How do you deal with leaving??

Seattle_JiLLn · April 2011

Cooper is not good with separation. Half the time if I just go upstairs without him he will cry hard til I come back. Even if Steve and Ben are with him. At our BCC class if I leave to go to the bathroo he wigs out. He even had trouble with my mom holding him if he thought I was leaving the room. So as a result, I Have a lot of anxiety about leaving him so we just never do. We left him once with my bff who he adores and it was fine. But I left him with steve and an hour later he left. So I think since I didn't leave him with my bff that helped. Anyway, we need some date nights. Even if it's just a quick dinner. But we don't have babysitters. And my mom doesnt live here. And I can't ask my bff because it's not her job and I hate to put her out. So I bought a groupon to Adventure Kids in issaquah and I have so much anxiety about using it. But it would be ideal. Drop them off for two hours while we go out, pick them up and take them home for bed time. But I don't know how I can leave Cooper there. H wouldn't be in the same room as Ben. So he'd really be ditched. So how do you do it? Do I just do it and hope that eventually he will be ok? I just worry that it will make him more anxious over all. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I should? Or should I really just fond a sitter who can come to the house to take some of the scary variables out of the equation? And if so, how do you Find someone??? Help! I was actually crying when I called adventure kids asking how it works there! So clearly I have my Own issues too. Sigh.

IdahoGirl · April 2011

Awww Jill I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I'd find a sitter that was really experienced with kids and could deal with Coop's issue and then just start going out.

You saying you cried just makes me want to give you a big ole hug....that's tough

StellaZ · April 2011

Sounds like he's not ready for a "place" but you definitely need to go out. It might not improve if you leave more, but likely it will. Just ask who your friends use - and try to use the same person for a few months consistently - maybe even start out a few "mommy's helper" afternoons while you stay home, then you take Ben somewhere alone, etc

m&m823 · April 2011

IdahoGirl:

Awww Jill I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I'd find a sitter that was really experienced with kids and could deal with Coop's issue and then just start going out.

You saying you cried just makes me want to give you a big ole hug....that's tough

This.

Even though I left M with my parents early on, I had a major fear of leaving him with anyone else. He was SUCH a tough baby. I think the first time was really when he had to go to daycare. I eased into it. Over about a month I dropped him off for an hour or two here or there. He had some rough times at first and it was hard - but I knew he was with a caregiver who knew how to deal with this and handle it. That's the key - someone who is experienced with this kind of thing.

I've heard of some people having good luck with those sitter services. Until he gets used to you leaving, it might be best to bring in a professional.

Good luck!

indigo91804 · April 2011

StellaZ:
Sounds like he's not ready for a "place" but you definitely need to go out. It might not improve if you leave more, but likely it will. Just ask who your friends use - and try to use the same person for a few months consistently - maybe even start out a few "mommy's helper" afternoons while you stay home, then you take Ben somewhere alone, etc

I was going to say a mommy's helper type situation would be good. Also, a good and experienced babysitter will be able to handle separation anxiety. It might be worth investing in a babysitting website for that. One of my girlfriends had a very hard time with her youngest dropping him off at preschool. It wasn't until the second year he was there that she actually could leave for the full time. She would often leave and he would settle and she would stay outside until he did. If he had a major meltdown after she left, the teacher called her. Minor meltdown, teacher would handle it. I think it was really important for him that it was consistent and his caretaker really got to know him well. We also all use one of our friends high school aged daughter for nights out and he has known her for a few years not as a babysitter but as one of the kids in our group. She always been the "big sister". He does great with her too. It is because he knows her really well because he's "grown up" with her.

Good luck Jill!! He'll get through this and so will you. Hang in there.

indigo91804 · April 2011

Also, I never separated L & L when Liam was that age. Liam always was much more content when Logan was around. Logan always looked out for Liam. If Logan is ok, Liam usually is too.

Kathzoo · April 2011

L is the same way. She totally freaks when she can't get to me like when I am in the kitchen doing dishes or last night when I went to take a bath, she threw a fit and banged on the door so hard. It breaks my heart when she cries like that, but sometimes I need a break. I have started leaving her with people more in the last few weeks and she has done amazingly well. I always say bye bye and give her a hug and kiss, but then leave quickly. Sometimes she cries sometimes not. She almost always starts screaming the second I come back. The sitters have said she does really well. I nurse before I leave and give them some food for her and a sippy of water. She has even been napping for the sitter recently at our house and she usually won't even nap for me.

I get super stressed when I know I have to leave her and I think she senses it and gets more clingy. Like this morning, she was a pill. Super whiny, wouldn't let me put her down and was way overtired. But we went out to lunch and left her with a new sitter and I guess she was fine. I was much more relaxed when we got home and since she slept for awhile, she is in a much better mood this afternoon.

So I guess for both of us, practicemakes it better.

coribecca · April 2011

Do you think he might be better if you got a sitter to watch him at home? That way, at least he'd be in a familiar environment.

G isn't as bad a Cooper, but he totally loses it when we leave him at Sunday School or at the child care center at the gym. If he's home and we leave him with a sitter, it's not that bad. If you want a recommendation for a sitter, I have one I really like. We use the daughter of one of the attorneys I work with. She's really sweet and responsible and loves kids. I can give you her contact info if you want.

The other option is to go out after he goes to bed (as long as he isn't a night owl). We do that a lot. It makes it easier on us, the kids, adn the sitter.

IkesHawaiian06 · April 2011

I know you were worried about leaving him before and I'm sorry that it's still hard for you and Cooper. :-( Hugs to you, it's never easy when your kids are upset.

I agree with having a mother's helper. Maybe have the helper come over a few times while you're there, so that both Cooper and Ben get used to her. Then, as he's more comfortable, you can start leaving for a few minutes at a time. It might be worth a shot.

Good luck! I hope that you're able to find something that works for you guys and that you're able to get an afternoon or evening out once in awhile.

Seattle_JiLLn · April 2011

coribecca:
Do you think he might be better if you got a sitter to watch him at home? That way, at least he'd be in a familiar environment.
G isn't as bad a Cooper, but he totally loses it when we leave him at Sunday School or at the child care center at the gym. If he's home and we leave him with a sitter, it's not that bad. If you want a recommendation for a sitter, I have one I really like. We use the daughter of one of the attorneys I work with. She's really sweet and responsible and loves kids. I can give you her contact info if you want.
The other option is to go out after he goes to bed (as long as he isn't a night owl). We do that a lot. It makes it easier on us, the kids, adn the sitter.

I'd love her info if you're willing to share!

And Cooper goes to bed as early as 10, and as late as 11. So yeah, we can't go out after he goes to bed. I'm struggling with his sleep too. And things seem to go better when he goes to bed late. Ridiculous I know.

keri1013 · April 2011

I agree with the others, find a good sitter (you can place an ad on care.com), have her come several times while you're home so the boys are familiar with her, and then bite the bullet and go out. At that age (and still today if we're in an unfamiliar situation) Max did not want me out of his sight when other people were around, even to go to the bathroom. But it's good for all of you for you to get away, keep reminding yourself of that!

I would start with short periods of time and gradually increase the time you're away. If you have an experienced, confident sitter, she can handle it even if he screams the whole time. Also, maybe have a special treat that she can do as soon as you leave, like a snack he really likes but maybe doesn't get all the time. Max always gets crackers right after I drop him off at day care and I swear it's part of why the transition usually goes really well. Whatever you do, don't sneak out as I think that would definitely make things worse (not that I think you were planning to do that, just throwing it out there).

Good luck, hang in there, it will get better!

Seattle_JiLLn · April 2011

IkesHawaiian06:
I know you were worried about leaving him before and I'm sorry that it's still hard for you and Cooper. :-( Hugs to you, it's never easy when your kids are upset.
I agree with having a mother's helper. Maybe have the helper come over a few times while you're there, so that both Cooper and Ben get used to her. Then, as he's more comfortable, you can start leaving for a few minutes at a time. It might be worth a shot.
Good luck! I hope that you're able to find something that works for you guys and that you're able to get an afternoon or evening out once in awhile.

Yeah I was thinking that same scenario might work. Just so it's not so foreign just all of a sudden going somewhere new. I feel like if I had started him there at 6 months it would have been easier. But of course at 6 months I couldn't imagine leaving him with strangers. So there you go.

Seattle_JiLLn · April 2011

keri1013:
I agree with the others, find a good sitter (you can place an ad on care.com), have her come several times while you're home so the boys are familiar with her, and then bite the bullet and go out. At that age (and still today if we're in an unfamiliar situation) Max did not want me out of his sight when other people were around, even to go to the bathroom. But it's good for all of you for you to get away, keep reminding yourself of that!
I would start with short periods of time and gradually increase the time you're away. If you have an experienced, confident sitter, she can handle it even if he screams the whole time. Also, maybe have a special treat that she can do as soon as you leave, like a snack he really likes but maybe doesn't get all the time. Max always gets crackers right after I drop him off at day care and I swear it's part of why the transition usually goes really well. Whatever you do, don't sneak out as I think that would definitely make things worse (not that I think you were planning to do that, just throwing it out there).
Good luck, hang in there, it will get better!

Oh yeah, I know never to sneak out.

When I left him with my friend, I left at 5 with Ben for a thing at Ben's school, so I left Cooper alone with Steve. No problem - he usually cries for 1 minute in protest and gets over it. Then I brought Ben home around 6 but didn't come in. By then my friend was there. And then Steve left, and Cooper was OK because Cooper's used to Steve leaving. So it wasn't quite a "sneak" - I just didn't add drama by coming back and leaving right away. But it worked out because it made two "easier" separations. If that makes sense. hmmm... I wonder what would happen if Steve dropped Cooper off.

WatchPot · April 2011

Does he cry the entire time you are gone? Or just for the first few minutes? If it's just for a minute I'd probably just suck it up and leave and he'd probably be fine and enjoy himself after a few minutes. I was sooo nervous about Adventures Kids but W loved it. He cried for 30 seconds and then was over it and had so much fun with the other kids and with all the new toys.

Seattle_JiLLn · April 2011

I don't even know now since I haven't tried. When we tried in September, and he was with Ben still but in a new place, he cried pretty close to the whole 1.5 hours we were gone. And it made him so beyond anxious for the rest of the trip. He wouldn't even let me get up from the dinner table without freaking out.

Nancy_Drew · April 2011

Well, I am no help since both my kids have always done well with leaving them. In fact, Audrey used to cry when I would come pick her up from daycare! Not to mention that I leave them for a week at a time, 2x a month.

I would find someone to come to you. If you can find a tween to come be a mothers helper (plus you only pay them like $5 an hour) that would be ideal. Their sole responsibility would be to entertain and play with the boys while you fold laundry, take a bath, whatever! You are there, and she plays with them. If you can get Coop comfortable with that, then move on to having someone come while you actually leave.

hugs to you! If I lived closer, I would volunteer to try to have a play date, then you leave while the boys are playing.

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