Would you be offended by this
I love my FH with all of my heart and am so happy that he has a grandmother still living and has her wits about her at the ripe young age of 92 and he is 36.
She has a lot of old school ideas on life in general (hates tattoos, piercings, girls with short hair-all of which describe me). She also has a lot of influence over FH as she and his grandpa practically raised him. For example, we've lived together since September and she has no clue. She is so important to FH and I TOTALLY respect that, so much so that FH didn't live with his ex wife before they were married because he knew his grandma would've had a cow (I can only imagine her shock if the baby we were pregnant with back in October wouldn't have miscarried-lol).
Anyway, around Thanksgiving, we took FSD on a carriage ride at a local mall and had a picture taken. It was an adorable picture and our first "family" photo, so I had several copies made and sent one to his grandmother with a handwritten note saying hello and asking how she was doing, along with explaining the photo and that we thought she'd like to have one for her family collection she has at her assited living apartment.
Well I mailed the photo in January and she even called FH to tell him thanks for the photo a couple days after I'd mailed it so we know she received it, but last week when we took FSD over to see her, the picture was no where to be found. She has an entire door dedicated to family photos and ours isn't up there, the door isn't anywhere close to being covered so that's not a reason for it not to be up there.
It really hurt my feelings, I won't lie. I feel like because we aren't married yet I am not a valid part of FH's life, in her eyes, not his. Also, FH's ex wife is a hair dresser and she does hair at the assisted living place his grandma lives and her styling area is right across the hall from his grandma's room. I think I've shared before that FH's ex got married again in November and his family, parents and grandma, still ask about her everytime we see them. How is she, what's she doing, how's her salon, blah blah blah. Again, making me feel like I'll never meet their expectations, especially after the miscarriage, if I can't give them grandkids I'm an UBER failure and not good enough for their son/grandson.
Anyways, FH asked me why I didn't ask her about it. He said to play dumb and ask if she got it. Like I said, she doesn't know we live together, so she wouldn't know that I was sitting next to him on the couch when she called to thank him for it.He said that harboring bad feelings isn't going to get me anywhere when I said I'd just stay home when he took FSD to see her because honestly, from the comments she's made and now the whole photo thing, I honestly do not feel welcome in her home. My mother raised me not to be somewhere I wasn't wanted and I will admit I'm being a little selfish and I don't want to go where I'm going to constantly hear about FH's ex wife all the while getting no recognition for being a part of his life now.
I'm not sure if things will improve when we are married or not, and I know I've rambled a LOT and I am sorry and I appreciate you letting me vent, and I guess what I took forever to say, is would you be upset by this or just let it go?
Thanks
Re: Would you be offended by this
I probably would be offended, but I don't think I would say anything. She is old - she may have left it somewhere and not thought to put it up.
I am sorry you feel like you will never be good enough for his family - I hope that's not the case. If it is really bothering you, I would have HIM talk to his family when you are not there and make them understand that you two are together, you are staying together, and you are his valid partner who he loves and expects to be treated accordingly. He has to be willing to stick up for you.
Thanks so much. Glad I am not being BSC over it. He has offered to talk to them and tell them that the constant ex talk and wedding photos still up in their house are hurtful to not only me but him as well, but they have a good relationship with her and live in the same town so it benefits FSD so I've told him it isn't necessary but if it continues after the wedding I think I'll take him up on it for my own peace of mind. Thanks again.
Why didn't FH ask where the picture was? I'd just presume she hadn't put it up yet and let it go.
I don't think I would be offended by her not putting the picture up. Maybe next time you go visit, bring another copy of the picture and offer to hang it for her? At 92 years old, who knows what is going on in her mind and I just think it is better to just sort of go with the flow with her, because she won't change her ways or how she views things.
I think it is pretty normal for family and even close friends to ask how an ex is doing, especially if they are all still on good terms. It is something you need to accept, going into a blended family. I think the first 6 months of dating my husband all his family did was talk about his ex's with me, but it was more of talking crap about them, I'll admit, at first I was interested, just because I was getting an idea of what they (yes, he has two ex's he has kids with) were like. But it did get old, pretty fast!
There are two separate issues here.
First, asking about the Ex. Well, this woman is the mother to her great grandchild(ren). If she is doing well, then they are doing well. If your FH has a decent enough relationship with her to have an idea of what is going on, that is a great indicator to both HIS and the Children;s well being (not to mention maturity and empathy levels). All things a parent wants to know about their kids.
So let this one go.
Second, the picture. Even if this were an old school nod to the fact that you are nto married yet, there are many other reasons why it may not be up.
Given today's statistics of divorce, even marriages are not permanent, so many of the "older" generation wont accept you as family until there is a legal/religious binding. And to be honest, I sort of lean that way myself. And since your FH doesnt have the balls to let her know that you are living together, not just engaged, how is this a FAMILY Photo yet? You are not family.
I am NOT knocking your commitment, but I am also not knocking his grandmother's POSSIBLE view on your relationship.
And to be honest, who is to say that it has anything to do with YOU. It could be that she doesnt like this picture for some reason. I know that I get TONS of "adorable" pictures of my niece and nephew and I only have ONE up. Why, because I think my Nephew looks HORRID in every single shot. I love him to pieces, but he does not take a great photo. Why would I want to look at this picture that makes me go ewww...
Or maybe, since you are NOT married yet, your FGMIL may not want this "family picture" up infront of the mother of her grandchild?
Or maybe she hasnt recieved it yet? Or maybe she misplaced it.
Who knows, but you seem to be making more out of this than it really is. As long as YOU are satisfied in your relationship, then who cares if this little old biddy has your picture on the wall or not. Since your FH cant be bothered to be honest with her to begin with, what does it really matter>
As always, Illumine makes fantastic points. She's a genius, I tell you.
Most people have been where you are right now with their future in-laws at some point. I think you are taking it too personally. To make yourself feel better, you could always just say that she's old and take it with a grain of salt.
It's probable that she did not intentionally leave this picture off of her door. However, if she did, then in her eyes you are still the girlfriend/fiance. And you are. You aren't married yet. She knows her grandson has been through one marriage already. Every thought she is just being a bit cautious on getting attached to the next Future Mrs. or displaying you to everyone as her granddaughter-in-law? After all, you are not anything in law yet.
And she has no idea how serious you and your FI are anyway because he is not being truthful about his relationship to her.
Another note... I would follow this route, regardless of this particular photo incident. He is divorced. His family needs to let go of it. Wonderful that everyone has a good relationship. But it is not conducive for your FI to grow as a person in new endeavors (you or otherwise).
I'm with GGM on this one. As far as she is concerned you are not important enough to your bf for him to make you part of the family (ie marry you) so why hang your pic with the family photo's. We know that is not true BUT she does not.
My MIL was diligent about the fact the if you were not married you were not in family photo's. Thank god. That means DH ex is not in any of the family photos hanging in MILs house.
BTW my in laws ask ME all the time about BM. They know that I openly chat with SS about her, how she is etc. so they ask me. I'm big and bold enough to answer their Q's without going to pieces. Everyone wants BM to prosper and do well in life because SS lives with her. If she is in good health, employed and has a roof over her head then they know SS is safe. Realistically I don't think they give a rats azz about her.
There was something in your post that made me wince, I'm going to have to post this and go back and re read.
Again, making me feel like I'll never meet their expectations, especially after the miscarriage, if I can't give them grandkids I'm an UBER failure and not good enough for their son/grandson.
This. Do they even know about the miscarriage? (sorry to hear about that BTW).
Honestly you sound every insecure in yourself. An UBER failure - really? That's a tad dramatic in my opinion.
You make his family sound like completely hateful people, judging you because you miscarried??? If that's true then my advice is to run for the hill's DO NOT marry into that kind of crap.
Did you get any counseling after the miscarriage? I am sure it was very traumatic and I think this statement is a reflection of how YOU are feeling - not them.
I am going to guess you are pretty young. I am not being snarky but if, in your opinion, them asking about BM = they don't respect me for miscarrying then I think your thought process is a little clouded and you might need counseling for your own well being.
I didn't tell him about it until we'd left because I didn't want to cause a scene or anything so he didn't even notice.
Thanks for your comments. I agree with you.
Again, very valid and good points. thanks for commenting.
Couldn't agree more with you. I'm hoping after our wedding they'll be taken down and in al fairness the ones with the ex wife in them aren't up but we are having a courthouse wedding so it won't be the formal photos like before, but at least, hopefully, they'll be put away.
Thanks for this. It truly makes me feel better.
Look, we are not bashing you. And we have had those "arg" moments. Thats what so great about this board. BECAUSE we have all been there, we can spot those "you need to let it go / get a grip" moments and are able to point them out.
Though I DO think that your FH needs to have a full on conversation with his grandmother. Honesty is important.
Oh no. I TOTALLY didn't think anyone was bashing me at all. I wouldn't have asked a question like the one I did if I all I wanted was puppies and rainbows!
I genuinely mean it when I thanked each and every poster individually. I OFTEN need help with my perspective as I don't have kids of my own and I've never dated anyone who does or has the family dynamic that FH does.
I truly, truly thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for their words as I know everyone on here has their own issues to deal with. I hope I can grow as a Future Wife and Step Mom and be able to contribute so well eventually as well.
Forgot to hit on this, I have to say I've been on board with his decision on this just because I didn't see a need to ruffle feathers or cause any drama, but I understand what you and other posters said now and I will talk with him about it just to see what his feelings are on it.