Q: Should I insist my DH comes to discharge?

OscarQ · April 2011

Kevin will probably be discharged in the next two weeks. To me, this is a huge event - bringing our first born home from the hospital after four months in the NICU. Huge! I always pictured the moment when I was wheeled out of the hospital with my baby and driven home and in all those mental pictures - my husband was right there with me.

But he is starting a new job on Monday and feels like it is too much to ask to take even a few hours off to be there for the discharge.

I'm a do it alone type person - I never asked DH to take time off work for our fertility treatments (just make your deposit and go to work, no need to stick around to hold my hand) or for any of my doctor appointments. But for some reason, I'm being a stickler for him being there for Kevin's discharge. Am I just losing it?

angelicalopez29 · April 2011

It's a huge moment, he should be there.

JakesBride07 · April 2011

I can understand both sides of things but I really think DH should be there.

Couldn't he just simply explain the situation and ask if he could take the day or half a day because it is a BIG occasion? Worse case his boss says no.

lax15bsu · April 2011

I'd say DH should be there. Surely his new employer would understand the situation.

LuckyMom0203 · April 2011

Yes, he should be there and would probably regret it later if he weren't. I feel like if I were his boss and knew about the situation, I would INSIST he take the day/half a day off. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't understand these circumstances.

caitdana · April 2011

This may be TMI but DH was laid off last year and was working but still looking for stable employment when we got pregnant. He found that job when I was 24 weeks (when things started to go downhill). His jerk of a boss gave him a hard time (later appologized) for taking off for my emergency c-section at 27 weeks. Every surgery or major NICU event it was hard because I was unsure if DH could be there. We both watched the CPR video and I did all the training classes and such but they would not release Sophia in our care until DH came after work (he is a welder and was all dirty from work) to practice CPR on a dummy doll. If they had not made him come, we probably would have just met him at home. Although resistant about coming in the NICU after work, he was the proudest daddy walking out of the NICU with his daughter. With Ella, we didnt have much of a choice. DH was at home with Sophia waiting on the home oxygen company. So, I had it both ways. I dont think DH felt like a real dad until that moment when he was solely responsible for her care. It was neat to see that instant change the second we stepped through those doors. We were so ready to get the heck outta there with Ella that it didnt matter to me. I totally understand about the new job. My thoughts are since NICU going home dates change at the drop of a hat (ours changes several times, a few times I was on my way to the hospital for discharge and was told it was a no go) that your DH should alert his new boss about the situation, because even when Kevin gets home you may need him to come home quickly. But just wait and feel out how the new job is and then ask.

jcsntms06 · April 2011

I think you should insist. It's a huge moment that needs to be celebrated.

ayram · April 2011

Funny, though, when my friend's DD was released from NICU...they said "Sometime soon." She showed up the next day, and because DD was doing so well (and also/mainly because of space issues in NICU) they released her that morning!! Friend's DH was at work, so I gave her a hand, as her little preemie was very unceremoniously discharged first thing in the morning. Surprise to daddy!!

Yes, nice to share it together, but if it doesn't work out, it's not the worst thing.

philkristi · April 2011

We were in the same boat...DH got a new job and was still on probation (they had 9 months of it) so there was no days he could take off. Or days I wanted him to take off...but luckily our DS was released on Thanksgiving Day so of course he was off work. Does he have to work Good Friday? Or maybe it will fall on a weekend? Or I know the NICU we were in they would have released us at whatever time of day we needed so maybe talk with them and see about the time maybe it will be after he gets off work?

Lilystar82 · April 2011

Does your NICU have a specific discharge time? When DD was released we had no warning it was coming. I showed up in the morning for an 8am feed and they were like - bring in her carseat, and if she passes the carseat test, shes being sprung. DH ran out of work to help me get ready for her to come home. When DS was released, the NICU waited and released him at 6pm so DH could be there with me and so that someone could be at home and watch DD. Maybe they could do an evening discharge so he could be there?

irishdo · April 2011

I would try to have him there. DH did not want to take off either since it was last minute but I made him. It is a big deal. Plus even though I had been slowly bringing stuff home we had so much stuff!!!! It was like we were moving him out of college, plus they give you a bunch of stuff on d/c as well. I needed help with the stuff, and car and the baby. He was also glad he came to say goodbye. The staff became our surrogate family and even though we were so ready toleave, it was hard to say goodbye.

ams8099 · April 2011

Oh my gosh, yes he should be there! My hospital requires that all babies be wheeled out, so I got my wheelchair ride with my babies! It's such a big moment, I can't imagine why he would miss it!

OscarQ · April 2011

Thanks everyone. I know that I can do this alone but I don't want to do it alone. And I feel like this is a moment he'll never get back.

I'll work with the NICU to try to arrange a convenient time but if that's not possible, I'm really going to push DH to be there. I think his new job will be more understanding than he's giving them credit for now. Also, even if they are skeptical, he'll proof his worth to them quickly (he's always the best employee wherever he works).

Thanks again!

kamcfarlane · April 2011

we actually didn't get discharged until the evening and DH didn't end up taking any time off of work. maybe you can see if that's possible?

that being said, i don't think any employer is going to be upset for someone taking off to bring their kiddo home from the hospital. i think men and women see things differently - we are the ones that carried the babies and we have so many ideas about how things will go that there is a much more significant grieving process when things don't go the way we expect. men just don't seem to get that.

bringing DS home from the hospital was one of the top 3 moments of my life - right up there with getting married and the day he was born. we still celebrate every year. it was the day we finally became the family we had worked so hard for.

Irishsapphire · April 2011

We asked for baby to be discharged at night so that my husband could be there. And I roomed in with baby the night before. It gave me a full day to ask last minute questions--breastfeeding etc. And the day that baby was discharged, we had a photographer come and take newborn pictures without the wires attached--I really treasure those photos.

Kiki11 · April 2011

The day that we brought our son home was a huge moment for us. It was absolutely one of the happiest days of our lives. The day he was born was terrifying and we were both sick to our stomachs with the thought that we might lose our son. Celebrating the fact that he survived, beat the odds despite his tumultuous NICU stay, and taking him home with us for the first time after 4 months in hospital was a day that we will never forget. I can't imagine if that day had been spent with my husband at work and me taking C home by myself. I hope your husband is able to be there. How exciting that Kevin is hopefully going home soon!

lemen99 · April 2011

If feasible, I would have him there. It was a really special day and I was glad to have my DH there.

HnyBear · April 2011

Fmla

AVA0908 · April 2011

I think that he should at least ask. The worst that can happen is that his boss says no. I do think that it is extremely important for him to be there! And I don't think you are losing it.

Wally3 · April 2011

I think he should ask, not only for the mushing reasons but because I found it extremely emotional for me. I need someone else there to ask questions and remember last minute instructions. If DH can't come I would ask a friend or relative to go with you.

As other women have said it seemed pretty quick that he was able to come home. We called in the morning and they said to bring really close he could go home by end of day or the following day and then end up discharging him as soon as we got there.

Temp984666312503071 · April 2011

I would ask for an evening discharge. If that doesn't work, it doesn't hurt for your DH to ask his new boss and to explain the situation. The worst they can say is "no" but I would guess they will likely be happy to let him go. GL!

HnyBear:
Fmla

You have to work for a company for 12 months to qualify for FMLA benefits. She says in the OP that this is a brand new job.

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