For those who had a csection then a natural vbac...(long)
LTMann
member
I had a csection this past October, unplanned. My husband is a chiropractor therefore very pro birth centers/home births...no drugs. And I wanted to avoid a c-section at all costs as my mom had 3 due to uterine deformity that completely prevented vaginal birth. So we found an AMAZING birth center and I received all my care there and planned for a natural/drug free birth there. We took bradley classes and felt completely prepared/excited!!! I wanted so badly to experience it. Well about 30 weeks we learned my daughter was breech...we tried everything, moxibustion, acupuncture, webster technique (my husband is certified in this), inversion, headstands in pools, etc. Except manual version...I felt someone was telling me that we shouldn't try that one... Well she wouldn't budge!! I hit full term and we were referred to an O.B. We learned little lady was feet down and they told us that it would be risky to wait for labor to begin...if my water broke we might only have minutes to get her out as we risked her feet/cord coming out first. If she was frank breech (her butt would plus the exit) we would be safe to wait for labor to begin to give her every opportunity to turn. Well I was to scared of my water breaking at home and risking cord prolapse among other things. We had the csection. Turns out the doctor inspected my uterus and found that I have a bicornuate uterus with a partial septum. Little lady's head was trapped up in one side and it literally was impossible for her to turn. Along with this they think she stopped growing around 35 weeks as she ran out of room, she was born at 5lbs 7 oz. My risk for future breech babies is 50-60%.
Well anyways...I'm having a hard time dealing with the csection...I feel like my brain was "programmed" big time for a natural drug free birth and I was completely cheated. I wanted skin to skin...I didn't want the cord cut so quickly...I didn't want her taken away and suctioned/cleaned/weighed/poked. I wanted my husband to catch her when she came out...I don't want to have to look at this scar...I don't want to have another c-section (my mom bled on her 3rd one and we almost lost her) as I'm deeply fearful of them. I know this sounds like I'm whinning and that I need to just get over it but I'm sad sometimes... I feel like I have missed out on something...like something is missing.... I watched the Business of Being Born and they say at the end of the film that there is a lack of love when it comes to csections....and that there is basically a "love cocktail" when you have a vaginal birth..body's release of hormones during childbirth, ensuring the mother's bond with her newborn. This makes me feel like maybe something is missing between my daughter and I. I know this might sound ridiculous but I feel as though the mothers who had natural childbirth maybe have a deeper connection to their child, more love for them. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my daughter to death and I am so grateful for her health and mine....I know that things could be alot worse....but I can't help but feel like something is missing....
so I ask to those women that have had a vbac...how different was it from the csection..emotionally? Did you feel cheated the first go around? Am I crazy for feeling like something is missing in me right now?
Re: For those who had a csection then a natural vbac...(long)
I wanted to add that I would also see about surgery to correct to uterus. I know it sounds scary, but since it's at the top & just a small portion, I would look into a corrective surgery. If this is not a viable option for you, I would have a "plan" for your next c/s, if your next LO is breech (we have a few on the VBAC board).
Also, I would speak with someone who specializes in PPD & birth trauma. Though your c/s was scheduled, it was still traumatic, etc, b/c you were "robbed" of your natural birth. I'm not saying you have PPD, but you really need to sort through your feeling before they get out of hand. I had a very hard time w/my delivery (also an emergent c/s, and I took it very hard b/c I work L&D), and I didn't go through with it. I spent a lot of time & energy worrying and dealing instead of enjoying my new baby.
Trevor Calvin 12.10.07 7:26pm 7lbs2.5oz 19.75in
Emerson Claire 07.07.11 11:34am 7lbs7oz 20.5 in
oh mama, HUGS. you are not alone in the way you feel.
i had a c/s in 2006. i was completely devastated. i finally found my way out shortly before ttc #2 in 2009. yup, it took almost 3 years.
i had a wonderful vbac with #2 at home, in water. Here is a link to my birth story. ironically, i had zero bonding issues with my c/s baby, but i did not feel like i bonded well (in the beginning) with my hbac baby. strange. i felt an immediate mother bear protective urge with my c/s baby - maybe bc i felt guilty and ashamed and sad for him for the way he was born. with my hbac baby, i kind of thought ...hmmm, you came out the way you were supposed to. you're good. you don't need me. make sense?
since #2's birth, i have changed careers so that i can a) help other women who are where I was and b) help prevent them from getting there in the first place.
suggestions for you:
- find your closest ICAN chapter and reach out to the leaders, attend a meeting, identify the birth professionals associated with the chapter.
- talk talk talk to someone! i promise it will help to know that you are not the only one feeling this sadness and sense of loss. a birth professional can help you process your feelings and find healing so that you can mourn your loss appropriately and move on with your life. you don't want to take that sadness wtih you any more in your motherhood journey. trust me.
- it helped me immensely to start researching provider options who were competent and willing to attend me at home for the next baby. i started researching this before my baby was 1 and we didn't plan to ttc until he was at least 2. but the knowledge that i could try again at home was so healing. in your case, i would research the pros/cons of breech vaginal birth. most OBs are not trained in breech vaginal birth, which is why they run you straight to the OR. it is not, however, an inherently risky way to birth. you just need someone experienced in breech vaginal birth. look for MWs in your area who do this. they are out there. i paid OOP for my MW and it was SOOOOO worth it to have the birth that I had the second time.
perhaps since your husband is a chiro and you did so much preparation, your baby just needed to be born this way so that you could learn a life lesson. look at this as an opportunity to learn something new about yourself, accomplish a goal, appreciate your life's objectives. when i started looking at the c/s this way, a whole new world opened up to me. i couldn't be happier with my life now and i would not have reached this zenith had it not been for my son's surgical birth.
feel free to contact me any time. i'm always available for a mama in need.
I did feel big time cheated when I was sectioned. (breech baby also) We had Bradley classes, every natural birth book I could get my hands on I devoured, I did everything to try to get baby in a good birthing position and she just wasn't moving.
It's possible to get a lot of what you want out of a c section though. So, even if you have more babies and sections, it's possible for you to take control and get the kind of birth you want, even if it's not the vaginal part. check out this article - https://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2005/dec/03/health.medicineandhealth
With my 2nd child, I homebirthed. Labor was 36 hours and when it was all over I felt like I still hadn't gotten what I really wanted. yes, I'd gotten my vaginal birth that I'd fought so hard for, but I really didn't feel empowered or joyful. I felt like, wow, well, I did it....now what? I thought I'd have a euphoric feeling and a rush of wonderful birth hormones and I really didn't at all. I did with my 3rd! Which was also a homebirth, but not with my 2nd.
Sometimes, there ARE legitimate reasons for sections. Take control and try to make your sections as natural and gentle and the way you want them as possible. But first, process your previous birth. It's ok to grieve the loss of your ideas and desires and what you had wanted to happen. Being able to move on and make new plans starts with that.