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July 2011 Moms
JessandIgli
member
Who doesn't want to be like their mom?
JessandIgli
member
I love my mom dearly, but there are some aspects of her mothering that I would rather not inherit. For example, growing up, she was extremely overprotective of my sisters and I. This, and other issues she had, I know were due to her bipolar disorder. So, I do have a good chance of not inheriting her bad traits, but I still worry. Is your mom your absolute role model of a perfect mom or are there some things you will do differently?
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Re: Who doesn't want to be like their mom?
Honestly, I would love it if I could be like my mom. There were things I thought were annoying about her growing up, but now I realize how awesome she is.
It's funny too because I've started to sound a lot like her when I'm interacting with DS. I'll tell him to do something and he'll say "No." and I'll say, "Hm. Well, that wasn't a request." and my mom ALWAYS used to say that. It's weird to hear myself. lol.
I don't think any mother is/was a perfect parent. I think my mom is a great parent, and there are many aspects of raising us that I want to continue on with my children. However, there are also many things I don't want to carry on, not necessarily because they are bad things, but because they are not my style.
For instance, my mom also was very over protective of me and my siblings. She is also very strong willed and knew exactly what she wanted for us in life. When my sister and I didn't follow in the path she wanted us to (i.e., she wanted me to be a doctor and I became an editor; similar situation with my sister), it was very difficult sometimes. I want my children to feel my support in everything they do.
I think it's good you are aware of her shortcomings and the fact that you are aware of them and making a concious effort to be different will result in exactly that. Obviously with the bipolar thing that is totally out of your control, but it sounds like you well educated in it, so you should do fine
To answer your question tho, my mom is awesome, I love her to death and really look to her for guidance. As for my MIL DH and I plan on raising our child NOTHING like she raised him, she acknowledges she was in over her head (she has depression and I swear is bipolar altho it's never been diagnosed) and blatantly favored (and still does favor) his sister over him to this day.
My mom was is very overprotective and untrusting of people ( even family ) Her and my Dad were polar opposites on a lot of things. It made for a frustrating childhood. They even had a seperate set of rules for me and my younger brother. He was allowed to do a lot more just because he was a boy.
DH and I have talked about this and strive to be on the same page with our children. We also want them to be able to come to us with issues. Our parents would fly off the handle over small things. He and I have talked about how we were afraid to tell them things if we needed help.
ITA. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was bashing my mom, because I love her and there are some aspects of her parenting that I hope to continue with my kids. However, she was sometimes very hard to live with growing up and I know I can do better with my kids.
I think part of my success in being a good mom is doing the exact oppositve of my mom. I love my mom, and it wasn't her fault for the most part. She was severely depressed. I just wish she would have had someone step in when she was unable to function.
I look at my children and they are CHILDREN to me. I was raising myself at their age and I'm so thankful they don't have to. I was home alone from 7 on, cooking my own meals, waking myself up in the mornings to make sure I caught the bus. Things my children won't be doing until they're no longer children but teenagers able to take on more responsibilities.
My mom once grounded me from everything - radio, tv, phone, going to friends houses, playing outside, reading books.
Seriously. Books!
They sound a lot like my parents. Mom and dad were polar opposites too. I am the oldest of three girls. My mom was overprotective of me up until I was about 22. (Lived at home during college and moved out at 24). Yeah I know part of it was my fault for not moving out sooner..but at least it was a money saver! Anyway, my youngest sister is now 16 and can do whatever the hell she wants. It angers me to no end. It's like my parents couldn't find a happy medium! So even though it's kind of different, I see what you are saying about your brother getting different rules than you.
Oh, I wasn't trying to insinuate that you were bashing your mom! Your post didn't come off that way at all. I think wanting to make sure your child's life is better than what you had (in any aspect) makes you an awesome mom.
This is an odd to answer question for me. My Mom is one of the most loving mother's that I have ever known. She would absolutely move heaven and earth for her children. She has always been a source of encouragement and has been a faithful example of a Christian wife and mother.
However, my Mom has been a victim her whole life and to some extent I think she still believes she is one to this day. My Grandpa was abusive, my Dad had several affairs and was abusive. She lost her first born at 18 months due to complications from L&D and a negligent OB. These situations still make there way into daily conversation and directly influenced how I was raised and how I interact with my Mom. She also has no self-esteem.
So while I would love to emulate the examples I first listed of my mother, I can not say that I actually want to be like her because the second list has shaped how I view my Mom so much more.
I don't want to be like my mom.
First, I won't leave my children when they're 7 and 4 and then later in life claim "Well, I was there for the important years." or "I did a good job of raising the two of you." Yes, we lived with dad 90% of the time, saw her every other weekend, but I guess she did a good job raising us. She's a moron.
My mom is also a negative-nancy and isn't always a cheerleader (if she ever is) when we've done things in our life. I started karate when I was 14 and all she would ever say was "You're going to end up in a wheelchair by the time you're 30 with all that stuff." or "Why do you want to do a sport like that? It's not a girls sport." Her idea of exercise/sports for girls is pretty much next to nothing. When I flunked out of college the first go round and then started back at community, after a couple years there I got into a University near my apartment. Her words to me were "Why are you bothering? I never saw you with a college degree, do you think you can actually do it?" She's just a rude person and not very supportive in anything I've done. Then again, when my SIL was pregnant, my mom said that she only wanted her to have boys because "boys are more fun than girls." Thanks mom, I'm glad I wasn't any fun for you the whole 4 whopping years you were around.
She is also the reason I didn't participate in Mother/Daughter girl scout trips (she'd want to go to bed at 8 and didn't like to socialize with the other mom's... so I had to go to bed at 8). This led to my troop leader getting approval from the GS Assoc for a Parent/Daughter trip so I could take my dad... he brought a cooler of beer, they loved him!!!
Me too! She loved to tell my English teachers to see their reaction. Like any kid I didn't like being grounded, but I didn't mind it when I got to read, so she started grounding me from those too!
I think my mom was great when I was a kid- she took us to do alot of fun things, except we missed out on big stuff like trick-or-treating (she had two sets of kids- my older sibling are old enough to be my parents, so think she was just over it by the time I came along). She was also really involved in my school and church groups. Ever since I was in high school she hasn't really been involved in my life. She never visited me on college, wasn't involved in my wedding, etc.
One thing that has always bothered me, and I will definitely not be doing with my kids, is that it was always obvious that my sister was more important to her. She is a year older, so she was always the first to do something, and got all of the praise for it. When I would do it, it wasn't impressive b/c my sister already did it. There were a few times when I was actually scolded for doing better than her, because we "didn't want to hurt her feelings". My mom still to this day will brag to no end about all of her children but me. I stopped telling her about anything going on in my life after the first time my work was published in a book. When I showed it to her she said "why am I looking at this?" and then went on the brag about my oldest sister starting a business (which I knew about as I had designed her logo, cards, website, etc., and that was all she had done so far- the things I did!)
My mom was a pretty good mom, but there are a few things that she does that I don't want to do.
Passive agressive behavior. As a teenager, if we would get into a fight (I wanted to go someplace, she didn't want me to), a few times she got sick of fighting and would say "Fine, do whatever you want", expecting that I would be guilted into NOT doing it (it never worked).
Also, my parents views on pre-martial sex were kinda stone-age. I want my kids to feel comfortable coming to us to talk about protection.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
My mom was/is unconditionally loving and supportive, and she's also very good at showing affection. I want to share those traits.
However... my mom is lazy. :-/ She literally never cooked. She would just fix herself a sandwich or whatever, or stay upstairs sewing all night, and my little brother & I would fend for ourselves. It wasn't terrible; we always had canned soup or macaroni or something that we could make, but I think we could have eaten a lot healthier if she had cooked!! (BTW, my dad cooked when he was home, but he had a job with an unpredictable schedule.)
I've mentioned this on here before, but my mom also NEVER talked to us about sex, even when she thought I was having unprotected sex in high school!! She would have rather had a disaster happen than talk to me about it. I definitely won't be that way with my kids.
Jess & Adam, married 2009, precious Audrey born in 2011. BFP 1/6/13, 6-wk MMC discovered at 9 wks 2/11/13. D&C 2/18/13, second D&C 4/23/13 for retained placenta.
BFP 8/24/13!! EDD 5/1/14, delivered healthy and sweet Zoey Leanne on 5/5/14 by repeat c-section.
*raises hand*
She is ultra critical, worries too much and is over dramatic and has high expectations. She is good at giving me guilt trips, she just can't be pleased. I grew up trying to be perfect and please her and it was never enough. I wish I didn't have to battle with her still, I'm nearly 30 for god's sake.