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need some parenting help... long!
So, I'm just gonna say it.. Today, I can't even stand the sight of my 13 year old. I love her dearly but today, I do not like her... which makes me really, really sad.
Long story short (eta: LOL, not so short as it turns out 
- she normally walks home (a half mile) from school with friends. Since it was raining sideways I drove and picked her up (I thought she'd appreciated it, stupid me). She didn't take it as a thoughtful gesture, it pissed her off (I think she thought she would just hang out with her friends at school till the rain passed).
So, she's been incredibly rude and disrespectful since she got in the car. It started out harmless enough (I tend to just ignore her when she acts like that) but somehow morphed into a big argument about a pair of $$$$ shoes that she wants and I won't go out and buy immediately and how lame it is that she doesn't get an allowance (never mind the fact that she doesn't do any chores besides keep her own personal space clean, and she's not even very good at that). I guess it was 'vent your grievances with mother' day.
The topics weren't even the problem... it's the rudeness and nastiness that she used to make her points... Seriously, if a friend spoke to me that way I'd likely end the friendship then and there. It's completely unacceptable to me.
I just don't even know who she is anymore. I can't even explain how hard it is to see her like this... I try to tell myself it's just the 'teen' in her talking but what if this is the kind of person she's going to be?? Who taught her to behave this way?? I assure you, nobody else in her life acts like this (well, some of her friends might at school but what can I do about that?)
It's not just the nasty smart mouth... along with it has come this whole 'entitled' attitude... to money, clothes and other stuff, to basically whatever she wants... she expects to be allowed to go wherever and do whatever... Again, where did this crap come from?? This is NOT how she was raised. It's almost like she thinks if she's enough of an a$$ then I'll just let her do/have what she wants... The thing is though, it doesn't work... so, she's getting absolutely zero reinforcement for this behavior from me or Ben.
I just don't get it. And, I don't know what to do.
So, my question is: what on earth would you do? How do I get her to stop this kind of stuff? I'm seriously open to ANY ideas/advice at this point....
It started at typical teen sass and eye-rolling. No big, I ignored it. Then it got a little worse. I made sure to always stay calm, stick to our house rules, and insist that she do the same (or suffer the consequences - losing privileges, her phone, etc). I've also tried to spend more 1 on 1 time with her and giving her more privacy/time to her self, and giving her a little more freedom/relaxing her 'rules' a little (extra texting privileges, more time out with friends, staying up later, little things like that to give her more personal freedom). (ETA: I realize this makes it sound like she is getting reinforcement for her ridiculous behavior - these bits of extra 'freedom' came as rewards for appropriate behavior only, not for acting like a jerk! And they came a while back before the real nasty stuff started and some have since been taken away as a result 
Nothing seems to make a difference. The only positive interactions we seem to have these days are when she's being allowed to do something she thinks is fun - anything else is a pain in her a$$. And, it seems like if she's not having a super awesome fun time she wants to make everyone else miserable as well.
Sigh... So, I appreciate anything any of you have to offer. And thank you for reading this far if you did.. Just getting this all out has helped me feel better.
Thank you -
Hannah
This discussion has been closed.
Re: need some parenting help... long!
good luck
Oh, we've offered an allowance many times over the years, in exchange for a small list weekly chores (we're talking like 10 minutes of her time per day). With the most recent time the first week she did them and got $$, the second week I had to remind her to do them, she did half so she got half the $$. The next week when I reminded her to do them, she refused so she didn't get any money. The next week was the same... so, I haven't mentioned it since and neither had she till today.
I just feel like money is earned, you know? We pay for all of her food, clothes, shelter, school activities, random stuff with friends, etc... She doesn't 'need' money for anything so I feel like if she wants it, she needs to earn it.
I worry that just handing it over for nothing might backfire... I dunno...
Definitely food for thought - thank you!
Hannah
YGPM.
ETA: I'm glad to know that I wasn't the only self-absorbed-teenage-a$$-clown to come from the most amazing parents on the planet. When I think back to those years, I scare myself. My attitude was utterly HORRENDOUS; and my parents deserve(d) medals of bravery. True story.
13-15 I was THE biggest ass ever. I don't know how my parents didn't drop me off in the middle of the desert and never come back. I pushed every limit...The fact that my parents never gave in and stuck to their guns is the reason I came around. Because of my horrible attitude I missed an NKOTB concert that ALL my friends went to... I'm not kidding when I say that it STILL stings 20 years later and I have no one to blame but myself. I had the same entitlement attitude.. My parents had money and I knew it.. But they were very strict about what we could and couldn't have. And it pissed me off. All my friends got all the new shoes or whatever was "really in" at the time. I think my anger came from worrying about fitting in if I didn't have everything, you know? And it made me bitter and nasty to my parents.
I wasn't raised that way either... But I did eventually learn. And from 15 on I got it together and had an incredible (and still do!) relationship with my parents. I truly believe it's a phase. And she will find her way. And appreciate you more later on for setting limits and not giving in. Good luck and hugs. I'm not looking forward to the teenage years ; )
We were given enough money each week to pay for our school lunches and like 20 extra dollars (can't remember the exact amount). If we wanted to buy lunch we had to hang on to the money that was given at the beginning of the month. We always had the option of packing our own lunch and saving the lunch money. Anyway we got all the money we were going to get on the first so we had to learn to budget it. Asking for money for the movies, gas, or extra clothes was not an option. Also we were not paid for chores. They were an expected part of being a part of the family. If we didnt do chores we didnt lose money but other privileges. I remembering it working pretty well.
. Sorry you guys are going through a rough patch. I teach 5th grade and i can only imagine living with some of my students
1. Sounds like a normal teenager to me.
2. Keep doing what you're doing, she'll turn out great.
3. If she gets totally out of control, take her bedroom door off the hinges. That got me in line real quick when I was 15. Total.Lack.of.Privacy.
4. I can't wait until my baby is a teenager. My mother assures me that paybacks are hell.
Hang in there.
My brother just did this very thing with my 13 year old nephew. Worked like a freaking charm. I never would have thought of it, but it's sheer genius.
I never really gave my parents a hard time as a teenager (easy for me to say, ha) so I don't have a lot of advice. I think you've gotten (and will continue to get) great tips here.
Big hugs
Tyler Anthony arrived on 9.21.09
The Chronicles of Justin and Tyler
I learned pretty quickly after that ; )
1. It does sound like normal teenager, but it doesn't need to be tolerated.
2. Sometimes ignoring (which you did) is the best strategy. Other times, a nice long cooling off period (say from after school til dinner) is in order until you and your daughter can talk rationally (well, sort of)
3. Love the door hinges idea if it becomes an issue.
4. My parents used to pay by the chore. Each chore had prices, and dishes/bathrooms paid the most. (we did not have a dishwasher). Nothing was a particularly large amount, but enough that if we wanted something at the end of the week we could earn it. They also used to pay us $5/bag for picking up walnuts/buckeyes/etc... in our yard each fall (we had a giant walnut tree). They also did the lunch money thing. So, money was earned, but we had control of how much (within reason of course).
5. The other thought I had was maybe it's a hormonal thing?
GL and hang in there!
((hugs)) I too was an ass from ages 13-17 and while I did have some stuff going on in my life that was tough (NOT normal teen stuff) it was still not an excuse to be such a brat to my parents. The only advice I can give is like what pp have said, just stick to your guns... chances are she sees her friends maybe acting like this with their parents and then getting what they want. I can remember being so mad at my parents that they wouldnt let me do xyz or buy me xyz because so and so's parents did it for them...totally unfair! NOT! She will appreciate the stability and consistency in the long run-- and I'm sure you already realize this but you are doing your job, you are being her parent not her friend and thats a good thing. She may strongly dislike you for a while but you know you are doing the right thing. She will eventually realize that her parents just dont put up with her crap and she will take her sob story elsewhere.
I think that was part of my parents downfall was that they did give in after a punishment and I sometimes wonder if they had followed through a little more if I would have straightened up faster. As for money lessons though, my parents were VERY consistent and strict about this. At about age 13 I wasnt given an allowance per say-- $20/month and that had to pay for anything out of the ordinary that I wanted. If I wanted to go to the mall with friends and shop, go to the movies, buy special clothes (mom obviously bought me clothes for the different seasons and back to school but if I wanted something special like $$$ shoes I had to save my money to get it). My parents financially could have gotten me whatever I wanted but since I wasnt given whatever I wanted it made me realize I had to work if I wanted more. I got my first job at 14 (at a day camp in the summer as a jr counselor) and from that point on I had 1-3 jobs at any given time. Paid for my own car and insurance, gas, pretty much everything but the basics and I KNOW I am now financially responsible as a result.
Hold strong mama-- youre doing the right thing, she might just be in a funk and will wake up your sweet girl in the morning. Oh and remember what ends up working for you so you can school all of us in the coming years ;-)
Oh gosh, I am so not looking forward to this.
I have heard this is a good read for moms of teen and preteen girls
https://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/0374528535
It sounds like you are doing things right. It is hard to decide where to draw the line. On friend of mine SWEARS by punishing her daughter every.single.time she rolls her eyes or sasses her. She said that period lasted about 3 months and her daughter has been respectful every since. I also have friends who say just ignore it. Good luck Hannah
I have no advice, but I was the same as many of these posters. I was a complete biitch to my mom. I cringe thinking about the way I used to treat her.
I love the idea of taking the door off the hinges. I will have to remember that one in a few years.
You are a wonderful mom who is raising a typical teen. Hopefully this phase ends soon for you. ((hugs))
You said c-u-n-t
LOL
Honestly, she sounds pretty much exactly like me at that age too. I had great parents but was the hugest brat. I agree that you don't need to tolerate it, but I truly do believe a lot of it is hormones. It's like an extended first trimester in terms of mood swings.
FWIW, my sister was the same way with my nephew at about 13-14. She said all the time, "I love him, but I do not like him at all." It surprised me because I thought a boy would be easier, but teenagers just suck all around. I remember lots and lots of "Come to Jesus" talks with my parents at that age. And I dread Ellie hitting it already. But I think you're doing everything right, and it will turn out OK. She will not be that way forever. I grew up to be a functional, fairly successful adult with a great relationship with my parents. This too shall pass. Hang in there.
ETA: I'm pretty sure that in the situation you were in today, my dad would have stopped the car and told me to walk the rest of the way home in the rain. I guess when you've really had it with her, you can always try that route. It definitely sends a message!
Photo by Melissa Nicole Photography
Photo by Melissa Nicole Photography