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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
***Morning Confession***
This discussion has been closed.
Re: ***Morning Confession***
I cried into my Cookie Crisp this morning at breakfast. I nearly had an anxiety attack about coming back to work today (I was off Thurs/Fri last week). I'm here now though and I'm glad I came.
I also spent more $ at Target yesterday than I probably should have - 3 new summer dresses (I hadn't bought any b/c I was anticipating needing maternity clothes this summer), 2 new lamps for our bedroom and a camera case.
This one is really mean, but I know you guys are right with me.
I miscarried back in January, so I'm doing much better on the day-to-day dealings. I still cry when I see people getting ultrasounds on TV. But I have an elderly neighbor who I normally love. I was so excited to tell her when I found out I was pregnant and she spread the word to all her church friends (she's like a grandma to me). But lately, I've been avoiding her because all she wants to do is talk about my loss. That she prays for my baby in heaven, etc. My issues with it: 1. I'm not religious. 2. I really would just like to talk about the weather and not what I don't have in my life.
And as you saw from my 1am post, my body's still on the fritz and I got 3 hours of sleep last night. You'd think I was going through menopause with these symptoms!
Can it be the weekend now? I really would just like to skip this week entirely.
I feel a little guilty because I actually enjoyed my weekend.
I am afraid to TTC again. even though I desperately want a family I'm afraid of a MC and afraid of having the actual live baby and being a bad parent.
jeez, that sounds horrible. I'm horrible.
My heart is as open as the sky.
Read about it on the blog
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
ok, this is REALLLLLY bothering me, so i'm going to get it off my chest.
i cannot stand how it always seems like the worst mothers/people get to take home their babies, and the rest of us have losses.
prime example: this 21 year old girl in my town, who is a TOTAL drug head/piece of poo, found out she was pregnant a few months ago. she already has one son, and this one is to another guy (in a different city btw). so, she's pregnant with number two, two different dads, and she knew she was pregnant and was still doing drugs and drinking alcohol and smoking. she doesn't take care of the first kid (cause she's too busy being high) the baby's grandparents have him 99.9% of the time. they took him away from her because one time they came home and her and her BF were passed out and Conner was playing in the fireplace. THE FIREPLACE COME ON! needless to say, child services was called that day. she fed him flaming hot cheetos at 6 months old, and wondered why he cries when he poops. UM HELLLLLO!!!!! so, please tell me why this woman needs another child? please tell me how i didn't get to keep my twins, but this low life gets two children, when she doesn't even want/need any?
we all take great care of our bodies, wouldn't even think of touching alcohol/drugs/cigarettes while we were pregnant, yet we lose our LO's. we, the ones who would take care of our kids and give them endless love, don't get our take home babies. it's not fair.
ok, rant over. i just really had to get that off my chest. i just don't see how that's fair, and it quite frankly, pisses me off.
? BFP #1 EDD 10/18/2011. Twin Blighted Ovums 3/10/11. D&C on 3/11/11 ?
?BFP #2 5/19/2011 ? 9/1/2011 - it's a BOY!!! ? Jace Matthew born 1/23/12 ?
?BFP 6/21/2012 - EDD 3/5/2013 - natural MC 7/22/2012 at 7w ?
?BFP 10/24/2012 - EDD 6/26/2013, grow little one grow!?
you are NOT horrible! not in anyway. i think you are wonderful!
i think in the back of our minds, we are all terrified. i know i am. i know i desperately want my take home baby, but once i do finally know that i'm pregnant again, the first thing i'm going to think of is - what if i miscarry, what if somethings wrong again?
the carefree pregnancy happiness most woman get to experience, will never happen for us. we will always worry, we will always be terrified, but that's what these boards are for.
and if you read my post up above, that is a bad mom. i know for a fact that you will be an awesome mom, because you are so supportive of everyone on these boards. i have all the faith in you!
*edit - i forgot a word. monday makes my brain frazzled. ha.
? BFP #1 EDD 10/18/2011. Twin Blighted Ovums 3/10/11. D&C on 3/11/11 ?
?BFP #2 5/19/2011 ? 9/1/2011 - it's a BOY!!! ? Jace Matthew born 1/23/12 ?
?BFP 6/21/2012 - EDD 3/5/2013 - natural MC 7/22/2012 at 7w ?
?BFP 10/24/2012 - EDD 6/26/2013, grow little one grow!?
All of THIS.
I was riding on the train on Saturday and I got to hear this pregnant chick behind me talk about another eight months pregnant girl who doesn't want to have her baby. I would swim through an ocean of shattered glass to be able to have my child back. But, on the date when I was due to have my baby, some retarded crackhead gets to have a miraculously healthy baby. There is absolutely NO justice in that. That's why I say that Mother Nature is a stupid b**ch!!! Oh and this is all of "God's Plan"??? Is that the same "master plan" that lets someone who shouldn't watch goldfish be able to have a child?
Wow, that felt good.
*surprise vent over*
Robynann- you telling us you are glad you came to work helps.. it seems working is helping many women..enjoy those new dresses! Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
My heart is as open as the sky.
Read about it on the blog
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
QUOTE (but I couldn't get it to work right): I know for a fact that you will be an awesome mom, because you are so supportive of everyone on these boards. i have all the faith in you!
This. Absolutely! I have been incredibly impressed with the support I have received already on these boards and by the support given to others (that also provides a lot of support to me). I have been incredibly impressed by your ability to give support to others while dealing with your own loss. So far I have felt a little selfish here . . . just looking for support but unable to give it back (even to myself). Thank you!
Make a pregnancy ticker
It is 3 days after my d&c and I think I am starting to feel physically back to normal. At least, I can imagine that I will soon. Emotionally not so much!
Saturday (the day after my d&c), I actually made it through an entire day without crying. Yesterday was a different story and today I cried before I even had my breakfast.
My husband is having a hugely stressful time at work and I feel horrible that I haven't been able to be there for him. I have wanted to be but instead he has had to put all of that down and try to be there for me. I know he understands but I also want to find a way to let him know that I am aware of all he is doing and all I am not (not judging myself here . . . I know I need to heal).
Make a pregnancy ticker
My heart is as open as the sky.
Read about it on the blog
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
yay for making it through a whole day not crying! it took me over a week and more to get to that point, so yay for you! but unfortunately, i'm not sure if the emotion part will ever heal. some days are better then others, but there's always that one thing that reminds you, or the one day that you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and it's just downhill from there. it does get easier though,i promise. it takes time - even though sometimes i feel like time is my worst enemy.
as for your husband, i'm sure he knows how much you appreciate him being there for you when you can't be there for him and i'm sure he knows that it won't be like this forever. i've learned that while i was busy grieving, my husband was busy pushing it aside to help me - and then one day, it hit him. and when that time came, i was ready to be there for him. maybe do something nice for him, if he likes golfing - get a him a day of golfing. Or even simpler, make him one of his favorite dinners and while you're eating, just let him know how much you appreciate him. just a few suggestions!
i hope this gets easier for you, i really do. i hate that we all have to be here, but without these boards, during my loss i would have lost my mind. it's always nice to know that there is a place to go that someone will always understand how we feel.
? BFP #1 EDD 10/18/2011. Twin Blighted Ovums 3/10/11. D&C on 3/11/11 ?
?BFP #2 5/19/2011 ? 9/1/2011 - it's a BOY!!! ? Jace Matthew born 1/23/12 ?
?BFP 6/21/2012 - EDD 3/5/2013 - natural MC 7/22/2012 at 7w ?
?BFP 10/24/2012 - EDD 6/26/2013, grow little one grow!?
I do not want to be at work at all today, for several reasons...
1.) I am waiting to m/c naturally, and I am really worried that it will happen here at work.
2.) I am a HS teacher, and I have 3 freshmen girls who are pregnant...I really don't want to look at them right now. It just hurts to see all these girls who are pregnant or who have just had babies, and I can't seem to.
Today I am missing Florida.
We moved to Indiana for my schooling and to be closer with our families. To be honest being closer to family only causes me more frustration and heartache. I have a 30yr old sister who is a drug addict (meth) and some how God has given her 2 healthy babies but taken away my brothers and now mine. My parents constantly tend to her like she has a terminal illness and not a drug addiction that needs to be addressed. They support her and her children while I can't even get a "How are you?" phone call once a week. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should have picked up a drug habit instead of getting a Masters in Biology and going to Med school. BLAH.
I just want to go back to our 2 bedroom condo, take out on the beach, and my evening runs on the bay bridge. We didn't know a single soul other than a few people from my masters program. Life was easy then.