- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Trying to Get Pregnant
Too much to think about & don't want to be selfish
Me & husband got married in October, we are both 33. My sister and her husband got married three years ago and have been TTC since. My sis has had two miscarriages and is now going through fertility. She cries a lot and is overally not herself and very depressed about all of this. Me and husband do essentially feel ready and we want to seriously start trying but...what if I get pg before my older sis? How the heck do I handle this w/out breaking her heart? I feel that I'm sort of "wrong" for wanting to get pg knowing that she is trying hard and much, much longer. She is 39 so, it is harder for her in general. I just don't want to put my life on "hold" but, on the other hand, I don't want to hurt her. And the other thing is..what if I wait? Then I can possibly be in the same position that she is. That's why I'm not 100% if we are ready? Any help/input will be appreciated. When I talk to DH about this, he is basically like "that's not our problem, that's hers", but not so rudely. Obvioulsy he can't related because 1) he's a man; and 2) is not close w/ his family but, that's besides the point. My friends tell me that I'll figure out how to address it with my sister when that time comes and she'll understand.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Too much to think about & don't want to be selfish
I think you should try to get pregnant when it works for you and your H and not let your sister's TTC timeline have an effect. If she seems down or upset if you get pregnant, be patient with her. Focus on teh fact that she is getting a niece/nephew and that she will be an integral part of the upbringing.
I think you should try to get pregnant when it works for you and your H and not let your sister's TTC timeline have an effect. If she seems down or upset if you get pregnant, be patient with her. Focus on teh fact that she is getting a niece/nephew and that she will be an integral part of the upbringing.
I agree, you cant put your life on hold becauee of other peoples issues, but with that said you need to be respectful of her feelings (if you have/ want a good relationship with her)
Have you tried talking to your sister? mentioning that you are ready to start trying? not knowing your sister i cant guage if she'd be open to this type of conversation, but at least if you put it out there it might make it easier to make a decision...
Good Luck!
Have you talked to your sister about this? I would recommend doing it before you start everything and not after you are pregnant. I have a friend who is older than me and has not been able to get pregnant for years now, but I told her that I would warn her when I was going to start trying and then let her know when I was pregnant before making an announcement to our other friends so it didn't come as an unexpected surprise. Because this is your sister, I would recommend that you keep showers and such lowkey when the time comes. You should still be able to celebrate because it will be something to enjoy and celebrate, but discuss everything in length with your sister. If she says to go ahead and she will deal with it, then go ahead and let her try to deal with it when the time comes.
GL to you and your sister!!
Although not at the same stage as your sister, I have run into my share of issues (see siggy), and I have a sister who is 5 years younger than me and is a newlywed. If she were to get KU before me, I would be a bit sad for myself because I want a child more than anything, but more importantly I would be incredibly excited to have a new neice or nephew. My sister knows what I have been through, and I would never ask her to base her important life decisions on my experiences.
Edited for spelling
All you can do is support your sister. If she loves you, she'll be happy for you if you get pregnant.
I wouldn't say anything about TTC until you are either pregnant or wanting to turn to her for advice months down the TTC road.
I really, really don't think that you should put TTC on hold in the hopes that your sister will get pregnant before you do. What if she's never able to get pregnant? (I seriously hope she can, I'm just saying, worst case scenario...) Would you be happy never having children if she couldn't either? It's sweet of you to be concerned about her, but really it's unrealistic to not try to have a child until everyone else you know and love is able to have one. Your husband is right, and it has nothing to do with him being a man or not being close to family.
Good luck to both you and your sister!
I would talk to your sister about the whole situation...before you are pregnant, not after. Our best friends just told us they were pregnant with their 2nd a few weeks ago. They claimed they weren't trying, but they have let comments slip that would lead to me to think differently. I have gotten the feeling they didn't want to tell us because they knew we have ran into a few problems. That actually made me feel worse than if they would have just told us what was going on with them.
Of course, if you don't want people to know you are trying than this may not be the best advice, but if you are okay with her knowing ahead of time, I would talk to her.
When you and your H decide to TTC should be entirely determined by the two of you, not your sister. Definitely support her and be there for her, but I really don't think that putting your future family on hold for her would make her feel anything but worse. Plus, talk about pressure. There would suddenly be WAY more pressure for her to get pregnant, not just for her own family, but because you starting a family would depend on HER getting pregnant. That's not a good position to be put in.
I would talk to her. It's not the same thing, but I got married before my older sister (twice now, actually) and a couple years ago while we were taking a walk I asked her how she felt about that. I told her that sometimes it made me sad just because as kids I always pictured her doing everything first, and now it's me and it felt weird. She told me that sometimes she thinks about it and it can make her a little sad, but that she never resented me for living my life on my own schedule. Hopefully you and your sister can talk to each other and you can let her know how much you love her and pray that she has a baby soon. I am willing to bet that she doesn't want you to put your life on hold for her.
I'm in your shoes, so I feel your pain. My sister went through 2 miscarriages over the past 2 years and my husband and I are TTC now. Every cycle, I have to tell myself that life must go on. I can't put my life on hold for someone else no matter what. It could take us years to get pregnant, so the more time I try to "wait" for them to get pregnant, the longer it will be until I am pregnant. I had a very honest talk with my sister and told her how guilty I was feeling, and she was so mortified that I would even think to feel that way! She is completely supportive of us TTC and would be excited for us if it happened. I suggest you do the same...you never know unless you approach the topic with your own sister. People will suprise you with the amount of love and caring they can provide you with.
Good luck!
My situation is no where close to yours, but the same basic advice I received might apply well to your situation, even with it being your sister.
You shouldn't live or plan your life around what may or may not happen. (in your case, planning your TTC around someone else's TTC)
Easier said than done, but I agree with PP it may help to just talk to your sister and discuss all of your thoughts, ideas, plans, and fears. I just don't want for you to regret anything, including waiting too long to start TTC. GL - I hope this works out for both you and your sister!!
CD3 & 7DPO B/W Normal except TSH - Low
Dx Autoimmune Thyroid Disease - 8/2011
My little sister(she's 25) has what her doctor said was the worst case of endo he'd ever seen and after 7 surgeries and the removal of 1 ovary, the 2nd one stopped functioning, basically putting her body through menepause...at 25. When my husband and I decided to start TTC I didn't know how to handle everything with her, my heart bled for her, it still does. But she flat out told me despite what she is going through, has gone through, will go through she doesn't want me to change my life, that would make her upset. She said she's going to be thrilled when she's an aunty and happy as can be for me and that she wants to be part of the whole journey. She said leaving her out of anything is what would make her upset. She's one tough cookie, and I'm damn lucky to have her as a sister.
I bet your sister feels similar, she's your sister she'll be happy for you when it happens.
Married my best friend 5/2/2008
TTC our first miracle since November 2010
BFP 3/16/2011 Chemical Pregnancy 3/20/2011
I think this was directed at me?
Thank you, I hope the same for your sister and you as well!
My doctor is having me take 1 cycle off, and then have an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay. My appt for that is 3 weeks from today...it can't come fast enough...I'm nervous but anxious to try again.
Married my best friend 5/2/2008
TTC our first miracle since November 2010
BFP 3/16/2011 Chemical Pregnancy 3/20/2011
It does sound harsh, but your husband is right. It's not your problem or your fault that she's having a hard time conceiving. You are going to have to be very sensitive with your sister. It probably will be difficult for her to digest and she may need some time to come to terms with her feelings. That doesn't mean she's any less happy for you, but it's going to be one more person she sees getting what she wants so badly, and it'll probably be more painful that it's her sister getting what she's been trying for.
Honestly, I think it might be better to confide in her that you want to try to start a family. I think if it were me, I'd want to know it was coming rather than be caught off guard.
P/SAIF Welcome
Invisible Finish Line
3T's Traveling Ovary Blog
7DPO Progesterone: low. CD3 BW: normal, HSG: clear
DX: severe MFI (low all 3) and low T. Undergoing replacement therapy.
You are sweet for putting your sisters thoughts and feelings into consideration. I think you and your sister need to sit down and talk about it. Be there for each other thru it. The more communication you two have with this issue things will be easier.
Everyone women is different and goes thru this process totally different and she/you cant compare the experience. I wish you the best of luck and hope your sister feels appreciated that you thought about her thru this.
My sister was in the same situation. She is 5 years older than I am and had been TTC for 5 years when I got married to DH. We decided to start TTC right away because of all the problems she had been having. We got pregnant 2 weeks after our wedding. I was worried about telling my sister because I knew that it would be bittersweet for her. I told her in person alone before telling the rest of the family which gave us both time to process it together. She was sad but also very happy. Luckily enough she was able to get pregnant 4 months later through IVF and now we have kids that are 4 months apart! It is important that you just respect her feelings about the situation but you and DH need to make your family on your time....not someone else's.