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Blended Families
Question . . . Bio Dad not involved
I have a question . . . . kinda from the other side of the spectrum. My husband is bio dad to a 7 year old girl. He is not involved (per bio mom's wishes). He was also married before and has 2 children from that marriage. We are married and expecting a baby girl in less than 2 months. We are involved with his 2 children from his previous marriage. We have a good relationship with them, and they seem genuinly excited about our addition to the family. Although they are aware of the other child, they do not talk about it with us (they are 12 & 10). I was wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation . . . I know we have time to figure things out before our baby will understand anything. BUT . . . how do you raise your child and tell her that her father has another daughter in the world, but isn't involved with her?! I would probably not even consider telling her, except that his kids (my step kids) know about her and will most likely tell our daughter. Therefore, I plan on being as honest as I can, as soon as I can . . . . but where do you start with something like this?? Can anyone recommend a good book about blended families (and possibly similar sticky situations)?
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Re: Question . . . Bio Dad not involved
My children have a bio-brother on their bio-dad's (my ex's) side from before we were married. He gave him up for adoption to the stepfather. I have the ability to just leave it up to bio-dad (which I realize is not your situation since you are together.)
To my knowledge at 8 and 10, my children are unaware. My ex recently claimed to still be in contact with the child in court docs though (although since he mistated his age by 2 years, I think it was probably not entirely true, but that is a whole different story.) In my situation, I think this is better dealt with as they get old enough to understand. It is not something I feel needs to be explained to them. If they find out, then we will have the conversation (they have cousins etc. that also know and could/would tell them.)
I'm not sure it is really something you can totally prepare for. I think you will have to deal with it as your child gets older and you are in a situation where it needs to be addressed.
You say he is not involved because of the bm's wishes, but what are HIS wishes? He should have rights if he wants to be involved.
I don't know how to handle this. I would be fairly ticked if I found out that I had a sister and everyone knew it but me, so I would probably be erring on the side of caution and explaining it as soon as she was old enough to understand. My dh is not my ss bio dad, and I think that he deserves to be told. I am in the minority however, and it is not my decision to make. I have a terrible fear that someday he will need medical treatment, and some blood test will prove it to him before anyone tells him. Irrational, but could happen.
I would be very upfront about this other child as early as possible. You do not need to get into exacting details until later in life, but you do need to let her know.
Were it me, I would seriously have doubts about my father's integrity and our relationship would be hurt by a revelation like this.
I mean, if he could easily give up on ONE of his children (ie NOT FIGHT FOR HIS RIGHT TO A RELATIONSHIP) then he can easily give up on ME.
Your husband is going to need to be honest and reassuring to ALL of his children to ensure that they really do understand his situation and love.
Just be sure to include the other child in your childs prayers, even if they dont know eachother it can help to feel like they are helping in some way.
Put up a pic, even an old one of them. Maybe have dad tell them about it when they are old enough to understand the details.
I think its wonderful that you want to figure this out. GL!!
I think you will just know when it's the right time. My suggestion is to just be aware and do it when it's right for your child. Ballpark it around 4 or 5 or so - when they appear capable of understanding.
Also -your other girls - they will be old enough to understand and be senstive to it before your baby is at a good age. You don't have to do it immediately, but at some point you should have a discussion with them that you will let the new baby know when the time is right and that you would appreciate their not telling her, and allowing you and your husband to do it at the right time.
I think it says a lot about your DH that he has not interest in having a relationship with his daughter. Just remember past is prolouge and if he disappears from your child's life one day, don't be too surprised.
I think you should encourage him to be involved and not an absentee father. How sad for your child who will grow up fearing daddy might abandon him/her too....
Maybe something along the lines of, "honey, daddy has another baby, but he has nothing to do with her. He chose not to." Honestly, how can you have a child with a man who has decided not to be a part of his CHILD's life?
Why exactly is the child's mother prohibiting contact with your H?
And here's another question: before you married this guy, did you get to the bottom of why exactly she does not want him to have any type of contact with the child?
Okay everybody...let's not attack her on this. Believe it or NOT, there are situations where this is a legitimate decision - and one that is best for the child. We obviously do not know the entire situation, nor did she ask for our opinion on it. She appears to be adult about this, and is handling your questions very intelligently and respectfully... I suggest we not assume anything about her husband, his and their situation and simply answer her question.
I think they are being very responsible in handling this with their children. To me, that indicates that they are good parents, regardless of whether or not he has contact with his first born.