Lack of sympathy from my sister-- feel so terrible all over again. :-(

Mermaid1979 · April 2011

I feel such a heaviness every time I wake up-- morning is the worst because it means that I have to deal with reality. Sleep is the only relief I get from this sadness and depression. I wish I could feel better, but I don't know how. I think the additional fact of my hormones changing so dramatically has also contributed to the way I'm feeling. I had been feeling *so* good until this happened-- it's such an extreme change and I'm trying to figure out how to be positive and optimistic again. I also still keep feeling like I should be over this already because I was only ~ 6 weeks along and maybe because the pregnancy was just starting to feel real to me (I miscarried a little more than a week after finding out I was pregnant).

I also find that I have felt so much *worse* after talking to few family members. My dad tried to be comforting, but he also acted all surprised that I was expressing anger over this. He made it seem like that wasn't warranted, even though he did say that he was sorry that this happened. It seems like because this pregnancy was so new, some people feel like it's not that big of a deal. A close friend said, "I know you must be a little bit disappointed, but it's just the beginning..." She was trying to be nice and make me feel better. But I don't want anyone to try to make me feel better-- they *can't*. I just want them to say, "I'm so sorry this happened. Is there anything I can do for you?" It seems like that's expecting too much.

My younger sister was the worst, though-- I went for a walk with her and my parents' dogs yesterday and I felt devastated by the way she responded. I let her talk for a long while about various other things and she hadn't even said anything like, "I'm sorry that this happened..." I figured she didn't know what to say, so I eventually started talking about how I was feeling.

I said I was upset that most people hadn't even sent messages expressing sympathy and that it hurt me that I hadn't heard from her. She immediately got defensive and seemed accusatory that I wasn't justified in being angry or upset with people for not understanding. I explained that I didn't expect them to understand, but it would comforting to have a little sympathy. It seemed like she couldn't handle the suggestion that she wasn't being understanding about my difficult situation. She actually started yelling at me and I completely broke down.

I felt like sh*t again and it hurt again just as bad as the day that it first happened a week ago. I cried so hard and walked the rest of the way ahead of her by myself. I feel so emotionally exhausted by all of this and I can't ever imagine having the same type of relationship with her again. I f*ing hate her for this-- she attacked me when I am still grieving the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

All I can surmise is that this has to do with her own f-ed up personal issues. She has been in a relationship with some one who is 25 yrs older than her (she's 29) and that is fine; I don't think there's anything wrong with that. The problem-- I can only guess--is that she is angry and scared that she won't be able to have kids if she stays with him, because he didn't seem too keen on that idea. That's not MY fault and at least she has a choice in that situation (as hard as it is, she knew it going in obviously). I had NO choice in this situation and I feel like she's being unsympathetic because she hates the position that she's in. I would NEVER treat anyone like this if they had been through such a painful ordeal. She just said, "Well, lots of bad things happen to people all the time.." She would never say that to someone whose "real" family member had died. It feels like a kick in the gut when what I need is a helping hand.

1220winterbride · April 2011

I am shocked. It amazes me how many stories I hear of ruthless, insensitive people on this board. I hope your sister never has to go through anything like this herself but if she did she would never speak so cruelly to you or any other grieving mother.

hugs.

DKC1308 · April 2011

I hate that you have to deal with crappy people in your life. Your sister is clearly not someone who you can lean on for support at this time. And that sucks.

My saving grace has been this board and writing in my journal. I write at night before I go to sleep and in the morning when I wake up. I put down how my day went and what feelings I am having and then my fears, hopes and goals for the day. This has made a huge difference for me. I also learned the hard way that people will not always respond to you the way you would like or need them too.

I did not tell a lot of people about the pregnancy as I was well aware of the miscarriage rate before the 2nd trimester. But because we were so close to the 2nd tri, I started to share the news with close friends and family. When the pregnancy ended I never felt more alone in my life. My best friend asked me to dinner the evening of my D&C. I was in shock. I had just talked to her a few hours before the procedure and she really thought I'd want to go out, in public and have dinner... I mean... seriously?

I hope things get better for you. And ya know what I say about crappy people? F em. What do they know anyway??

T&P

1220winterbride · April 2011

DKC1308:

I hate that you have to deal with crappy people in your life. Your sister is clearly not someone who you can lean on for support at this time. And that sucks.

My saving grace has been this board and writing in my journal. I write at night before I go to sleep and in the morning when I wake up. I put down how my day went and what feelings I am having and then my fears, hopes and goals for the day. This has made a huge difference for me. I also learned the hard way that people will not always respond to you the way you would like or need them too.

I did not tell a lot of people about the pregnancy as I was well aware of the miscarriage rate before the 2nd trimester. But because we were so close to the 2nd tri, I started to share the news with close friends and family. When the pregnancy ended I never felt more alone in my life. My best friend asked me to dinner the evening of my D&C. I was in shock. I had just talked to her a few hours before the procedure and she really thought I'd want to go out, in public and have dinner... I mean... seriously?

I hope things get better for you. And ya know what I say about crappy people? F em. What do they know anyway??

T&P

This is so true. Even my DH says the wrong things some days. We cannot expect too much from everyone else. They just don't get it.

LaTi07 · April 2011

:Hugs: I'm sorry hun.

I think that is the hardest part about having an early loss. You are grieving a child that never existed to the rest of the world. You don't get a grave to cry at. You don't get an urn to hold close to your heart. You only get the few memories you had and if you were lucky a couple u/s photos. Having an early loss is like having a silent funeral. You are alone in your grief while the rest of the world looks at you like you've lost your mind. Does it make someone fell better when they lose an elderly family member to say "Hey, at least they had a long life." NO, it doesn't take away any of the pain. No matter how long, or how little someone lived, the fact is they LIVED. They were a person and now they are gone and the world will never be the same. To us, these were our children. These were our heart and our soul and they were taken before we ever had the chance to hold them and kiss them and tell them how much we loved them.

Unfortunately people will never understand your grief if they've never been through it. And you know what, I hope they never understand because then at least they will never have had to go through this h*ll.

1220winterbride · April 2011

LaTi07:

:Hugs: I'm sorry hun.

I think that is the hardest part about having an early loss. You are grieving a child that never existed to the rest of the world. You don't get a grave to cry at. You don't get an urn to hold close to your heart. You only get the few memories you had and if you were lucky a couple u/s photos. Having an early loss is like having a silent funeral. You are alone in your grief while the rest of the world looks at you like you've lost your mind. Does it make someone fell better when they lose an elderly family member to say "Hey, at least they had a long life." NO, it doesn't take away any of the pain. No matter how long, or how little someone lived, the fact is they LIVED. They were a person and now they are gone and the world will never be the same. To us, these were our children. These were our heart and our soul and they were taken before we ever had the chance to hold them and kiss them and tell them how much we loved them.

Unfortunately people will never understand your grief if they've never been through it. And you know what, I hope they never understand because then at least they will never have had to go through this h*ll.

so sad but so very true.

TnG05 · April 2011

I'm sorry you're going through this and dealing with insensitive people. Personally, I wouldn't talk to your sister about it anymore because she's not the least bit sensitive to all of this. I use this board (whether I'm lurking or posting) to keep my going and I journal or doodle to help get me through.

BIG HUG to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Mermaid1979 · April 2011

Thanks for your support, ladies-- it helps me so much to have people who understand what I'm going through. It's such a relief to not have to explain myself and not have to *justify* that the upset I'm feeling is valid. I appreciate your kind thoughts during what has been one of the hardest weeks of my entire life.

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Lack of sympathy from my sister-- feel so terrible all over again. :-(

Re: Lack of sympathy from my sister-- feel so terrible all over again. :-(

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