Lurker intro, and a ? (long, sorry!)

cutie420311 · March 2011

Hi all! H & I have been together for 13 years, married 10. We've had quite a few ups and downs and last year when I was about 8 months pregnant he told me that he wanted to move out and that he didn't want to be together anymore. Being hormonal and pregnant I freaked out and cried for days and days and begged him to give me another chance, I said I would go to counseling (which I did) and he agreed to give us another shot. We, through each of our individual therapists decided that it would be more beneficial at this point to combine therapy into marriage/couples therapy. So we've been in individual counseling for a year now, and have recently started marriage counseling (not either one of our individual therapists). We've had 3 sessions together and now one each individually.

Today was my individual session and the therapist said he was going to suggest at our next session that we do a trial separation and that H would move in with his parents for awhile and we would keep one "family day" a week, and continue to work on saving the marriage. I guess I'm on the fence.

Have any of you done the trial separation and actually reconciled? I'm afraid that separating is just going to make it easier to be alone, which if it is then the relationship wasn't right for us anymore anyway, I know that. I know you guys have lots of great advice, and I know that it will probably be for the best to separate at least for a little bit to avoid falling back into our old patterns of behavior, I guess I just wanted to see if at the end of all this anyone remained married, or if it was the begining of seeing that the relationship is actually over. If that makes any sense.

Thanks for reading and for any advice!

dimake · March 2011

I think in my case, if there hadn't been another woman, we'd have patched things up. But the other woman was the cause of the separation to begin with (I just didn't know about it for about a year). I think being separated made it a lot easier for XH to start his new life without us, while I was the one still holding on and doing all of the work.

Starbuck5 · March 2011

cutie420311:
Have any of you done the trial separation and actually reconciled? I'm afraid that separating is just going to make it easier to be alone, which if it is then the relationship wasn't right for us anymore anyway, I know that.

You have certainly been pulling your load when it comes to trying to make the marriage work. But I think you've said it....a trial separation just might be what you need to realize that you can be alone...and still be OK. What could it hurt? It obviously won't fix something that's broken...but it could expedite the inevitable.

I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time. ((hugs))

achase123 · March 2011

There was some book that I was reading about controlled separation right after we split. It was so ridiculous that I put it down halfway through. XH started reading it and swore by it but, then again, we all KNOW what a moron he is.

I think that sounds like you will be living in limbo which is more difficult than actually being apart. Unless both of you are of the mindset that it will help your relationship, I don't believe that it will benefit your marriage.

IMO, I don't think it's a good idea. I've never seen a relationship benefit from taking space like that. You grow more independent and I don't see the point. It is my belief that you are married and therefore you work things out together. I think that is not great advice from your therapist. It seems like a step backwards, why would you want to do that.

MrsSeli · April 2011

I'm just lurking on this board, but wanted to share my parents' story with you. They separated a few years ago, my dad started seeing another woman and then ended up injuring his foot and being hospitalized. My mom would visit him at the hospital with my younger brother. One day, she sat him down and stole his crutches and wouldn't give them back until they had it out about their problems. They ended up getting back together and are happier than ever now. They had been miserable for years and years (stayed together for us...). But I think separating allowed them to see what life was like without each other, and allowed them to really think through their own feelings. But the critical part was taking down the walls between them and just talking everything out. So, while a trial separation may end up being permanent, sometimes crazy things happen!!

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