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Single Parents
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Sometimes I feel bad for STBXH
STBXH has12 hours per week with DS per our temporary custody agreement. However, since he broke up with OW (I like to call her "Driving Ms. Daisy" as that was her main role in his life), he has no transportation and therefore can't pick up DS or even come over to our house to see him as he doesn't have a ride to or from.
I know it's his fault for the position he finds himself in and the choices he's made have caused these difficulties, but sometimes I do feel bad for him because I know how much he wants to spend time with his son. I can't imagine being so close (he lives about 10 miles away maybe?) but not being able to physically get to where your child is located. Seems to be an eye opening experience for him though, which is probably a good thing since he's never had to deal with the repercussions of any of his actions.
It saddens me that seeing DS grow is one of the only things he has going for him right now, and he hardly even gets that because of his past choices, even though he wants to be 100% involved.
Any advice on how I should handle it? Just keep abiding by the arrangement as it's written? Say too bad/so sad every time he misses another visit because he can't find a ride? Offer rides or visits if (and only if) it's not an inconvenience for me? It's not DS's fault his dad struggles and don't want him to be short changed in any way.
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Re: Sometimes I feel bad for STBXH
Where do visits take place? I ask because I feel like you should never be in the car with your ex. If the visits take place at his house ... I would still need more info about your ex, but maybe driving if it doesn't inconvenience you makes sense.
The reason I say that is that if the two of you CAN manage things without going to court for modifications every time there is a slight change in circumstances everybody benefits. KEEP A LOG OF ALL VISITS, DRIVING DETAILS, etc.
http://oi62.tinypic.com/2w73hq9.jpg
Can you drop the child off for the visit? Since it's so close that seems like a good compromise for the moment...
Then again, 10 miles isn't that far - if he was as committed as you say, maybe he would find a way.
(ETA: After XH and I split up, there was a period of a few months that I didn't have a car. I had a temporary custody order that stated he had to do the driving for all visits until such time as I obtained a vehicle and then we would split the driving 50/50. If this is a decent guy, it's in the best interest of the child to see the father.)
He doesn't have any family/friends that can drive him around?
The arrangement states that he is to pick up DS from daycare on X day at a certain time with any licensed driver and I will pick DS up at the end of the visit. I also transport to and from on Saturday visits. It doesn't state where the visits are required to take place, but he doesn't have a house (or apt.-he can't afford anything)-he's currently sleeping on his buddy's couch in a dumpy apt.
Since he can never get a ride to pick up DS, I have been picking DS up after I get off work and we head home since by that point all we have time for is playing, dinner, and bedtime (he is in bed asleep about 90 minutes after we walk in the door at night) and STBXH misses the entire visit due to lack of transportation.
I don't remember your backstory too well, so I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your STBXH or the circumstances of your split, so my advice may change with more details. That being said, it sounds like you're being pretty generous as is; you're doing all the driving for the weekend visits and I don't blame you for not going out of your way during the week (I completely understand the 90 minutes or less between walking in the door and bedtime). Ultimately, your STBXH doesn't have his license for a reason and these are the consequences he faces. I understand you say he wants to be involve in his child's life, and I hope that he does, but he needs to then take the initiative and arrange for rides to see his child. It shouldn't be your sole responsibility to be a chauffer. If he wants to see his child badly enough he'll get a ride or call a cab or something.