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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Devastated...and dreading doc appt & telling people :-(
Hello all,
I'm so incredibly sad to be posting here-- I really just discovered I was miscarrying this morning, although I was worried about it all day yesterday because of some symptoms. I only found out I was pregnant a little more than a week ago and I was so happy and excited, but I also felt very worried and had a "bad feeling." I figured it was just normal anxiety, but now I almost feel like I knew ahead of time that it wouldn't last. It sounds so horrible and pessimistic, but I just couldn't help feeling it was too good to be true. My husband and I had been trying to conceive since October and this would have been our first child. I think I was about 5 wks along...
Anyway, I am struggling right now with trying to accept that this is actually happening, so the thought of having to go to the doc on Monday (I talked to the midwife this morning and she said I should go in asap) fills me with such dread. I'm really afraid of not being able to keep my composure, even though I already know that the baby is gone. I'm also really overwhelmed with thinking about all the people (extended family and a few friends) who we just recently told. I had thought about waiting to announce it, but then figured that I was just being pessimistic and I should try to enjoy it and be happy. Now I wish I had listened to my gut feelings-- I have never been so distraught and I just wish I could go hide in a cave for a few months. :-(
I can barely have a conversation right now without breaking down and I don't know what to do about interacting with others (at the doc office and with telling people the bad news). Please help me with some suggestions and advice about how I can handle these difficult encounters... Thanks in advance for your help.
BFP #1: 3/23/11 natural m/c: 4/1/11 @ 5 wks 5 d Taking a break from TTC to sort out health issues and finish grad school...
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." -- Frank Herbert
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Re: Devastated...and dreading doc appt & telling people :-(
I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very painful experience as we all know here but this board is full of wonderful women and I am glad that you are reaching out for support in your time of need.
I have a ton of experience with the "untelling" as we had to tell everyone just two days after announcing our daughter's birth. Immediately, we just called the moms and they spoke with the rest of our family. As far as friends, we pretty just ignored all phone and email and facebook for the first day. And then, at a moment I was feeling strong, I sat down with a cup of coffee and composed a page long word document describing the experience and inviting any and all to the service we held for her. I did massive infomal email.
I think the most important thing I can tell you is that you just lost your child: you do not need to be composed, "keep it together," or worry about making others feel uncomfortabe. Concentrate on getting yourself healthy and healing again. Let others know if there is anything they can do to help.
Lots of hugs to you, I'll be praying for your strength in these coming days
I'm so sorry for your loss. This is the hardest and most emotional thing we have ever gone through. My H called his mom and brother to untell them and I called my parents. We told everyone else via email and text. It's been 3 weeks and I still haven't talked to anyone on the phone. I'm not ready for that. And as hard as it was to have to send that email and those texts, the support from our friends has been overwhelming. My only advice would be to not try to be composed. Let the feelings come out and let the tears flow. And I think most of all, give yourself time to grieve. This board saved my sanity and I hope it helps you through this as it has me.
Hugs to you.
♥BFP #1 "Spawn"- 02/23/11 | EDD: 11/01/11 | natural m/c 03/20/11 @7w5d♥
♥BFP #2 "Offspring"- 11/10/12 | EDD: 07/25/13 | incomplete m/c 12/14/12 @8w1d | D&C 12/21/12♥
♥BFP #3 "Progeny" - 02/16/15 | It's a BOY!! | EDD: 10/17/15 | BD: 10/23/15♥
All AL Always Welcome
I suffered my loss at 18 weeks and had announced my pregnancy at 12 weeks. I couldn't bear to tell each individual person that I had lost our baby. I had my dad break the news to family, my BIL broke the news to some others. I broke the news to my dh and my close friends. Everyone else I did via FB.
If there's anyone in your family that you trust will break the news for you, I'd recommend it. It made it a little easier for me. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
As for your doc, they've seen it all so don't worry too much or beat yourself up if you have a break down at the office.
Thanks so much to all of you for your support and condolences-- I really appreciate your heart-felt messages. I never imagined how much this could hurt after finding out so early on and having a briefer attachment than many of you. My heart goes out to all of you too and I'm so sorry to hear how much you all have suffered with your losses too. It's so painful no matter how far along you are and I guess I was a little surprised at how strong my reaction has been (at 5 wks or so) -- I feel like I'm still in shock, honestly.
I find myself going from crying to feeling numb/depressed to being really angry and I can't believe I even have any tears left after breaking down continually all throughout the day. I feel so traumatized by this and it makes me so scared about trying again in the future (even though I know I want to at some point when I feel ready).
One thing I am very grateful for is my amazing husband who has been trying to comfort and console me and has been there for me 100%. I don't feel like I will ever "get over" this completely, but I will eventually heal and find some peace, just as one does with any death of a loved one. I will always remember this, even when (God willing) I have more children someday.
Thanks again for your help and guidance as I grieve this loss...
PS-- Andrea, believe it or not I am actually from New Paltz and I see you're from Poughkeepsie. Do you have any suggestions for finding local support groups? I don't know if I would ever go, but it would be good to know if there are resources like that around here. Thanks
I am so sorry for your loss. I too had a gut feeling that something was wrong. I even thought to myself three days before our second u/s that I wasn't pregnant anymore. The nurses and doctors were incredibly compassionate and offered great insight into what we will be experiencing both now and whenever we choose to try to conceive again. I still break into tears several times a day but I figure that is a good thing so that I can fully experience the pain, the loss, the grieving, and hopefully try to heal at some point. I would agree with the PPs, that you don't need to keep your composure. Let it out and let yourself feel the emotions so that you can fully grieve, and fully heal.
It is TOTALLY ok to cry at the Dr.'s office. Really.
It gets easier. I had a d&c about 5 weeks ago, and I am in way better shape now than I thought I would be. Still a mess, but much less of a mess, and a lot more capable of dealing with things.
Hugs to you.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. We found out last Friday the devastating news that we lost our first baby. I would've been 13 weeks. I struggled with telling people. We only told our parents and our boss (to explain why we weren't gonna be in) the first day. However, I did find that in talking to people it does become easier. The more you talk to people the more you find out that you are not alone and that others have also experienced it. Finding support in your family and close friends will be helpfull. Let them help when you want it, and also let them know when you need your time. Take the time to grieve with your husband. It is definitely hard. Hang in there. Big hugs
Aw, hi neighbor. I haven't looked into local support groups because this board has been so great. There may be something that your doctor's office or the local hospital could recommend. This board has saved me and my sanity and I hope that we can help you as you go through your grieving process. And I hope you're able to enjoy the sun today.
My heart is as open as the sky.
Read about it on the blog
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.