When are you a mother?

lily87 · April 2011

Ok, so apparently this is the day for great comments from people...

My sister told me today that I am not a mother until the baby is born, and that the baby is a fetus until it is born and not a baby. (Apparently the baby is just cells- according to her. I said the same could be said of her now).

I kind of went bs on her, because I feel my baby is a baby. He/she looks like a baby, kicks like a baby, now has eyelashes and toe nails. How is this not a baby at this point?

Also, personally, I feel like I am already a mother. Why does my baby have to be here to be a mother? I already make choices for my baby's welfare. I take care of myself which is taking care of the baby, as best as I can.

I was just curious what others thought about this. Do you think your baby is a baby and that you are a mother now? or at birth?

Also, if this is what someone thinks...why would they call up a pg lady and say this? wtf already. I am not answering the phone for my family anymore, lol.

jgiles · April 2011

I agree with you completely! My baby is a baby not a fetus and absolutely we are mother's!!

Amanda&EricB · April 2011

I think you responded appropriately. I can't imagine WHY she would say this to you. I believe you are a mother when you get pregnant, for all the reasons you listed.

sw_wedding · April 2011

lily87:
(Apparently the baby is just cells- according to her. I said the same could be said of her now).

I agree with you, and I like your response to her!

BluBerryMuffin · April 2011

You're a mother the moment you fall in love with your baby, which for the girls on this board was 12-18 weeks ago Smile

lmjt · April 2011

When I had my NT with DS, I said to DH 'Jim, look, it's our baby!' to which the U/S tech scolded me that it isn't a baby until you hold it in your arms. It's a fetus.

Its a load of crap. You're a mom the minute you feel maternal. Even if it's just to a pet. And its a baby the minute you see it, whether the size of a grain of rice or a watermelon. Inside or outside, it's a baby.

littlecookie · April 2011

BluBerryMuffin:
You're a mother the moment you fall in love with your baby, which for the girls on this board was 12-18 weeks ago

FTW

BsMom2011 · April 2011

I think you're sister was being rude and inconsiderate .. me, I've thought of mine as a baby since I got my BFP!! I am a mother no matter what negative people say .. I make decisions for my baby everyday! She shouldn't make you feel like that! You are a mother!

justrachet · April 2011

I don't know why someone would just call up a pregnant lady and tell them this. Since you ask, I considered myself a mother after DS was born, not while I was pregnant.

I consider it a baby whether zygote, blastocyst, embryo, fetus, newborn, or infant. I even call my toddler a baby. I think baby is a term like kid. Someone can be considered a kid as a baby, a child, an adolescent, or even a young adult. It's not bound by biology like the term fetus.

forever412 · April 2011

Wow. I would have flipped out!! I agree with PP, we make choices for our babies health every single day. We care for them as much as we feasibly can. Baby is for sure a baby! Not a fetus (well technically yes, but for the sake of argument). No one could convince or tell me otherwise without getting an earful.

NYChick · April 2011

All I know is, if I don't get a present on mother's day this year, there will be hell to pay!!

msmarsh · April 2011

This post could have taken a completely different turn...

I think BluBerry said it best. It really depends on YOU. Some people feel an instant bond or connection when they find out they're pg or see the first u/s, etc. For others, it won't happen until later in the pregnancy or even until after LO arrives.

The law defines life one way, doctors another and every mother has her own opinion. Personally I felt like a mother the first time I saw our "ball of cells" on the u/s machine. No amount of arguing could make me feel differently about MY baby.

Marie89 · April 2011

NYChick:
All I know is, if I don't get a present on mother's day this year, there will be hell to pay!!

This!

sandrarn11 · April 2011

This is an interesting topic because while I think a woman is technically a Mother soon as she carries an embryo or fetus, I think a woman really proves herself as a Mother after the baby is born...... how you care for a baby, how you love them, how you are concerned about their needs. Those are the things that truly make you a "Mother", which is how adopted women become "Mothers" to their babies. Biology IMO doesn't make you a Mother, your attitude does.

caffinated_tulip · April 2011

Honestly, I would say you're not a mother until your baby is outside. It's no because I don't think that it's a baby, or that you don't love it, or any of that, it's just that something monumental changes then. Once you have a tiny little human that you can hold in your hands, I think that's the moment that you become a mother, right now we're sort of in between (except the ladies who already have LOs)

jupiterthecat · April 2011

msmarsh:
This post could have taken a completely different turn...
I think BluBerry said it best. It really depends on YOU. Some people feel an instant bond or connection when they find out they're pg or see the first u/s, etc. For others, it won't happen until later in the pregnancy or even until after LO arrives.
The law defines life one way, doctors another and every mother has her own opinion. Personally I felt like a mother the first time I saw our "ball of cells" on the u/s machine. No amount of arguing could make me feel differently about MY baby.

Aggggh, the Bump just ate my response. I'll try to remember what I said.

I was thinking the same thing. In my view, this is a very deeply philosophical question that no one can answer for anyone else, and there's no right or wrong answer. No one can definitively proclaim or deny that a fetus = a person/ a baby, because the very notion is entrenched in deeply personal and religious values. That said, while the issue of whether your fetus is a baby is an issue of semantics, whether you define it as a cluster of cells or a viable child does not detract from the love you feel for it or your drive to protect it. In other words, whether or not it can be scientifically, legally, or morally defined as A baby does not prevent it from being YOUR baby.

As for when motherhood starts... who knows. I don't feel like a mother yet. It hasn't sunk in in the way that I'm sure it eventually will. That doesn't mean I don't love my baby or that I won't do everything I can to protect it, but it still feels unreal, like a dream I might wake up from. Maybe it will take until the baby is in my arms for that weight to descend upon me.

michellechacon · April 2011

If you can be a pet-parent and a mommy to a poodle or whatever, then why can't you be a mommy to your growing BABY inside of you.

Your sister needs a slap... can I do it!!!

lily87 · April 2011

msmarsh:
This post could have taken a completely different turn...
I think BluBerry said it best. It really depends on YOU. Some people feel an instant bond or connection when they find out they're pg or see the first u/s, etc. For others, it won't happen until later in the pregnancy or even until after LO arrives.
The law defines life one way, doctors another and every mother has her own opinion. Personally I felt like a mother the first time I saw our "ball of cells" on the u/s machine. No amount of arguing could make me feel differently about MY baby.

So it's interesting...I agree this could have gone a different way. But, just to clarify I wasn't trying to get into a discussion of where life begins. I respect both opinions while I have my own as well.

We weren't having a conversation about that at all (though my sister is very pro-choice which I think was influencing her terminology). We were discussing how we used to give our aunt mother's day gifts because my mom viewed her as "like a mother" to us. And, I said, well her son should be giving me a gift (I was saying this sarcastically and joking), because I am like his biggest champion with grades, I paid for his college application fees, took him on the tours, etc.

For some reason, she took this not as me saying that I am "like a mother" to him, but because I am pg, I am now a mother- which wasn't what I was saying at all. I was referring to my relationship with him and not my relationship with my baby.

However, when she went down that path I kind of got irritated. Because, I already feel like a mother. Maybe it is because this pregnancy has felt very real for me early on- I have been very sick with m/s since week 6 and still am- it is kind of hard for something not to be real when you are constantly puking for weeks. But, there have been a lot of concerns with my health and a lot of fear for the baby- so I guess I feel like I have been maternal since very early on.

But, I guess for me, at the 12 week u/s that baby looked like a baby. And, I just think that no matter where you stand (pro-choice or pro-life), it can be called a baby at that point. I wasn't making a statement about whether a person's right to choose is right or wrong...just that I think the baby is a baby at this point.

Maybe she feels less sure of her beliefs if she calls this a baby versus a fetus. But, personally, I don't see how passing through the vagina makes something a baby. I was born by c-section, was I not a baby? I just don't get point.

And, I was curious if others felt the same way in terms of maternal instinct and whether you call this a baby.

brit072206 · April 2011

lmjt:
When I had my NT with DS, I said to DH 'Jim, look, it's our baby!' to which the U/S tech scolded me that it isn't a baby until you hold it in your arms. It's a fetus.
Its a load of crap. You're a mom the minute you feel maternal. Even if it's just to a pet. And its a baby the minute you see it, whether the size of a grain of rice or a watermelon. Inside or outside, it's a baby.

Whoaaaaaaa. Hold.The.Phone.

It's one thing to get into this with a sister, but the U/S tech?!?! What the what?!?! So is she giving lectures all day? Let people have their moment. Good grief.

Mrs. Alice · April 2011

I personally am not considering myself a mother until my babies are born. I am definitely feeling like a "mother to be" but I think there is a significant difference between the two. On the other hand I have no problem with someone else feeling otherwise. Also, if DH feels inclined to get me a mother's day gift, I won't turn it down!

water-fairy · April 2011

I didn't feel like a mother until DS was born but you have all the right to feel that sooner and nobody should tell you your baby is not a baby because it's still inside.

nanmyers09 · April 2011

lily87:
msmarsh:
This post could have taken a completely different turn...
I think BluBerry said it best. It really depends on YOU. Some people feel an instant bond or connection when they find out they're pg or see the first u/s, etc. For others, it won't happen until later in the pregnancy or even until after LO arrives.
The law defines life one way, doctors another and every mother has her own opinion. Personally I felt like a mother the first time I saw our "ball of cells" on the u/s machine. No amount of arguing could make me feel differently about MY baby.

So it's interesting...I agree this could have gone a different way. But, just to clarify I wasn't trying to get into a discussion of where life begins. I respect both opinions while I have my own as well.
We weren't having a conversation about that at all (though my sister is very pro-choice which I think was influencing her terminology). We were discussing how we used to give our aunt mother's day gifts because my mom viewed her as "like a mother" to us. And, I said, well her son should be giving me a gift (I was saying this sarcastically and joking), because I am like his biggest champion with grades, I paid for his college application fees, took him on the tours, etc.
For some reason, she took this not as me saying that I am "like a mother" to him, but because I am pg, I am now a mother- which wasn't what I was saying at all. I was referring to my relationship with him and not my relationship with my baby.
However, when she went down that path I kind of got irritated. Because, I already feel like a mother. Maybe it is because this pregnancy has felt very real for me early on- I have been very sick with m/s since week 6 and still am- it is kind of hard for something not to be real when you are constantly puking for weeks. But, there have been a lot of concerns with my health and a lot of fear for the baby- so I guess I feel like I have been maternal since very early on.
But, I guess for me, at the 12 week u/s that baby looked like a baby. And, I just think that no matter where you stand (pro-choice or pro-life), it can be called a baby at that point. I wasn't making a statement about whether a person's right to choose is right or wrong...just that I think the baby is a baby at this point.
Maybe she feels less sure of her beliefs if she calls this a baby versus a fetus. But, personally, I don't see how passing through the vagina makes something a baby. I was born by c-section, was I not a baby? I just don't get point.
And, I was curious if others felt the same way in terms of maternal instinct and whether you call this a baby.

talking about giving your aunt mother's day cards...it was so strange to me when i started dating my ex and he didn't get a mother's day card for all of the mother's in his family...then i realized not a lot of people were brought up the way i did - we got mother's day cards for all of the women in our family who were mothers...not related to the main subject but brought this to my mind

laurasuzanne2006 · April 2011

Here is my dilemma....i partly agree you aren't a mother til you have a baby. Yet at the same time if for some reason my water broke and i delivered at 19 weeks and our "baby" died, would i not have been a mother to that child and would not that have been a baby?

LovingSeptember · April 2011

I will always consider myself a mother to the baby that I lost, despite the fact that he or she was never here for me to hold.

hisaak · April 2011

laurasuzanne2006:
Here is my dilemma....i partly agree you aren't a mother til you have a baby. Yet at the same time if for some reason my water broke and i delivered at 19 weeks and our "baby" died, would i not have been a mother to that child and would not that have been a baby?

You hit the nail on the head ... at least for me. Our first and second born - twins - were born still. I don't know how I would have answered this question before Avery and Sophie ... but I sure know now. Holding those babes in our arms, we knew we were parents ... just of children who never got a chance to breathe. The Mother's and Father's Day after we lost the girls were awful.

All that said, it is a very personal as to when people feel as though they are mothers. Regardless, your sister was completely off-base.

memali26 · April 2011

lmjt:
When I had my NT with DS, I said to DH 'Jim, look, it's our baby!' to which the U/S tech scolded me that it isn't a baby until you hold it in your arms. It's a fetus.

Seriously!?!? I can't believe they told you that. I would have had a hard time not laying into that tech. To me it's a baby from the moment it's conceived and I love it as my baby from the second I know I'm pregnant. Holding her in my arms didn't magically make DD more of a baby than she was 5 minutes before she was born.

I've heard it said that fathers are made in the delivery room, but mothers are made with a positive test. I really think that both parents can become parents from the moment the test is positive - like you said, you are already caring for your child and making the best decisions for their health and well-being. You already love that child and those things are what makes a mother or father.

Elsker · April 2011

I don't think I'm a mother on the same level that my mom is, but as soon as I found out there was actually a little person in there, I became really defensive of him/her, so I think I took on the attitude of "mother" immediately. I'd agree that it can depend on the "mother" in question...but I personally have been a mother for all 4+ months I've been carrying this kid.

I had a nightmare one night about being hit by a truck and losing the baby (at 4 weeks), and in my dream I totally went ballistic on the driver of the truck and then had them put in prison for the murder of my 4 week developed "zygote".

To me, my baby has always been my baby. And if anyone were to try and argue with me about it, I might assault them (and get away with it because of my "altered mental state" due to pregnancy hormones...)

lily87 · April 2011

lmjt:
When I had my NT with DS, I said to DH 'Jim, look, it's our baby!' to which the U/S tech scolded me that it isn't a baby until you hold it in your arms. It's a fetus.
Its a load of crap. You're a mom the minute you feel maternal. Even if it's just to a pet. And its a baby the minute you see it, whether the size of a grain of rice or a watermelon. Inside or outside, it's a baby.

This is unbelievable to me. I think I would have complained. If the medical community wants to call the baby something different at that point fine- but to correct someone for calling their baby a baby?? That is going too far. Totally inappropriate.

SPC2007 · April 2011

I believe you are a mother the day you find out you are pregnant and all the worries of motherhood start then too and they never end! And the baby is definitely a baby..not cells. Show her some pictures and ask her if they look like cells or a baby.

BlueEyedBoyMeetsABrownEyedGirl · April 2011

I think what she said was completely inappropriate. My Hallmark-Card-cheesy opinion is that motherhood is a journey. I know I have not yet felt the depth of love for my child that I'm sure evolves over time, that some of you 2nd time+ moms feel I'm sure, after those big and little moments - seeing him/her for the first time, BF, reading at night, first steps, etc. But that said, the moment I saw my little tadpole on that U/S screen, I felt a love and a need to protect like I've never felt before. I am that child's mother, because I'm responsible for bringing him/her into the world. I already put that child's needs ahead of my own - albeit in small ways while I'm pg, and I expect that to only increase over time once the LO is born. That's why I say it's a journey. I also think anyone can be a "mother" biologically, but you have to earn the love, trust, and respect of your child by doing the best you can...which is what I hope to do. I've already started, so I'm a mother.

On a lighter note - what would she think about the fact that I'm "Mommy" to our dog!!!

tblauvelt · April 2011

I agree with you. I'm a mother (we all are). I really can't belive the ignorance your sister has about this. Sometimes family just sucks, ugh. Sorry you had to sit and listen to your sister explain about the baby being just cells.

mollybloom · April 2011

Perhaps I will know the answer to this after LO is born. I know I feel motherly, I feel protective, I already know that I love the baby. I cry tears of joy when I think about all the exciting things to come. I cry tears of sadness when I have moments of worry about miscarriage. Does that make me a mother? I like to think so, but maybe I will feel differently when I have the baby.

This is a great question lily.

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