mother in law

kateebrooks78 · March 2011

All right. First post. Last night I go to dinner with my mother in law and husband and she says "I have decided that I will hire a nanny for you when you go back to work after 3 months. She can work at my house so I can keep an eye on the baby and her during the day." I had to do everything in my power not to jump out of my chair and leave right then. 1) I haven't even given birth yet and I'm already back at work day 91. 2) Would a nanny's salary really be so much cheaper than what I make and be worth it to us. 3) why is the nanny at my mother in laws house? So she gets to spend every waking moment with the baby while I am off at a job I hate? HELP.

dreakitty+1 · March 2011

Take a deep breathe. I hear ya. But I'm sure she means well just like mine. lol.

When the timing is right just tell her how you feel. If you want the baby to be at your house then so be it. Theres nothing wrong with that especially since its home to the baby.

Good luck!! And good luck to me with mine too!

zhirsch · March 2011

You just have to stand up to her, and make sure DH is on your side. She doesn't get to decide anything. Not. one. thing. So no, you don't have to have a nanny and it certainly doesn't have to be at her house if you do want one. If she's going to be around all day anyway why doesn't she offer to watch the baby herself? But that's not the point. If you want to be a sahm and you and your DH have agreed that i will works it's none of her business. My advice would be to nip this in the bud sooner rather than later. You don't have to be mean, but be direct, as in "We've talked and decided NOT to hire a nanny, but thank you for your suggestion." End of discussion

kateebrooks78 · March 2011

I went to bed so angry then woke at 4am FUMING. I played different things I want to say to both her and my husband over and over in my head. I know she thinks its a good offer but it feels like a control thing. Ugh. anyway- I am calmer now and it helps venting a bit. I've been so tired the last 3 months and now adding last night's crap sleep to it I am in an extra fun mood today. Haha.

emily1414 · March 2011

Tell your husband how you feel and then have him talk with her. That way it will be that you both feel that way and not you being the bad guy. The offer is very generous, but if you're having a nanny... why wouldn't the baby just stay at home instead of going to a strange environment that doesn't have all the baby stuff? Weird.... tell you husband he needs to talk with his mother! Good luck!

Skibunny07 · March 2011

I'm not understanding why, if she's home all day to watch over the baby and the nanny then why doesn't she just offer to watch the baby, no nanny?

SarahPLiz · March 2011

I'm not understanding why you went to bed fuming when you could have just said "No Thank you" at dinner and been done with it. Its perfectly acceptable to tell someone no. The sooner you figure that out, the better you will sleep. Seriously, you need to grow a spine.

megd06 · March 2011

SarahPLiz:
I'm not understanding why you went to bed fuming when you could have just said "No Thank you" at dinner and been done with it. Its perfectly acceptable to tell someone no. The sooner you figure that out, the better you will sleep. Seriously, you need to grow a spine.

this.

2moms2twins · March 2011

From her prospective she is doing you two favors. A) paying for a nanny and she can watch the nanny to save you from worrying about leaving your kid with a stranger and save you from all those horrible NANNY abused my baby stories.

I would just let her know you appreciate the offer but you are not sure when and if you are going back to work. If you need assistance with child care you will definitely let her know. Never want to close a door to free help!

amyegunnip · March 2011

Skibunny07:
I'm not understanding why, if she's home all day to watch over the baby and the nanny then why doesn't she just offer to watch the baby, no nanny?

This exactly!

lovelyophelia · March 2011

amyegunnip:

Skibunny07:
I'm not understanding why, if she's home all day to watch over the baby and the nanny then why doesn't she just offer to watch the baby, no nanny?

This exactly!

Ditto. I don't get this. Nor do I understand why she is so presumptuious to send you back to work and assume that you haven't decided on childcare for yourselves. I would've lost it because I cannot stand my MIL and she already tries to be too involved in our personal lives.

mrsmonak · March 2011

I agree that she definitely shouldn't jump to conclusions and make decisions without discussing them with you first. That would rub me the wrong way as well. Without knowing her personality and your relationship, maybe she means well, but just doesn't know the etiquette in approaching the subject. Since she is offering to pay for the nanny, maybe she assumes you need or could really benefit from keeping your job, like many mothers need to do these days - whether you hate the job or not. Like I said, I don't know her, and she could very easily be a control freak with no respect for your feelings, but if that isn't normally how she is then she could just be trying to help and going about it the wrong way. When the subject comes up again, I would try to tell her your own plans and that you appreciate the offer, but you won't be needing a nanny. Maybe even mention that you would still appreciate her help once in a while, but that you have decided to stay at home. If she gets bent out of shape about it, you will know that she was probably only doing it for her own purposes. Regardless of her intentions, you obviously need to do what works for your own family, and she needs to respect your decision. Just try not to burn any bridges so that if you do need a hand every once in a while, she will hopefully be willing to help without making you feel badly about your decision.

Broadway1 · March 2011

You could send her this way. I have no idea how we are going to swing childcare, so I would have jumped all over that in a heartbeat.

She's probably just trying to be helpful and maybe she was thinking she had solved a problem for you. If childcare isn't a problem, that's wonderful, but for many peopel it is. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was trying to be helpful.

gremxul · March 2011

I can totally see where you're coming from. There are some inlaws who don't know boundaries and dictate and control the littlest details around them. When something like that comment comes from an "I know best" subtle controller, it can seem much worse than if a nice well-intentioned person said it. It's worse when that person is imposing their little control habits all over the one thing that should be entirely your business. And it's hard to say something in the moment, because that kind of control is always really subtle, and even though you might be ticked off beyond belief, the only thing you can say IS "no thank you," and that doesn't cover what you want to say:)

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