my selfish whiney post

JakesBride07 · April 2011

Tomorrow 4/7 is our 4th wedding anniversary. I told DH all I wanted was to be holding out babies at midnight and a picture of the four of us. Well its 11:48 , DH is holding our son (kangaroo care) and the nurse said she isn't ready to get our daughter out yet. I reminded DH that when it was time to hold them ask that they be wrapped in blankets. So why they hell did be tell the nurse he wanted to kangaroo. Our son has gotten to the point that he hates kangaroo care, so this is going to last all of 5 minutes, plus he is going to be bound to have episodes because DH is holding his feed and again he doesn't do well being held like that during feedings. I am so upset (and probably over reacting) but my feelings are hurt nonetheless.

DH has been so rude all evening. And I feel like its unfair for him to just do what he wants. I realize he has to work to support us but he is not here to see or know what's best and what doesn't work. Right now I feel like I know them better.

krwys10 · April 2011

Eeek!

Iam sorry that you are feeling this way! I hope that you end up having a better anniversary than how it started...

But I just want to caution you on some of the things you stated bc I had felt some of the same way on our twins when they were in the NICU and DH was working. It ended up that we were having a ton of arguments bc I thought I knew best bc I was always there, but they are the father too. My suggestion is that if it gets to the point where he continues to do things that you think are not best for your babies, maybe you can ask the nurse to suggest things, that way it saves you two the arguments? Good Luck, I hope you babies will be out soon!

Lilystar82 · April 2011

One of the hardest things about having your babies in the NICU is the sheer lack of control. You have no control over what happens, there is no magic wand or fix, and you just have to do the best you can for your babies everyday. I found that because of the lack of control over the big things, I tried to control all the little things. Including DH. I felt the same way, I was there all day long while he was working, and I knew everything. I would constantly tell him which way to do things. This came to a head one day when he basically looked at me with tears in his eyes and said " I love you but they are my babies too Lil. They need me as much as they need you. And I need you to support me and stop talking down to me. I know you are stressed, but enough Lil." I cried, and I realized, I couldnt control everything. That was ok - sometimes you have to just ride the waves as hard as it is. And honestly, once DH started doing things his way - they sometimes worked better.

(((hugs))) - this journey isnt easy. Happy Anniversary

kaylaaimee · April 2011

ITA w/the previous posters.

I am with Scarlette ALL day and my husband doesn't get very much time w/her due to his work schedule. At one point I had to stop doing kangaroo care b/c she was not allowed to eat and it frustrated her to be on my skin, she'd just root and root. I thought she'd have a problem with my husband holding her that way but she didn't at all w/him. So sometimes things really are different than you think they'll be.

Also, I know that it's tempting to tell him what to do all the time b/c you spend so much time w/them. But he needs to be able to form his own bond with her and honestly? He's going to resent you if you tell him he's wrong all of the time. This is a hard time and you want to be closer as a couple during it, not further away. I know it's tough- I bite my tongue a LOT b/c I know Scarlette likes certain things but I didn't just "know" those- I had to learn her and I need to give DH time to learn her as well. And sometimes she would cry and he'd ask me what I thought was wrong and that gave me the opportunity to say something like "Well, I've noticed sometimes she likes being a little more upright when I hold her, maybe try that." Now, I know she likes it and that will fix things but I think if I were to just be like "You're holding her wrong" that would make him feel badly. I also mention to the nurse things I'd like her to help with. Like, DH was TERRIFIED to hold Scarlette - he'd never held ANY baby, let alone one under 2lbs! I finally talked to the nurse and she just came in one day and said "Dad, you're holding today, let's get you all settled" and sort of told him what to do and stuff so that I didn't have to do it and make him feel bad. Now, obviously if he was doing something that was hurting the baby speak up, but as far as everything else, he has to learn to parent too.

And I'm going to try to say this as gently as I can b/c I know you're going through a lot. But really, it sounds like you kind of made things more difficult than they needed to be. I think it might help you to simplify your expectations a little bit. If what you wanted was a family picture on your anniversary, I think saying "when the babies are both ready for a picture, I'd like to get one of the four of us today." Sometimes having less expectations helps, b/c that way you're not stressed out if the babies aren't ready for a photo at midnight or if your husband wants to cuddle with one of them a little longer before you take it.

I HTH some, we've been at this a long time and one thing I've learned is that flexibility really helps ease a lot of the stress.

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