Talking to kids about death

cops_wife · April 2011

My grandma passed away this weekend. Ellie knew her well. I haven't said anything to Ellie because she's way too young to understand and I don't plan to take her to the funeral. However, she's going to see my grandpa this evening, and to her, "Grandma Marian and Grandpa Jim" were one unit. I expect her to ask where Grandma Marian is, and I don't know what to tell her. I'm inclined to just tell her she's not here right now, but I think she might insist on knowing where she is and I don't want her questions to upset anyone, innocent though they may be. I don't really know that she would understand the concept of heaven yet.

I feel like I should be able to figure this out, but it makes me too sad to think about it. Has anyone been through this? What did you tell your children?

KYmama9286 · April 2011

Hmm, thats a tough one and I havent experienced that as a parent but I used to run grief and loss groups for childrens and teens and I will say from a professional standpoint I would advise against telling her that Grandma just isnt here right now-- as you said it will just bring on more questions, make death seem more mysterious and scary than it already is, etc.

Do you have any certain faith beliefs? My instinct is to just be honest but obviously taking on a child's perspective. I wouldnt dwell too long on any illness factors (like dont emphasis, Grandma was sick because that can create fears about anyone being sick). Maybe focus on Grandma being older, she is in heaven...dunno I'm not good at this stuff. Would you have time to go to a book store and see what grief books they have for children her age? That might be the easiest way to explain and I am SURE there are books about when Grandma dies. GL with however you choose to go about it and I am so sorry for your loss, I will be keeping you and your family in my T&P today :-(

sistrkate · April 2011

I don't have any sage advice, not having gone through this yet myself with my kids. I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry you lost your grandma. I hope you find a way to talk to Ellie that is easy on you both. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts, Christy.

bellevuebride07 · April 2011

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with pp about finding a Children's book that might help explain. If it was me i would just tell Ellie that grandma went to heaven.

mcmann05 · April 2011

I don't have any advice just wanted to say sorry about your Grandma. I do agree with finding a book though. At her age, it's really tough because of understanding. There is a book called "Tear Soup" but it's more about grief than actually dying....plus it's super long but is a kids book.

addslove · April 2011

I'm sorry about the loss of your grandma. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I haven't been through this with DD either but like PPs have suggested, I would be inclined to explain to her that Grandma Marian has gone to a special place in heaven (if that is your faith.) You could reassure E that Grandma M loves her very much and that it's OK to miss her and even be a little sad that you won't be able to see her anymore. I guess that is probably where I would start and see how E handles it from there.

buckeyethor · April 2011

First of all, I am so sorry about your grandma. When we lost my grandpa in Februrary, we did tell Audrey that he was in heaven now. She did go to the funeral and the viewing with us. We felt her presense would provide some comfort and distraction in terms of the next generation and that type of thing. She did go up to the casket at one point; it was pretty much unavoidable. She said "Pa! Bye Bye! Love you! Muah (blew kiss)". It was the sweetest thing. I think somewhere inside she just knew something was different that time.

It is totally a personal decision if you want to take her or even how you tell her. I don't think Audrey really understood what I was saying when I told her he was gone but I didn't really know what else to say.

teacherjess · April 2011

So sorry to hear about this. My grandma died in February and I did have to take DD to the viewing and funeral because DH had a conference out of town and we needed to travel to Cleveland for the funeral. It would not have been my choice to take her, but I'm glad I did.

She didn't know my grandma very well because my grandma had advanced dementia and was never someone Leah was close with in her lifetime, but I just told her Grammy had died, and that meant she went away and that hopefully we would see her again someday. I talked about her body being there, but said that what made her a special person was her spirit. We talked about her spirit and said that even though Grammy's body was gone, her spirit would stay with us and we would do things she loved in order to remember her-- be with family, cook good meals, plant a garden, etc. Leah didn't get too much from that, but it helped me to talk about it, and she liked talking about the garden.

When we saw her body, Leah just asked why she was sleeping, and I again explained that Grammy's body had gone to sleep and wasn't going to wake up, but that she had loved us a lot and that her spirit would always be with us. I was afraid that she'd freak out about the body not waking up, but she didn't. She was VERY happy to be around my family and seemed to understand that everyone was sad and crying about Grammy going to sleep. But we had a great time with my family and that's what she remembers most about the funeral weekend, which makes me happy.

I will say it gave me a lot of comfort to have her there. She was very snuggly when I was crying in church and at the viewing and it sort of did distract me from my grief, in a good way, to have to focus on her needs at times. I was surprised that I ended up being glad I brought her with me.

sistrkate · April 2011

daves_sweetpea:
I guess just be as truthful as possible given the child's age. We felt like we had to perpetuate those little white lies and it was like a kick in the gut every single time they asked a question. It's like they know when someone isn't giving them the truth.

I actually completely agree with this. My sister and her husband didn't want to face talking to their kids about this kind of thing when they were younger and distant relatives passed, so they just didn't discuss it with them at all and found someone to leave them with when they went to the funeral. It kind of bit them in the rear when a grandparent passed away, and my nephews had a much harder time coming to terms with it, having never been exposed to it at all.

Good luck Christy.

allibaba76 · April 2011

So sorry about your grandma. When my husband's grandfather recently passed away I was very straight forward with my 4 year old about it. I explained that daddy was very sad because grandpa died...that he had been very old and when you get to be very very old your body can't fight sick germs as well. So when grandpa got sick his body was too tired to make him well and he died...and that means we won't see him anymore and we miss him, but we have pictures of him to help us remember him. My son had more questions about his body (where is it?) and I briefly told him about funerals and coffins and cemeteries but I realize that may be too much for some kids. I just kind of followed my kid's lead and answered him honestly. We did not take him to the funeral but he seemed satisfied with all the answers I gave him about everything. He has said a few times that daddy's grandpa died. So he knows it but I am not sure how much he really gets.

MandiNewMommy · April 2011

First off so sorry about your loss. When my husband passed away my lil cousin (both in my wedding four months before he passed) wanted to know where Adam went. Morgan was 8 at the time so a lil older and able to understand, Wyatt was only 5 and did not really get it. There mom did find a book to help her with this...I will try to find out the name. They both had lots of questions so be ready for that. They also wanted to go and see him at the cemerty. I am not sure how old your LO was but it might help to take her. I think kids get more then we think so just be honest with her and try to answer the questions as best as you can.

Good Luck and hugs! Mandi

Temp806465500003043 · April 2011

Sorry to hear about your grandma. I think you should be honest and keep it very general, Grandma went to heaven, etc that other people said. My cousin was 4 or 5 when my grandma died and that is what they told her. She was really sweet and at the memorial service she came up to me and talked about how we are sad that grandma died but now she is in heaven and we are having a party to celebrate how much we loved her. It made us smile at a really sad time. I think that explanation really helped her.

Moesten · April 2011

You have received excellent advice here so my input will be very brief. Be honest about what has happened and be brief. Don't try to explain everything up front but give a simple explanation and let her questions (if any) guide the rest of the discussion.

I disagree with PP about not mentioning illness if your grandmother was sick. It is better and less frightening for kids to learn that illnesses, accidents, and old age lead to death rather than believing healthy people drop dead without explanation.

Good luck with this parenting challenge. And please let me tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of your grandmother.

adamsbabble · April 2011

I remember very vividly having a discussion about death with my mother when I was young, probably just a little older than Ellie. I don't remember what sparked it (probably just overhearing conversation about someone passing) but no one really talked to me about whatever it was that was going on and I remember it weighing on my mind, to the point that I was afraid to ask questions and then I finally freaked out and woke my mom up one night to ask her how/when people die. I remember talking to her about it and I remember that I understood what it meant to die. We talked about Heaven too, and I understood it. It can be tricky figuring out how to explain these things, but I think they understand a lot more than we realize, so I would just be honest about what DID happen, but not go into too much about what can and will happen (other loved ones eventually dying, etc.). Let her ask questions from there. You know your daughter and what words to use so that she'll understand. I would definitely address it before tonight because she's going to pick up on the grief and sadness anyway, and it might really stress her out (like it did me) to not know what is going on. I think children (who were close to the person) need to have the same grieving process as adults, rather than shielded from it. It's not a fun lesson to have to teach, especially when they are still so young and the world should just be a happy place- but it's good that she has such a loving mommy to help her through this. (((HUGS))) I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts & prayers.

Ttimes3 · April 2011

Oh goodness, C. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had some advice about discussing the loss of a loved one with a young child. (Un)fortunately, I don't; however, I just wanted to give you an e-hug.

Mommy2Max · April 2011

First of all, I am sorry for your loss.

We are dealing with this right now with the loss of my FIL. We were very close to him as was Max. We did take Max to the hospital so that he could see him and my FIL passed away 20 minutes later. We also took Max to the layout and the funeral and Max said "shhh pawpaw is sleeping." He did really well and I wouldn't have ever thought about not taking him. Max's pawpaw was a huge part of his life and I personally felt it was important for Max to be involved in the whole process with us. Plus, he lightened the mood for my MIL, SIL, BIL and DH.

When he asks about my FIL we just tell him that pawpaw had to go see the angels. That is enough for him. He says ok and moves on.

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