Adoption

Foster parents: did you want to adopt?

Found out today there is only a "small chance" our foster son will be reuniting with his family. And we're not sure we would want to adopt.

Foster families - did you ever feel this way about a child in your care? Did it turn around for you? If so, when?

My heart feels differently toward my bio daughter than my foster son. He's only been here 2 months...but still, I wasn't preparing myself to be his adoptive mother. I nuture him, I care for him, I teach him...but he is not mine.

Thanks for your real-world advice and sharing common struggles.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Re: Foster parents: did you want to adopt?

  • I think it is very common and natural for you to feel the way you do.  For me, I wanted to adopt.  Not at first, but as soon as that first little bundle of joy was placed in my home...yes.  BUT.  They warned us not to get attached because the goal for the kids was to return home.  In the event they didnt, they would seek out an adoptive home for the child.  We had four foster kids who left t either go home or be with family before DS came into the picture.  After we adopted him, we closed our home to try to have bio kids.  We were diagnosed with infertility, and we decided to go the foster to adopt route again.  they warned us again about the reunification being the primary goal.  I understand that, but I am hoping and waiting for the day a child comes that we DO get to adopt.  Now, our first foster son this go around was a 3.5 y/o little boy.  As much as a loved him, I would not have adopted him.  He has three siblings, and it would just be too much for us to adopt all of them.  Now, if it were just him I may have looked at it differently.  We then had two babies, one 8 months old, who I would have adopted.  He went to live with his grandma.  Then we had a 22 month old, and I would have adopted him too, but he had a sibling, and again, I would not be able to adopt both.  They went to live with the grandfather.  Tonight they are supposed to bring us a 16 mo old.  We are waiting to hear back if they still need a placement.  Ill tell you tomorrow how I feel about that one, but apparently, there is a grandmother who wants to take custody of him, so he will probably only be with us for a couple of days because there is another court hearing on thursday.

    From my understanding, foster parents are licensed to do just that...foster the kids until either a. they return home, or b. a forever family is found.  foster to adopt homes are their to adopt the children in the system and are matched with kids who are already available for adoption.  So, if the childs parents rights are terminated, they would move to find an adoptive home for him, and probabl ask you to faciliate visitation and the transition to the home.  It is not at all wrong that you do not want to adopt him.  If you did express interest in adopting him, you would probably be the one to adopt him.

    Our situation is a little emotionally invested with the kids tho because of our infertility.  We know we want another one and we just are getting antsy for it to happen.

    GL!

    Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Premature Baby tickers Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image
  • If the opportunity to adopt ever comes available, without a doubt, we will do it for baby Snarkles. 

    We have no other children and haven't tried...

    I was driving home from work one day when I started thinking about how much I WANT this baby to be ours and I started freaking out-

    thinking I'd never have the same mad craving, of WANTING, for them that I have for Snarkles. 

    In reality, we're going to be able to love ANY and ALL children that we have the opportunity to. It's just our nature.  

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  • DD was our first foster child and the only child in our home- and she was placed with us because they pretty much knew it was going to adoption. From minute one- she was my child- and I knew we were adopting her, somehow someway I knew she was our forever baby. I never thought of her as anything else other then ours. Could have been a disaster if reunification would have happened, but it didn't and she will be offically our forever daughter very very soon.

    I think it's natural when you go into foster care it to hold back a piece of your heart, espically because you have another child in your home, so not only are you protecting your feelings, but those of your other child. We don't have any bio children so I don't know any other way to love a child then the way we love DD.

    However, if you are saying he is not "yours" now- do you think those feelings would ever change? If you chose to adopt him if that opportunity presented itself would you change your feelings towards him? I think you need to think that, because if you adopt him, he is yours and just as much a part of your family as your biological child.

    Our Journey from two to three! 3 IUI's, 2 IVF's, decided to move to foster/adopt. 12/24/2009 Baby C born, 2/1/2010 placed with us, 5/17/2011 Adoption final- we are finally a forever family! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • We've had 8 placements (counting our two boys). We've wanted to adopt them all. The first 3 were reunified with family (the first with her mother and then boy/girl with an aunt in Mexico). We had a placement of 3 girls that they asked us to adopt, but they asked at the wrong time because I had just became the mother of then 5 children - 3 girls and 2 boys (the youngest being 6 weeks old/preemie in the home for 2 weeks). I was sleep deprived, wasn't thinking clearly and was overwhelmed with the new life of being a mother of 5. We did change our mind, but it was too late and they were sent to live with an aunt in South Dakota, 7 months after our initial decision. I live daily with guilt and regret because they are back with people that they shouldn't be living with, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I will say that our first 6 months with the 3 girls were the toughest ever, but looking back, I wouldn't change it because I love those girls!
  • At 2 months in, i wasnt sure.  I loved the kids dearly, but i was in shock adjusting to life with them and we were dealing with some exhausting behavior issues.  I daydreamed constantly about my life pre-kids and wondered if I had made a huge mistake.

    Fast forward to where we are now (16.5 months in care) and i absolutely want to adopt them.  It will kill me if we dont get to.

  • FloridaMom - thanks for not judging me. I really appreciate your comments. I used to think I would accept and love any child that came through my door, unconditionally. These last 2 years of fostering have changed my mind. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it is true. I am coming to realize I cannot be a mother to all children.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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