The hardest person to tell - need advice - long sorry.

CheezeFace · April 2011

This got really long. Sorry. I just thought you might want some background.

I have this friend. She is wonderful. When my life hit the skids a few years ago (huge tradegies one after the other - sudden deaths, scary illness, crappy, crappy job) she was the one person who took whatever I was dishing out that day and was like, "OK - today she is Angry Cheezeface. I can roll with that." The next day, "oh. The pretending-nothing-happened Cheeze. OK." "Oh, ok today we are drinking too much and buying inappropiate amounts of clothing at Nordstrom's? OK. Can I drive you?" She would also go with me when I decided to return my ridiclious purchases. Obviously, I had ZERO coping skills but she was the one person who didn't judge how I dealt with it. She just held my hand and walked with me. And I love her for it.

(And my dog adores her - which is huge b/c my dog has been 100% right about people so far. 11 years and furryface yet to fail me.)

FF 3.5 years and I feel like I'm pretty much back to my old self. But better. Those hard lessons learned are not going to be wasted.

So, the problem: I can't bring myself to tell her about being PG. She can't have kids. She was hit by a DD on Christmas Eve a few years ago, lost her 3month PG and now has damage beyond repair. Her husband who works with detained youth refuses to adopt. She is a primary school teacher and 5 other teachers she works with this year have gotten K/U. She has shown up to my house in tears with each one of them. Then, one of our BF's from college who swore up and down that he never wanted kids K/U'd a random hook-up from Match.com. That's when she lost it. She fell to pieces right in front of me. Now, I'm PG. I am her only remaining friend w/o kids.

I want to include her and tell her early. How do I do this gently?

(Also, she has a very real tendency to be extremely negative and I don't want her to suck my joy)

Peppernut · April 2011

You've got to tell her, but I totally see why it's so hard!

Have you considered naming her guardian or godmother? Kind of inviting her to share as much as possible, like be present at the birth, involve her in everything, so she feels less left behind?

Good luck!

kikijbunny · April 2011

She'll find out eventually, and it might hurt her if you keep it from her, seeing how close you are to her. But tell her gently, and don't expect her to be excited for you. She may come around, but give her space to not be happy about it. The hardest part will probably be finding ways to include her in your life without it centering on the pregnancy or motherhood. Other than telling her the news, I wouldn't bring it up unless she does first. But reach out to her otherwise. Peppernut's idea about appointing guardianship to her might be a great idea, if you're comfortable with that. But give her time to get used to the idea of you being pregnant first.

She may not be capable of supporting you the same way she used to, but if your dog is right, you will be able to find a way to keep her in your life!

Good luck!

BabyTG · April 2011

Just adding my two cent that I agree with the previous posters. Tell her gently and give her time. I have a friend who is also TTC but they are having unexplained problems. When we told her I know she was trying to sound excited but I knew it wasn't really there. I'm just giving her time.

Punter2009 · April 2011

Agree with all previous posts. It will be hard but youhave to tell her, and dont expect too much from her- although you never know

I dont know if id go as far as inviting her to the birth to make up for her feelings though.

mcwhittaker · April 2011

I have a similar situation.

My best friend through high school is turning 40 in July. She and her finance have been trying to conceive for awhile. She's gone to infertility specialists and the prognosis doesn't look good.

He doesn't really want kids, so he's just fine with the status quo. She's got baby fever and it's killing her that she hasn't been able to get pregnant.

She lives a few hours away now, and I don't get to see her that often anymore. Last summer we spent the day with some of her visiting family at the theme parks and she just cooed over every baby she saw. I told her that she could always adopt, but if her s/o doesn't want kids, maybe it's for the best. I tried to convince her that having kids isn't the only way to find fulfillment in life, which was really how I felt, as someone that was infertile and not even trying to get pregnant.

Fast forward 4 months and here I am unintentionally pregnant. My doctors had put me on Metformin for insulin resistance, but failed to mention that it causes ovulation in women with PCOS. Our birth control failed, and well, here we are.

I don't know who was harder to tell, my husband (who also didn't want kids), or my friend.

She spends a lot of time socializing and traveling so we don't talk often, and when we do, I don't usually mention the baby. She always asks, and I just tell her things are fine.

We were supposed to spend some time together during Christmas break, but she again had a lot of family here, and 'never got a chance' to call me. I didn't want to press her. I don't know if it's her seeing me pregnant that stings, or seeing me pregnant AND miserable LOL. It's easier to dream about how awesome pregnancy would be when you don't see someone suffering through a bad one.

Just be as gentle as you can, without hurting her pride. Pity is a horrible thing to a proud woman, and I don't know how your friend is in the pride department. Give her space but also let her know that she's welcome to be part of the experience.

Try not to take it personally if she distances herself, sometimes it's salt in a wound and has to be healed in it's own time.

Good Luck

SoBlessed2011 · April 2011

Yes that is a tough one. I agree with everyone that posted. Like the other ladies said, you do need to tell her before she finds out from someone else. Be as kind and mindful as possible. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you want to be told. Explain to her that you value her friendship, understand her history and validate her pain. Be prepared that her reaction may be distant and negative at first. She will need time to come around. Good Luck! However, know at the end of the day this is your life and your baby.