good view, so she did a transvaginal. I looked at the screen and there was a baby! It looked just like the pictures I had seen online of 9 week ultrasounds (I researched ahead of time because I wanted to know what to expect). Then I looked at my dr's face and I knew. She said she couldn't find the heartbeat and, just like you, my heart broke in half. Devastated. We did our "official" ultrasound about a half hour later on another floor of the office. I just kept waiting to hear the tech say, "OH! There it is! There's the heartbeat!", but of course that never happened. I'm sorry you had to wait a whole day to find out for sure. That must have been agony, you poor thing.

I know you feel heartbroken, alone, sad, anxious, angry, guilty, nervous, and a million other emotions. We've all been there. Time and time again I say that this board was my sanity through these past 4 weeks. Use us to vent, get information, get comfort and support and in turn, support others as well. I was just speaking to my mom on the phone last night and telling her about the bump. I said, "I really found that supporting others was one of the main things that helped me so much." I was saying to another person yesterday that even though we're all different, the emotions are all so similar. If you're feeling a certain way on any given day, write a post on this board or the TTCAL board and there's a dozen women who either feel that same way or remember feeling that way and can completely sympathize and relate.

Hang in there. It's a bumpy road and an emotional rollercoaster, but you'll get through it. It will get easier. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will.

HUGS

AgWife83 · April 2011

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Our stories are so similar, and I feel and felt exactly like you. I was cautious in telling everyone about my pregnancy too, but my husband wanted to tell immediate family on his birthday, which was close to 8 weeks, so I went ahead and let him.

We found out at our 11 week appt., Monday the 11th, that the baby had stopped in the 7th week. I had so many questions about what was going to happen to me. The unknown was agony. Not knowing what was going to happen to me was the worst part. Worrying about the bleeding was terrifying. Worrying about the pain was terrifying. Worrying about seeing everything was terrifying.

I read tons and tons of stories, and while they didn't do any good for my anxiety, it did help me to prepare, that's why I'm sharing with you. My doctor kept telling me it was going to be like having a heavy period. That was so far from the truth. I don't know if she was just trying not to scare me or what, but I feel like the doctors don't tell you what really happens. The actual miscarriage was no where near as bad as I expected, but if I had kept on expecting it to be like a heavy period, I would have been in for a rude awakening and a lot of panic.

I started to bleed Wednesday. I miscarried Thursday night after going in to what I can only describe as labor for 20 minutes, passing an in-tact sac and placenta. Those 20 minutes were the only pain that I had, and most of it was like my worse menstral cramps, so bearable, but cyclical, as in, contractions. I had about 5 minutes of unbearable, near passing out or throwing up pain, still cyclical, then the sac passed, and the pain stopped immediately. I have not had any bad cramping or bleeding since. It did bring me a sense of closure. I'm still bleeding now, and it's mostly light, I don't know how long this will go on, but I hope the worst is over. I know it will be a long road, but I think I'm on the path to healing now.

Has your doctor offered you any options? Mine did say I could opt for a D&C if nothing happened soon, but my body took care of itself. My advice to you is to research your options, and go with what you feel comfortable with, go with what you feel you need to be able to move on. I know it's so hard and scary right now, just try to do the best you can. This board has been a huge support for me, I hope you find that here too.

(((hugs)))

hopefulmom81 · April 2011

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I hate that you have to join us, but am happy you found this board.

I guess all I can say is that you do get through it and life does get better again. I think two major things that helped me were my two week post m/c follow up appointment and getting my first AF after a m/c. Both made me look to the future and realize that my DH and I still have endless possibilities and that we will get our own family some day.

Do you feel like you knew something was "off"? When I read that you didn't tell anyone because you feared something would go wrong, I totally related to that. I felt like every time we "announced" I was making a huge mistake.

As far as the timing of the m/c, your body loses the pregnancy hormone over time and once it hits a certain low number you will begin to spot. Once I started to spot, the whole process took about 10 days. Physically, it was pretty easy compared to the emotional side. PM me if you need to talk.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

gardenandread · April 2011

**siggy warning

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Going in and finding out there is no heartbeat is one of the most awful things to go through. We went in at 8w5d and the baby only measured 6w2d. I have naturally m/c two times, and both times afterward I was able to feel some measure of peace in knowing that the worst part was over. One thing that helped me get through the m/c's was to focus on the milestones coming ahead. I hope this board is a comfort to you, and that you are able to get the support you need.

AgWife83 · April 2011

hopefulmom81:

Do you feel like you knew something was "off"? When I read that you didn't tell anyone because you feared something would go wrong, I totally related to that. I felt like every time we "announced" I was making a huge mistake.

Me too, completely.

MissAutumn · April 2011

I am sorry for your loss. I can also relate to how you feel. My DH wanted to tell everyone so we did, only to have to turn around and tell them we lost the baby.I also had to have a natural miscarriage and it was tough.If I had a choice, I would have had a D&C but I didnt have the choice. I can tell you its hard to begin healing while your have a natural miscarriage, every pain and time you go to the bathroom is a reminder of what you've lost. Im sorry. I hope that you can find comfort here. Left Hug

Kate919 · April 2011

Thank you all so much for the support. I honestly believe that God helped me find this board for a reason. Yes, I did feel "off" throughout the whole thing - Like I shouldn't believe it yet (maybe it was my intuition trying to protect me). I wish I hadn't let myself get so excited so that I didn't feel so devastated now, but hindsight is always 20/20 I guess. I agree with you all that it is now about looking toward the future. I am anxious to get the actual physical part out of the way because right now it's just a waiting game that is scaring the hell out of me. My Dr. did give me options for a D&C or medication to help with the physical part as well as pain, however my husband and I thought that having a natural m/c would probably be the best thing. Emotionally, I'm not sure that I made the right choice. If I do not pass this by Monday, I think that I will be calling the Dr. to discuss some other options... It will be easier to start to heal once I have some closure I think. Until then, I will continue to reach out to you all for support as well as to support you in your struggle too. We're in this together ladies. We have a special bond now that many cannot begin to understand (unfortunately...). Thank you again for your support. I really appreciate it!

boymamaco · April 2011

I am so sorry for your loss. We hadn't told many people so I didnt' have to "untell" anyone. The ones I did tell were the ones I would want to comfort me with the miscarriage anyway. However, I also found that I didn't want to talk to anyone IRL about it. Other than my husband. He was a great support. I came here several times a day, and found comfort in reading others stories or posting about how I was feeling frustrated, mad, sad. This board was a lifesaver for me. I hope it can be helpful for you too. Sending you hugs!

SimonHunter · April 2011

So sorry for your loss and what you are going though. As most other my situation was similar to yours.... It does get better, slowly. At one point I was at a loss of what to feel or how to feel like I would ever be OK. We had not told many people (my parents and 1 couple close to us) personally it was worse for everyone else to not know, I wasn't at school for almost a week and DH had been leaving school (he is a 3rd grade teacher and I work at the school also) many of our friends knew something was happening but not sure what. Once I made the decision to tell them why I was teary and not wanting to talk to anyone for fear of breaking down it was easier for me. They all knew what was going on and were there for support. Personally telling friends was the best thing for me, hopefully you can find some support that will help you also.

Again so sorry, its been just over 3 weeks for me. It does getting better but sadly it is still a large hole in my heart.

Hugs.

christinakprice · April 2011

I am so sorry you lost your baby, I cried reading your post.

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