Am I being unreasonable? DH friends with a signle female coworker.

kochmcdiarts · March 2011

So, my husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have an adorable 9 month old son. The last couple of years, my husband has been friends with a female co-worker. At first I did not mind. They talked at work and that was basically it. Since I became pregnant, my husband has been pushing me to be friends with this person. He, she, and I have hung out a few times. She has a 2 year old son. One time when we were hanging out she mentioned how my husband makes a wonderful father figure for her son. Fast forward about a year and a half. I do not like this co-worker. She babysat our son for a while and I just do not trust her. Now my husband rarely talks to me and is ALWAYS texting her. My husband suggested that we get counseling for our marriage because I have grown distant.

This kind of started a fight between us. I told him one reason we have grown distant is because we never talk. He left to "take the dog for a walk". This usually means he is talking about me to his mom or this other woman. After our fight I went through his texts. Yes, this was wrong of me but I cannot trust her around my husband. I see how she looks at him and the whole father figure comment.... Any way. He pretty much called me a crazy *** to her saying I was mad at him for wanting to sleep with her and what not. I said she wanted him, not him wanting her.

Also, the fact that he talks about me and our marriage to her pisses me off. Why is he asking a SINGLE woman advice. I do not trust her and the fact that he does not seem to respect me enough to even try to understand what the problem is hurts. He can stand up for her to me but never stands up for me and I am his wife and mother of his children. He claims nothing has happened and nothing will happen but I am pretty sure if I was gone they would get together.

I have not told him they cannot be friends. I will not dictate his life, but would it be too much for me to ask that he not text/call her or eat lunch with her? At this point, I do not want any contact but he is turning this into me being a *** and me having post partum depression and saying I am crazy and reading into this. He even went as far as to say I am jealous of his friendship with her and that I just don't want him to have any friends other than me.

That is also not the case. I have encouraged he hang out with his male friends and talk to them and call them... But he rarely does. It is just this other girl.

I think they are more than just friends. But what do I know. I'm just a "crazy ***". I am trying to not rant. Just accounting for the situation as I see it. Please let me know if I am being unreasonable not wanting my husband to not be with this other woman.

nperez489 · March 2011

I would not be okay with this. I do not think you're being unreasonable. They are too close for comfort IMO. Have you told him that you were not okay with him being friends with her?

kochmcdiarts · March 2011

Yes. That is when he said I was reading too much into this and that I was jealous that he had a best friend and that I was just being crazy. He then turned everything around on me.

abc123xyzandsoforth · March 2011

LovelyABR:
I would not be okay with this. I do not think you're being unreasonable. They are too close for comfort IMO. Have you told him that you were not okay with him being friends with her?

This. If he says that you guys should do marriage counseling, I say go for it. Maybe he'll get a clue as to how he's making you feel.

Big J · March 2011

Sounds to me like he's very emotionally involved with this woman. I'd tell him to quit talking to her or leave.

americanada · March 2011

his relationship with this other woman is completely inappropriate! do not let him turn this around on you. i'm so sorry!

kaitley44 · March 2011

americanada:
his relationship with this other woman is completely inappropriate! do not let him turn this around on you. i'm so sorry!

This!!!

I would never be OK with my DH having a single female best friend. I would go to counseling so you have someone who will help you talk to your DH about how he makes you feel.

sleepingbeauty825 · March 2011

I would be so hurt if I were you. He should not be reporting to her what you say, essentially making fun of you. I heard wants to go to counseling, I'd be there so fast. That counselor is going to see the same things we are.

DandaLion · March 2011

Ok, as someone with a few single guy friends (some since we were young kids, and some just from work), in general I don't see a problem with being friends with someone of the opposite sex that is single. SO knows all of them (we have all hung out many times) and does not have a problem with me hanging out with them one on one. However the relationship I have with my guy friends is totally transparent and if SO wanted to see a text message (often I just tell him what it says) I would show him. I also tell him about what we talk about (work, random things, etc...most of which is not personal-or at least not about details of my relationship with SO).

However, based on what you said about your relationship with DH, his relationship with her, the issues you have with her...I wouldn't be ok with it either. Maybe counseling would be good. A good place to talk about things with a neutral third party and be honest with eachother. Counseling is not neccesarily a bad thing.

nperez489 · March 2011

kochmcdiarts:
Yes. That is when he said I was reading too much into this and that I was jealous that he had a best friend and that I was just being crazy. He then turned everything around on me.

I just wanted to add that I hate women like this. Some people have no respect for boundaries and relationships. Your Dh should know better. Dh and I have a rule that we don't make new friends with the opposite sex. It isn't necessary. It may sound crazy but it works!

MWoodside · March 2011

I may be in the minority, but I firmly believe that close friendships with the other gender are inappropriate during a marriage. It seems that one of the parties always ends up having feelings for the other. I also believe in emotional affairs. Honestly it sounds like that might be what's going on here. If he is turning to another women to discuss his feelings & issues within your marriage I find that to be very inappropriate. Maybe counseling will help. I'm sorry you are going through this.

teamsweet · March 2011

Go, no run to counseling! Present this information to him/her and explain why this is so hurtful. It is completely inappropriate. Dh has some female coworkers but he doesn't hang out with them or text them. Dh barely has time for his friends between work and taking care of DS. And he would never ever talk to any of his friends about me like that.

Unknown · March 2011

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greengirl0909 · March 2011

IMO, this is not okay. The whole situation is stinky, but unless it's a typo- this is the line that really bothers me:

"saying I was mad at thim for wanting to sleep with her and whatnot" if a man says this line to a woman, I think he's "feeling out" the situation, to see if it's a possibility. If she says no, hey no big deal, wasn't my idea it was just something my crazy wife said. If it does sound like she might be open to that, well then, hey alright, I got some information without having to make myself vulnerable.

You shouldn't have to forbid the friendship. If your husband loves you he should want you to be happy and should want to do anything in his power to make you happy, including making you feel secure about this situation by walking away. I hope the best for you!

smileychic10986 · March 2011

I am so sorry you are going through this. Their relationship is not okay IMO. I would be going to marriage counseling, and if he can't cut ties with this woman I would probably give him an ultimatum. I think he is having an emotional affair with her, if not more. This woman is also way over stepping her boundaries and wouldn't trust her. If your husband respects you, he will cut off his relationship with her for you.

kochmcdiarts · March 2011

Thanks everyone. I'm glad to hear am I not being over the top. I wish I would h ave stopped this right away but I am not generally opposed to this kind of thing. I have plenty of male friends that are single. I only talk to them at work or on facebook, though. Most are friends from when I was little (like my neighbor). I would never talk about my marrige issues to any of them. I am old fashioned I guess but I just do not believe it is right.

I just don't understand how my DH does not see this. I am show him this so he understands better. I doubt it will work though.

We do start counseling next Tuesday. I should have mentioned that initially. I hope this works. Right now, I can not wait until Januaray when DH is done with school, will quit his current job, get a new job, and we can move away from this chick.

saraosu11 · March 2011

Definitely not being unreasonable.

I generally don't see anything wrong with being friends with someone of the opposite sex, but he's taking it too far.

I will say that I think it's a good thing he suggested counseling. That means he's willing to go, and going should help someone else to show him what he's doing.

Good luck - I'm sorry you're going through this.

tobereich · March 2011

kochmcdiarts:

Thanks everyone. I'm glad to hear am I not being over the top. I wish I would h ave stopped this right away but I am not generally opposed to this kind of thing. I have plenty of male friends that are single. I only talk to them at work or on facebook, though. Most are friends from when I was little (like my neighbor). I would never talk about my marrige issues to any of them. I am old fashioned I guess but I just do not believe it is right.

I just don't understand how my DH does not see this. I am show him this so he understands better. I doubt it will work though.

We do start counseling next Tuesday. I should have mentioned that initially. I hope this works. Right now, I can not wait until Januaray when DH is done with school, will quit his current job, get a new job, and we can move away from this chick.

Deep down I think he does see it... he's just too deep in it at this point. He knows he's doing something wrong which is why he's turning it back on you. It's so much easier to blame someone else (you've grown distant, you are crazy) than admit to yourself that what you are doing is wrong.

doremi29 · March 2011

Not to freak you out even more, but I was in your position years ago (pre-children) and my ex-H was involved with her. They were both married in this situation and had a 6 month long affair. I had no idea, trusted him, just thought they were friends. Looking back I see signs that I should've probably read more into, but I didn't (because I loved and trusted him). I'm not saying that your husband is physically cheating, but I will say to trust your instincts!

klaceyblair · March 2011

im so sorry to hear all of this and i can't even imagine how hard it is. i have never been someone to give in with what my boyfriend/fiance was doing wrong. I have always stuck up for myself and showed the person that i was with i am not putting up with it anymore. There has been a time where I just had to leave my H for the night to show him that i am not putting myself through certain situation, although he has never done anything like this. If counseling is your thing then you should go do and maybe from someone else telling him that he is wrong may help, i know sometimes if you just tell them they won't listen, but coming from someone else may help. and this "other woman" needs to have some sort of respect. i would have called her told her to back off or i would make her back off.

dangerkitty102 · March 2011

He is definitely not being a very good husband.

However I give him props for suggesting counseling. I think you should take him up on it.

It is inappropriate for him to talk about your marriage to another woman, yes. And I'm of the belief that friendships with the opposite sex are in general kind of inappropriate when you're married. Like hanging out in groups and facebook friends, fine. But talking on the phone and texting and hanging out with another woman one on one - inappropriate.

What bothers me even more though is his dismissing your feelings by calling you a crazy ****. That is not cool at all. It's SO disrespectful and if he acts like that with every issue you might bring up to him, then your marriage is in big trouble regardless if there's another woman in his life.

Have you guys ever read any books or taken classes on communication? Are you approaching him by saying "when you do X, it makes me feel Y" ? Do you practice any speaker/listener technique or anythign like that? If you don't know what I'm talking about, look for a book or a class maybe at a church. Or maybe your counseler can do some coaching or suggest something.

eSynergy · March 2011

I would be so hurt if my DH was confiding in other women instead of me.

Good luck with counseling. Because he's willing to go, says a lot! It will be good for both of you, and you will learn how he's feeling and he'll learn how you're feeling.

Mrs.Cford · March 2011

I do not think that you are overreacting and even if you are a bit DH should see this and make a change;

I would talk to him, while not fighting, just sit down and really explain how much this hurts you and is affecting you if he still defends the friendship then I would think it is possibly more than that and you either need to get counseling or think of leaving.

It is also totally unacceptable that he is 'walking the dog' and talking about you to either her or his mom, if he wants to take a walk and think or clear his head, fine but I would insist that his phone stays behind!

DH used to have a female coworker that said and did inappropriate things that used to make me very uncomfortable I asked him to remove her from his FB and keep the work chat to a minimum and he did - it may seem irrational of me to ask and he always said she was the inappropriate one and he would never do anything but it didn't matter, she made me uncomfortable so in the end he repected me and cut off contact!

Good Luck!

kochmcdiarts · March 2011

Brandi Bee:
I also want to say-don't ban him from having female friends that are single. Maybe I'm in the minority, but that is ridiculous and insecure. There is a difference between a female acquaintance and a female who seems like she is trying to replace you and knows too much about your marriage.
I have a few guy friends and they are all single usually. They would never step over the line like this.

This is how I feel, exactly. This is why I did not stop this sooner. I though they were just friends but it is more than that now.

doremi29 · March 2011

kochmcdiarts:
Brandi Bee:

I also want to say-don't ban him from having female friends that are single. Maybe I'm in the minority, but that is ridiculous and insecure. There is a difference between a female acquaintance and a female who seems like she is trying to replace you and knows too much about your marriage.

I have a few guy friends and they are all single usually. They would never step over the line like this.

My DH has a female friend he's very close with. After what I went through with my exH, I now see such a huge difference between the relationship my ex had with his co-worker "friend" and the relationship DH has with his female friend. They have common interests, hangout every now and then (without me around- my choice- she's cool but I like for them to have time to catch up), and knew eachother for years before I came along and never had a romantic connection. If DH ever talked about a marital problem to her she'd probably just side with me, but they don't generally discuss things like that.

This is how I feel, exactly. This is why I did not stop this sooner. I though they were just friends but it is more than that now.