4 months PP - depressed as ever! (a little venty)

I haven't posted here since I was PG and my little girl was born on 11/18. So I am sorry for how venty this post will probably seem. I feel like an absolutley miserable human being. Things have been abysmal, at best, since I went on maternity leave in November. My husband has been less than supportive all along. This pregnancy was a major oops and he reminds me of that everyday. He chose to take part of his "paternity leave" before DD was even born so that he could go snowboarding and when I got back from the hospital he didn't want to help with anything because he didn't want to "ruin his vacation." Needless to say I ripped my stitches trying to keep house, do all the laundry and cooking in those first few days and it still honestly hurts to have sex.

About one month after DD was born DH was offered a promotion in Seattle (4 hours away from where we were living) I wasn't really given a choice, it was pretty much we move or else we are going to go broke since I was just "chilling at home with the baby rather than working." So when I was one month PP I had to pack up our entire house while DH was at work so that we could move. Yes, he is making more money, but we are now 4 hours away from my mom and my friends. I have no family or friends here. I have joined meetup groups but haven't made any connections.

 I just feel so depressed and alone all the time!! The doctors here are all so naturalist that they just tell me that I need to pull through and that it is the stress of the move that has got me down, but I feel that I have been sucked into a dark place. I am alone with DD in the apartment all the time. DH works 12 hours a day and feels that he needs to workout for another 2 hours per day because he is in the fitness business. I am alone with the baby from 7am - 8pm M-F with no help. DH wants me to get a job, but I feel so guilty about leaving the baby at home with a sitter when we can afford for me to be a stay home. Also I am expected to keep the house clean and cook breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don't know how I would juggle working and taking care of all the domestic duties. DH says he will help around the house if I get a job, but I know he won't ...

 To further complicate things, my BIL is living with us while he "gets his feet on the ground after his divorce." Again - we live in a 2 bdrm apartment! And his 3 kids, along with my step daughter, come up to stay with us 1-2 times per month. The men leave me with all these children (5 total, all under age 7) whenever the kids come up. The kids are on spring break right now so I have had 5 children to take care of all week and I feel that I am just at the end of my rope!!!! I don't want the kids touching DD, I don't want BIL touching DD because he smokes and DH makes me feel like I am a terrible person because of it.

I am just feeling so alone and awful all the time. I have cried every day for the last 4 months, I haven't slept more than 2 hours because even when DD does sleep, which is very rare, I am so overwhelmed with anxiety that I cannot sleep. I get horrible anxiety attacks that cause me to have heart palpations and black out for a few seconds, and DH and my doctor tell me that it is all in my head. I have never been an emotional person until now. I was always the happy cheerleader type and now I am just so depressed, anxious and moody.

DH tells me I need to snap out of it, get over it, etc ... I feel like I have gotten better since DD was first born, but I am still so down all the time. I miss my family and friends, my old body and my old life. I contemplate leaving all the time, just packing up DD and going far far away from all this but I know I could never afford to and I know that it is better for DD for DH and I to be together.

I know this must seem like such a whiney post. I am lucky to have a healthy baby girl and food on the table, but I am just SO depressed all the time. I can't seem to climb out of this hole and I do not know what to do. Not sure why I am even posting. It does feel good to get this all out in writing. Any non judgemental advice is much welcomed. It took a lot for me to write this, I haven't spoken to anyone but DH and the kids in a long time ...