Ok ladies in limbo

achase123 · April 2011

I wrote another blog post with you all in mind.

"Too Good to Leave: Too Bad to Stay". I hope it hits home for those of you who need to make a tough decision (I'm talking to you, in particular, Strawberry).

CowboysWife04 · April 2011

I'm not one in limbo but wanted to tell you I appreciated your post today. Although my STBXH wasn't addicted to drugs, the manipulative behavior you were writing about is all too familiar. It's nice to know someone else has gone through all of the mind games and managed to survive.

Starbuck5 · April 2011

*Like*

achase123 · April 2011

CowboysWife04:
I'm not one in limbo but wanted to tell you I appreciated your post today. Although my STBXH wasn't addicted to drugs, the manipulative behavior you were writing about is all too familiar. It's nice to know someone else has gone through all of the mind games and managed to survive.

Thank you!

Mrs.Keith2B · April 2011

Yes

Limbo is a very difficult place to be in. But, once you've made the decision to get out, it's so freeing and empowering.

STLamy · April 2011

That was a really good post achase. Part of my reason for being in limbo was the "nice gestures" I got after a fight. I rationalized it by saying, how can I want to leave when he's so nice! I am starting to think that this is not the case, it's just a destructive cycle that will continue until I break it. I actually read the first half of "Too Good to Leave, Too bad to Stay" (I ran out of time and had to return it to the library but I have another hold on it so I can finish it later) and it is a really great book. It is very straightforward and I would recommend it to anyone in limbo. (Read it Strawberry, I think it might help you clarify things.)

rosekk · April 2011

i have posted on here a couple times but mostly i just lurk but I read your blog and It really made me think. I read the one under it and I almost cried. I have been struggling with being a single mom lately since things went south with DDs father and I realized how unhealthy my relationship was. but its nice to know other women are out there doing the same thing and being successful at it. thank you

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2011

Wow. Thank you so much for thinking of me (and the many others in my situation). I went to bed with DS last night because I was so exhausted emotionally and physically. I didn't even plug my phone in or change into PJs or take my hair tie out. Ugh. It's almost 6am and I'm headed to work where I can sit down with a coffee and read this. I'm really lookin forward to it. Thanks so much!

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2011

Achase, that was the first time I'd read your blog and I think I may read the entire thing. You voiced my relationship. Except for one major difference: everyone was cheering me on to date DH. He was a nice guy (and he is). Where your XH was angry and cruel, DH is overly agreeable. He has no opinions. No motivation. No goals. No joie de vivre. He's so smooth with his drinking and he's a happy drunk so people don't know how deep his issues are. As much as he has social anxiety, he's great with people. So our first date/s were fun and he made me feel good about myself. While I was not rebounding when we started dating, I had recently ended a very toxic relationship with a guy who always made me feel like an idiot. DH always made me feel smart and funny and never criticized me - at all. I thought that was a good thing. Now I'm seeing that we should have had healthy conversations all along about things that bothered or confused us so that we could build our relationship.

Here are some quotes from your blog that really struck a chord with me:

Relationships, particularly in the beginning, should not be that difficult. - I think I thought I could "fix" him.

A discussion about where to go to dinner would turn into a power struggle. -OMG yes. I thought I was the only one. How ridiculous.

I would have thought D was out of his mind if, the first time I had met him, he had swore at me - I have never once sworn at DH but, in arguements, he certainly has called me a b*tch and told me I acted like an a*shole (towards MIL, who I cannot stand, so it was probably true but I've never ever sworn at him)

things went more smoothly when I bit my tongue Yup. Disagreements go downhill quickly. That's why I wrote that letter. That was 5 years of things I had wanted to say to him but knew I could not.

There is a fine line that exists between contemplating leaving, and actually going through with it This! So true!! It's so easy for others to say but there's an addiction there for me, too. That's my husband. I know I know. He's not acting like one and I have to think of DS. It's just that it's really hard to know for sure that you've done every little thing you could possibly do.

When I thought about it, I knew that things were not right between us. I knew that our marriage wasn't healthy. So true. You should be able to talk to your husband.

I knew that my husband did not treat me well. This is the hard one. The words were there - the loving text messages at work, the jokes, the smiles, the fun times. What took me forever to realize was that if I can't count on DH to pay the electric bill, to finish installing the kitchen sink after 7 months, to not get drunk on Halloween and pass out leaving me to entertain his family, to not get drunk every day of our Honeymoon and our wedding night, to actually go through with anything that he promised to do....then he is not treating me well.

Thank you so much for posting this. I am going to definitely follow your blog. You jumped right in and gave me the most sincere and helpful advice from my very first post. Knowing that someone on the other side of the computer screen genuinely cares more about DS's and my happiness than my husband does is....sobering. Excuse the pun. Thanks again!

achase123 · April 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:

Achase, that was the first time I'd read your blog and I think I may read the entire thing. You voiced my relationship. Except for one major difference: everyone was cheering me on to date DH. He was a nice guy (and he is). Where your XH was angry and cruel, DH is overly agreeable. He has no opinions. No motivation. No goals. No joie de vivre. He's so smooth with his drinking and he's a happy drunk so people don't know how deep his issues are. As much as he has social anxiety, he's great with people. So our first date/s were fun and he made me feel good about myself. While I was not rebounding when we started dating, I had recently ended a very toxic relationship with a guy who always made me feel like an idiot. DH always made me feel smart and funny and never criticized me - at all. I thought that was a good thing. Now I'm seeing that we should have had healthy conversations all along about things that bothered or confused us so that we could build our relationship.

Here are some quotes from your blog that really struck a chord with me:

Relationships, particularly in the beginning, should not be that difficult. - I think I thought I could "fix" him.

A discussion about where to go to dinner would turn into a power struggle. -OMG yes. I thought I was the only one. How ridiculous.

I would have thought D was out of his mind if, the first time I had met him, he had swore at me - I have never once sworn at DH but, in arguements, he certainly has called me a b*tch and told me I acted like an a*shole (towards MIL, who I cannot stand, so it was probably true but I've never ever sworn at him)

things went more smoothly when I bit my tongue Yup. Disagreements go downhill quickly. That's why I wrote that letter. That was 5 years of things I had wanted to say to him but knew I could not.

There is a fine line that exists between contemplating leaving, and actually going through with it This! So true!! It's so easy for others to say but there's an addiction there for me, too. That's my husband. I know I know. He's not acting like one and I have to think of DS. It's just that it's really hard to know for sure that you've done every little thing you could possibly do.

When I thought about it, I knew that things were not right between us. I knew that our marriage wasn't healthy. So true. You should be able to talk to your husband.

I knew that my husband did not treat me well. This is the hard one. The words were there - the loving text messages at work, the jokes, the smiles, the fun times. What took me forever to realize was that if I can't count on DH to pay the electric bill, to finish installing the kitchen sink after 7 months, to not get drunk on Halloween and pass out leaving me to entertain his family, to not get drunk every day of our Honeymoon and our wedding night, to actually go through with anything that he promised to do....then he is not treating me well.

Thank you so much for posting this. I am going to definitely follow your blog. You jumped right in and gave me the most sincere and helpful advice from my very first post. Knowing that someone on the other side of the computer screen genuinely cares more about DS's and my happiness than my husband does is....sobering. Excuse the pun. Thanks again!

I am so very glad that it hit home for you. That was my intent of getting my story out there was to hopefully resonate with people. I try to write as "real" and "in the moment" as I can, that way others can realize that they aren't the only one.

If I have learned anything from my situation it's that you have to trust your gut. I am especially referring to this:

"I knew that my husband did not treat me well. This is the hard one. The words were there - the loving text messages at work, the jokes, the smiles, the fun times. What took me forever to realize was that if I can't count on DH to pay the electric bill, to finish installing the kitchen sink after 7 months, to not get drunk on Halloween and pass out leaving me to entertain his family, to not get drunk every day of our Honeymoon and our wedding night, to actually go through with anything that he promised to do....then he is not treating me well."

So many times we listen to words and what someone is SAYING but not what they are DOING and how it makes us feel. I always felt "off" about XH but couldn't put my finger on it. Or, he would do something that upset me and I tried to voice it to him but he would tell me that I was crazy and so I pushed my own feelings aside and just listened to him.

This is also great advice for LIFE. I know you are nowhere near ready to date yet, but it's something that I saw with the last guy I dated. I couldn't explain it, but towards the end he made me feel insecure and unsure of myself. This is not my typical nature. Everytime since we split and I have seen him, I feel this way. He will say things to me like "you are gorgeous" or other implied compliments but for some reason the way he makes me FEEL is not good.

Go with your gut, it will never lead you wrong. I promise.

susanc07 · April 2011

achase123:

So many times we listen to words and what someone is SAYING but not what they are DOING and how it makes us feel.

Go with your gut, it will never lead you wrong. I promise.

amen.

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2011

susanc07:
achase123:

So many times we listen to words and what someone is SAYING but not what they are DOING and how it makes us feel.

Go with your gut, it will never lead you wrong. I promise.

amen.

Haha. These are the exact segments I was just about to quote and give a Yes . You're so right. When you said that you knew all along, deep inside, that it was wrong, I completely knew what you meant. And yet we married them anyway. Weird. I'll never criticize a woman for staying with the wrong man or marrying the wrong man. It's such a strange thing but I know how it feels to do it. I know in my heart this was over before it started. I'm not proud of him and I'm losing respect for him. I need to let him go so we can both find someone who is proud of and respects us.

SUNKISSD3 · April 2011

Mrs.Keith2B:
Limbo is a very difficult place to be in. But, once you've made the decision to get out, it's so freeing and empowering.

I totally agree with this

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