Need advice on BF/ Half-Sibling Confusion
SS is 10 and his BM just unexpectedly had a baby three weeks ago with only 1 weeks notice for SS. It has become apparent that there is no father in the picture and BM does not explain anything to SS. She told him babies come from God. We suspect the father might be an ex-bf and she told SS he moved away last year, then she recently told SS the ex had lied to her about moving and he was in jail (we don't think he was). She never had any sort of birds and bees talk with SS and when SS asked BM what sex was, she told him he was too young to know, so DH had that discussion with him fairly recently. This is also the woman that told SS DH was dead and never told DH she was pg, so we didn't find out SS existed until he was 7.
SS is so confused and inititally thought DH was the baby's father. DH has tried explaining how half-siblings work, as we are having a baby soon, too. SS keeps making comments about his brother getting to come and visit us too, and that his brother looks like him and DH. Part of the confusions is that his brother doesn't have a father that he knows of, SS has obviously had a lot of unexpected changes in the past few weeks and who knows what BM is telling him. I think the other part of it is that he does understand, but he doesn't want to believe it because he really wants to be one big happy family with his dad and both of his new brothers.
SS rarely cries and was in tears about it this morning and was asking questions. DH doesn't know how to explain it any better than he has. We never say anything negative about BM in front of SS. Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this and what suggestions do you have? Do you know of any good books that will help explain this? I looked online, but it seems like we need a weird combo between different types of families and where babies come from...
Re: Need advice on BF/ Half-Sibling Confusion
That poor kid.
I'm no expert on talking to kids about sex - we're not quite there yet! I'd just keep explaining in simple terms the best you can and be patient. Sounds like he'll need an explanation more than once since he's been so worked over with bad/confusing info.
You could also tell him it's okay to be confused and that what he's dealing with are very adult issues. Make sure he doesn't feel bad about not knowing or understanding everything that's been going on.
My SD was 5 when her first half-sibling (on her Mom's side) was born. She'd been told since she was 2 that her Mom's boyfriend was also her Daddy--she had 2 Daddies. Because of this, she was REALLY confused when her brother was born and had the same thoughts as your SS--that the baby was going to come stay with us when she came to visit. She actually got mad because I wasn't preparing a nursery for her baby brother to come stay in. She believe that if she had 2 Daddies, then so would her brother. We never had a birds and bees talk because of her age but we just talked about how kids only have one mommy and one daddy who help to create them and sometimes step-parents come and help take care of kids when that mommy and daddy are no longer together. But eventually the only thing that worked was BM having that same conversation with her because BM had been telling her for years that her boyfriend was SD's daddy too and SD was just not going to believe us that her mother wasn't telling an exact truth.
Just keep reaffirming, kindly, what you've already said to you SS. he'll get it eventually.
This.
We had similar convo with my SS and SD who are now 8 and 9 (were 7 and 8 when LO was born).
basically this is what we said, without getting to graphic about the sex talk: "Babies are made by a mom and dad when the mom and dad love each other very much. Sometimes, the mom and dad decide later that they don't want to live together anymore, and sometimes they fall in love with other people (which is where us step parents come in). Follow me so far?" and they agreed they understood that part, and then we went on to say "And sometimes, when the mom and dad are with new people, they decide to make babies with the new person. So, now, you and your baby sister will share a daddy, but have different mommies."
I'm really sorry your SS is so confused. Hope this helps.
Thanks for the advice. DH drew SS a family tree like diagram with stick figures of all of us and how we are related and he seemed to understand it better. DH has also explained to him that every baby has a mommy and a daddy, his brother just has a different daddy. We definitely don't want to make SS feel bad about it, so we will probably just let SS absorb all of these changes and talk about it when he brings it up again. It would be ideal if BM could help him understand, but she seems to live in her own special reality and I feel like if we asked her to help she would purposefully say the opposite of what we are saying and confuse SS more (just based on awful things she has said to SS in the past).
Just to explain - I didn't think you were making him feel bad about it, just that he might be frustrated. I know when my boys have encountered some tough BF questions it seemed to help them relax a little to let them know that their anxiety was coming in part from having to try to understand things that were very adult issues and that it was okay that it all seemed confusing.
Great idea on the family tree!
We actually helped SD draw 2 family trees (of her Dad's side and her Mom's side) and she hung them both on her bedroom door.
Great idea on the family tree!
We actually helped SD draw 2 family trees (of her Dad's side and her Mom's side) and she hung them both on her bedroom door.