Remind me that I cant change him.....

Crystal318 · April 2011

Long story short (Well, as short as possible).

My FI is a prescripton pill drug addict. I gave him an ultimatum a few weeks ago to get clean by a certain date or get out. He went to a clinic and got meds to help him detox. They also prescibed him Lexapro and Valium. Well, I watched him detox (and almost die) for about three days straight (for about the fifth time in the past eight months). Then he was "sober" for about a week and last night we went to dinner with my dad and sister and our son. On the way home I noticed that his eyes looked a little glassy but thought nothing of it because the pollen is soooo bad! Then at the stop sign right before our house, I looked over and his head was nodding off. I questioned him and he said that he took three Valiums. By that time we were home (or else I would have had him pull over). Anyways, when we got home he pretty much told me that he was not going to lose his family over drugs and that if I kicked him out he didnt know how he would handle it (implying that he would take his own life). He was ready to leave to blow off some steam and I begged him not to drive. It was pouring rain and by this time the valiums were really kicking in and he could barely hold a conversation or sit up without falling asleep. I was scared he would drive away and get into an accident and hurt himself or someone else. Instead of going for a drive he went for a walk in the pouring rain but before he left he said bye to LO who was sleeping. He went over to his crib and put his hand on him and kissed him so softly and then stared at him like it was the last time he was ever going to see. I really thought he was going to go OD somewhere in a gutter.

This is the really short version of the story.

I emailed him today (I am at work) and I told him that I cant do this anymore and that I need to protect our son. I told him that he cant live with us anymore.

Please help me be strong. Please remind me that I cant change him.

I am just so scared that he will kill himself. I dont think he would do it on purpose but I think that he might take one too many pills. I know that he is killing himself slowly anyways but its like I want to save him so that my son has his father. Its like I want to fix him and make him better so our son can look up to his dad. I know I cant change him but please drill this into my head because sometimes I try to hold onto to that one tiny little string of hope.....

TIA!

Unknown · April 2011

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achase123 · April 2011

You need to read "Codependent No More" you are the definition of an enabler. And go to Al Anon, and get individual therapy. You are as sick as he is. His addiction has become your problem and it rules your life. Is this really how you want to live?

You already know the answer: you cannot change him. His actions will be because of HIS choices. If he kills himself or ODs, that is not your fault. Remember, addicts are incredibly manipulative. You are being manipulated by him. Cut off contact, otherwise I am 150% sure you'll be back with him within a week. Beef up your support system. Make them hold you accountable. Stay strong and don't go back to that situation.

haleyw458 · April 2011

X has never been an addict, but he used to say the EXACT same stuff to me when I would try and end things with him. I was only in high school, I was scared, and always ended up falling for it. I actually caught him at one point with a gun to his head, loaded, and the safety was off.

Looking back now, I realize that it was all just a game to him. He knew this was my weakness and he used it against me. You need to realize that you're enabling him to do this.

You can't change him. He has to be willing to change himself or he will just continue to do the drugs. achase is definitely one of the best ones to talk to about this.

Do not hide this stuff from your friends/family. I did, and now I wish I hadn't, because they would have been able to help me stay away from X. We didn't have a child together yet, but you guys do. You need to think about you and your LO's safety and leave.

JKTTC1 · April 2011

So sorry you are going thru this. I've been in your exact shoes except my husband and I didn't have any kids yet. He's an RN in the ER. He was working night shifts in a trauma unit. He was the only with a job and I was finishing college. He first began with beer and then started using prescrip. Drugs that he worked with. It turned into a long ordeal and finally after realizing something just wasn't right...and blood work....he was caught. Sent him to a 3 month rehab place that was 3 hours away. I didn't talk to him for a while, and thought he was doing better. He wasn't. He came home over thanksgiving and drank before going back to rehab. He had to stay longer. Once he got home for good after 14 weeks there, he kept sneaking beer. He was doing outpatient classes and got caught. His only choice was to go to a half way house for 6 months in order to keep his license. It was an hour away. I laid everything out and said I was going to leave him if he dint straighten up. Nothing you can say or hold against them to have them clear up. He stayed there for 6 months and this is where he really cleaned up finally. I went to see him every other weekend and we mended our relationship. I would've NEVER thought we would be where we are now...still married, best relationship (still earning back trust after 2 years), and now expecting our first baby! I know it's hard but protect yourself and that child. Take him to a drug rehab and drop him off if you are committed to seeing him get better. It's a long, expensive road. We had $40,000 in this but we were committed to each other and didn't give up! Wishing you the best!!

kmartinez80 · April 2011

You can't change him and you can't save him. Only he can do those things. Do not let him manipulate you into staying. You need to take care of you and your LO. Also, you need to get yourself some help (as achase suggested). Good luck!