How to handle unsolicited advice

okraldy05 · April 2011

We weren't planning on telling anyone that we are TTC, but while visiting one of my friends who just had a baby, inevitably the question of "so when are you guys having one?" came up and DH slipped and told them we were hoping to have a baby early next year. My friend and I were talking a few days later, and she goes "I love you, but I think you're absolutely insane to be thinking about having a baby right now." It really really hurt my feelings, because DH and I have planning this for a long time, and we feel well prepared financially and emotionally. How would you ladies handle a situation like this?

OutOnALimb55 · April 2011

"just because you pushed a baby from your vagina now you can tell me how to live my life?"

KdgTeacher · April 2011

My response to the first question: "9 months after I get pregnant."

My response to the second question: "Thank you for your opinion. We're adults and can and will make our own decisions"

greeneyed_bride · April 2011

That would have definitely upset me! It's possible that she's just feeling a little bit overwhelmed at the moment. Did she give you any reasons for saying that?

If someone were to say that to me, I'm not really sure what I'd say.

Lena122 · April 2011

"I'm sorry you feel that way but my H and I are capable of making our own decisions."

jillychris · April 2011

Lena122:
"I'm sorry you feel that way but my H and I are capable of making our own decisions."

This!!

MissusW · April 2011

greeneyed_bride:
That would have definitely upset me! It's possible that she's just feeling a little bit overwhelmed at the moment. Did she give you any reasons for saying that?

If someone were to say that to me, I'm not really sure what I'd say.

I suggest violence.

okraldy05 · April 2011

OutOnALimb55:
"just because you pushed a baby from your vagina now you can tell me how to live my life?"

I think this is the main problem, exactly. She's been a mother for all of a month, so now she gets to make parenting choices for everyone?!

OutOnALimb55 · April 2011

okraldy05:
OutOnALimb55:
"just because you pushed a baby from your vagina now you can tell me how to live my life?"
I think this is the main problem, exactly. She's been a mother for all of a month, so now she gets to make parenting choices for everyone?!

I have friends just like her. Ugh. STFU people

elandric · April 2011

KdgTeacher:
My response to the first question: "9 months after I get pregnant."

My response to the second question: "Thank you for your opinion. We're adults and can and will make our own decisions"

I agree with this statement. I also wonder what the conversation was leading up to her making that statement.

BrittanyLaRae · April 2011

Okay, there are so many things that boggle me about your friend, but let's just discuss a couple:

1. SHE had a baby... why in the world would she then try to discourage you from trying???? Obviously she didn't think it was insane for HER to have a baby (this is assuming it was a planned pregnancy, but either way, a baby is a blessing).

2. Why would she ASK you guys when you were planning if she felt so negatively about you trying soon? It was like she was just waiting for you to tell her so that she could knock you down.

Sorry if this came off sounding harsh to your friend, but that just really frustrates me that she would be so totally discouraging to you. If you had asked her opinion about it, then she could have said something similar (perhaps trying to tactfully leave out the "insane" part), but the fact that she just brought that up (especially in such a harsh way) really irks me. Good luck to you! I hope you get a wonderful BFP soon; you will do just fine. Oh, and you are sane... well, at least as sane as the rest of us on here. Muhuhahahaha! =D

BrittanyLaRae · April 2011

Lena122:
"I'm sorry you feel that way but my H and I are capable of making our own decisions."

LOL, I got so irked that I forgot the "advice" part. THIS!

HappyAardvark · April 2011

Well, what did you say back to her? I'm guessing you replied with something, unless you ended the conversation there and left her house.

I guess it's my internal psychiatrist, but I'd want to get to the bottom of why she's up and just say something so inflammatory like that out of the blue to me. I'd have to guess it's her own stress manifesting itself in the form of that kind of unsolicited advice, or her looking back and wishing she'd done things differently before having her baby - I don't know, as annoying as it is, I kind of think there's always something to learn even from negative situations. At the very least, if you care that is, you might help her get to the root of her own problems and be a happier person!

okraldy05 · April 2011

I immediately started explaining our rationale about why we were going to start trying now as opposed to later, which I really regret now because I really don't think I should have to justify the choices I (and my husband) make. I think her "advice" comes from a good place, but maybe she's just not communicating the way she wants. She just kept telling me "it's a lot of work, and it changes your whole routine, and you really have to be prepared," like I hadn't considered any of these things before. I wonder if maybe some of this is manifesting from her own feelings about her own pregnancy?

Bizzy98 · April 2011

That would upset me too. Maybe her horomones are all out of wack from her pregnancy?? If this is something that would shock you coming out of her mouth and not typical of her then I would tell her how you feel about her saying that and get to the bottom of her acting acting like this.

lovethoseleaves · April 2011

Lena122:
"I'm sorry you feel that way but my H and I are capable of making our own decisions."

THIS

OP, my mother reacted the same way. She told me that we weren't old enough or ready to have a baby yet, and that we couldn't afford one. She lives halfway across the country, and I basically told her that she didn't know my financial situation and that whether she likes it or not, we are adults now and are able to make our own decisions.

outrunthemoon · April 2011

I have a friend who is very similar to this. She is constantly lecturing me on our choices of marriage & ttc. She tends to believe that she knows a lot because once before, a while ago...she got pregnant. Which unfortunately ended in a m/c but she still feels she can give me advice on ttc. The funny thing about it is after being on TB I have learned so much more than she knows and I just laugh and brush it off when she tries to give me advice on ttc.

And when she gives me her opinion on ttc I tell her that I know everyone will have their own thoughts but we have decided we want one wether anyone thinks its right or not. We have done a lot of thinking about it and we will be able to handle it. Thanks.

okraldy05 · April 2011

lovethoseleaves:
Lena122:
"I'm sorry you feel that way but my H and I are capable of making our own decisions."
THIS
OP, my mother reacted the same way. She told me that we weren't old enough or ready to have a baby yet, and that we couldn't afford one. She lives halfway across the country, and I basically told her that she didn't know my financial situation and that whether she likes it or not, we are adults now and are able to make our own decisions.

I am absolutely terrified of how my mom will react when I tell her I'm pregnant (whenever that will be). I'm hoping that she'll surprise me and be supportive and maybe even excited, but I'm not holding my breath.

outrunthemoon · April 2011

okraldy05:
lovethoseleaves:
Lena122:
"I'm sorry you feel that way but my H and I are capable of making our own decisions."
THIS
OP, my mother reacted the same way. She told me that we weren't old enough or ready to have a baby yet, and that we couldn't afford one. She lives halfway across the country, and I basically told her that she didn't know my financial situation and that whether she likes it or not, we are adults now and are able to make our own decisions.
I am absolutely terrified of how my mom will react when I tell her I'm pregnant (whenever that will be). I'm hoping that she'll surprise me and be supportive and maybe even excited, but I'm not holding my breath.

I feel the same way. We were thinking about how we would tell our parent and initially thought we would have them over for dinner and tell them at the same time. But then I thought about it and wasn't sure what everyones initial reactions would be and that makes me nervous. I know after it sinks in everyone will be excited but before that...I don't know

babiesbabiesbabies · April 2011

okraldy05:
lovethoseleaves:
Lena122:
"I'm sorry you feel that way but my H and I are capable of making our own decisions."
THIS
OP, my mother reacted the same way. She told me that we weren't old enough or ready to have a baby yet, and that we couldn't afford one. She lives halfway across the country, and I basically told her that she didn't know my financial situation and that whether she likes it or not, we are adults now and are able to make our own decisions.
I am absolutely terrified of how my mom will react when I tell her I'm pregnant (whenever that will be). I'm hoping that she'll surprise me and be supportive and maybe even excited, but I'm not holding my breath.

I guess I haven't seen you around, but out of curiosity why this? My family cannot wait for DH and I to have a baby. Is there a particular reason why both your friend and your mother would not be supportive? Is there a message they are trying to tell you that perhaps you should consider?

**just playing devil's advocate

okraldy05 · April 2011

I do have supportive people in my life who will be excited, I promise

My mother and my DH don't get along well, and my mom's just not a fan of children in general. She's actually told me "having children ruins your life" (gee, thanks mom). But I think she will be excited, it might just take her a little while to get there.

happilyeverafterxo · April 2011

KdgTeacher:
My response to the first question: "9 months after I get pregnant."

My response to the second question: "Thank you for your opinion. We're adults and can and will make our own decisions"

Yes Exactly this.

KristieM1985 · April 2011

Lena122:
"I'm sorry you feel that way but my H and I are capable of making our own decisions."

This exactly!

tkbaby12 · April 2011

That was insanely rude of her. If that's what she thinks, she needs to keep that to herself. I'm betting she's a little unhappy now that her LO has arrived and her life is turned upside down.

Don't let her bring you down, I hope you get your BFP soon. Big Smile

retallica · April 2011

OutOnALimb55:
"just because you pushed a baby from your vagina now you can tell me how to live my life?"

Yes

Want a personalized experience?

How to handle unsolicited advice

Re: How to handle unsolicited advice

Choose Another Board

Search Boards