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Babies on the Brain
Husband is ready, I am not
Since I met my husband, he has always talked about children. Just the last couple weeks he keeps mentioning how ready he is to have a child; which is odd, because in prior years (6 to be exact) he would teasingly say he was ready, but this time he was quite serious.
My reason for getting married was that at the time I had an epiphany that I was getting older, I needed to settle down, and have children before I am at the age where I can't conceive. Granted, I was only 27 at the time...yes, I know, I was crazy!
Due to the fact of how our marriage started, ie: my husband admittedly living as if he were single for the first 8 months, and how he has been working 7 days a week for the last year, I have become uninterested in having children (hopefully just for the time being). I feel as though we have not LIVED life together since we got married; Life has been an uphill battle since day one.
Will I ever be ready? I use to LOVE children, and since being married, I can't stand to be around them. Encouragement ... words of wisdom ... please help!
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Re: Husband is ready, I am not
Due to the fact of how our marriage started, ie: my husband admittedly living as if he were single for the first 8 months, and how he has been working 7 days a week for the last year, I have become uninterested in having children (hopefully just for the time being). I feel as though we have not LIVED life together since we got married; Life has been an uphill battle since day one.
You don't need to be having a baby-- you need to be seeing a counselor.
Let me get this straight - you got married because you felt like you had too? Aaaand you're not really functioning as a married couple?
I'm thinking you should take baby-making off the to-do list for the indefinite future. Ditto Lib - you guys need counseling.
"When the world says, 'Give up,' Hope whispers, 'Try one more time.'" -Anonymous
If he refuses to work on your marriage, why would he want to bring kids into the mix?
"I'll gladly take cold sores over eye herpes" -ElieFin
"Unicorn glitter gives me UTIs." -Leila'sMommy
GOOD QUESTION ... and one I will ask when he decides to come home from work!
Please go to counselling and don't bring a baby into a marriage, especially if you're not sure.
You really don't realize how straining that little 3rd person can be to even a GOOD marriage.
Ditto. YH sounds like an assssssshole and quite frankly I wouldn't stay married to him. A man who "forgets he's married" for the first eight months of your marriage and refuses to seek counseling when things are rough AND you've already spent what sounds like the majority of your married relationship battling these issues? No wayinhell would I be even considering procreating with this man. He is not a role model for future children. Period.
For real.
"I'll gladly take cold sores over eye herpes" -ElieFin
"Unicorn glitter gives me UTIs." -Leila'sMommy
That, he has been, to say the least. However, what's a girl to do when you have this one belief system (for 18+ years) that divorce is not an option...unless your spouse cheats on you. We've separated before and life was hell. Hell with him and hell without him.
It often feels like I'm in some f'd-up dream and I'm all alone.
Granted, he treats me better now ... when he is home.
Ugh.
You don't want to live like this. My ILs live like this. I love them, and they can function well together, but they have been on and off like that for over FORTY years. More than half of their lives!
Ok seriously the more I hear the more I think you need to take your "belief system," shove it in a trash can, and run like hell. You really want to live the rest of your life in HELL (your words!) because you don't "believe" in divorce? Why do you think that you deserve a life like that? What on earth has happened in your past to completely destroy your self esteem and bring you down to this level? Just completely FORGET about having kids, and forget about your issues with your H for a moment. You need to go to counseling to fix YOURSELF first. I think once you do that everything will be a lot clearer.
You find a better belief system.
For argument's sake, I'll guess that you're Christian, but this advice would be a blanket reply to any marriage mandate from any religion.
You and your H took vows wherein your H promised to enter into a partnership with you and care for you. Some vows and some denominations even say that he is to be your provider and the head of your household. To act as a husband to you, not just a roommate and a tax deduction. The Christian church likens this relationship to the relationship between Christ and the church, (that is, the most sacred of relationships-- a covenant not to be broken--and that a wife is to be honored and cherished).
But if your husband has already broken that promise by ignoring you/your marriage vows/refusing to work on your marriage, then my Episcopalian priest would say that this isn't a "marriage" anymore and that you are not required to stay in a miserable relationship. Just because your H has not stuck his d!ck in another woman does not mean he cares for your relationship in the ways that are required by his vows. He's already crapped on it and is refusing to take any personal responsibility or initiative in correcting his mistakes.
It is time for you to seek personal counseling to figure out why you are ok with your belief system excusing him being a mysoginistic prick and treating you like a doormat.
I completely agree. Thanks to this lil sesh w/ "thebump," I'm confronted w/ trying to figure out what the hell is wrong w/ me that I would stick around and deal w/ his ish for so long.
Thank you.
Well put ... very well put ... and thought provoking; I couldn't agree more. Self confrontation is much more difficult than I would have thought. THANK YOU for your thoughts ... more appreciated than you could imagine.
On the road to recovery ... counselor is checking insurance coverage and appointment is being booked.
THANK YOU, LADIES!!!
Hun, I feel for you. I have always believed that divorce was not an option. Until I realized that DH and I had some major problems. I then realized that although divorce should be the last option, it needed to be an option. Thankfully when I talked with DH, he agreed to counseling. And thankfully again counseling is working. Our marriage has gone from an unhealthy environment to a healthy place where we can all grow.
But I also have two kids with DH, so I had a lot more reason to try to make this work. If your DH is unwilling to work, you need to consider finding someone who deserves you and is willing to work on your marriage.
Baby # 2 edd 11/26/08 - Ezra Jacob born 11/29/08, 9 lbs 6 oz., 21 3/4 in
Baby #3 edd 05/04/13 - Titus Jude born 05/01/13, 9 lb 5 oz. 21.5 in
That is wonderful to hear things are on the mend, and counseling is helping! I know I am not alone with this ... but oh how it helps to actually hear someone sympathize with their own story. Thankfully kids are not of concern here. Divorce has not been far from mind on so many occasions. Hopefully this counseling thing will prove helpful in our case... and Lord willing, maybe DH will jump onboard with it. One thing is for sure, I choose not to walk out until I know without a doubt that I have concerted all the effort I possibly can to make it work. God knows I've not been the easiest to live with, either, regardless of DH's actions. Thank you for your encouragement!
You should be so proud of yourself that you are wiling to seek counseling to help you with your thought process.
I used to think that divorce should not be an option unless there is abuse or infidelty. I thought that if my marriage was failing I was equally at fault and that if I just tried harder I could fix it. Including fixing all of the issues/baggage that he brought into our relationship. Although, I was not free of my own issues we had some major problems with the dynamic the two of us brought to the table. Please know that if it does come to divorce that it isn't a matter of you failing. I was lucky to have a wonderful counselor that helped me deal with those feelings and to come to the realization that it was okay to say, "I've had enough, or this isn't what I signed up for." You are human!
Luckily we didn't try to bring a child into the mix until we thought our issues were resolved and felt solid in our relationship . I ended up having a miscarriage and it completely tore us apart, we were NOT ready. It was heartbreaking to think that we had come so far and something tragic was able to unravel us so easily. Trust what everyone is saying when they say that the entire part of having a child/pregnancy will test you.
I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you're listening to these ladies and will be going to counseling. I grew up with parents in a "marriage" like yours. The only reason my mother agreed to kids was because she thought it would fix things. It was hell for us. We grew up watching my father neglect us and my mother, and were told from the earliest I can remember that he loved us so much he worked to put a roof over our heads, and had to use up all his love on the kids at school that he taught, so there was none left for us, and to leave him alone when we saw him.
I lost my faith because of my parent's marriage. Does God want you, two committed Christians, to work together in a biblical manner to come to an understanding in your marriage that brings honor to Him? Of course. Does this mean, that if one partner does not, that you become a doormat, lose your sense of self worth, and are nothing more than the other half of your partner's marriage? Hell to the no. And don't EVER bring kids into that mix. They'll escape more damaged than you, because they are children, and have nothing previous in their lives to base their worldview off of.
PP's are right, you need to worry about your marriage first. If you two can come to an agreement, and have a healthy marriage, THEN you can find time to figure out when to bring kids to the mix. Do remember though that if he is refusing to work on anything, and has turned away from God, that makes you unequally yoked. It's not cheating, but it is grounds for divorce or anullment through the church in some instances. I truly hope you find peace one way or the other.