What is your honest perception

ABColeslaw · March 2011

Phill and I were talking about this the other day. Just wondering how other people see this. I don't want to know if you think its right or wrong, just how you think other people view it and or how your family views it. Do you think when it comes to extended family and your children, that the mother's family is seen as more important than the father's? (Well for the most part?)

We were talking about this, because we have a boy and he was making comments about how exciting it would be to get to help plan Asher's wedding someday. And I sort of let it slip that the bride's family would be more included in that than we would be. And then I got sad.

Its just the way I have noticed it going with other people. The mother's parents see the grandbabies more, she gets to be in the delivery room, is the first one to hold the grandbaby, babysits more often...that sort of thing. I really hope it will be different for my family when Asher is all grown up and has his own family.

MNgirl326 · March 2011

There is an old quote:

When you have a daughter, you have her for life. When you have a son, you have him until he takes a wife.

I think it is pretty true.

Melly Mel · March 2011

I think so. I know that my family is way more involved than DH's. I think that girls are just naturally closer to their families in general. That is just in my experience though with the people that I know. There is always the exception though.

May08CapeBride · March 2011

I definitely think it's something that you can't control for your future son/daughter since every family is different, and has different dynamics. However I do see what you're saying that the mother's family is more involved, and maybe that's due to the fact that women are emotionally connected. What I mean by that is that I feel closer with my parents emotionally because they raised me, than I do with my in laws, and I know what to expect more from my family than his.

Jennicap · March 2011

I think it all depends. My family lives 2hrs away. The wedding nobody helped b/c they all kept saying I was doing it too early so I basicly did it myself. My MIL did help put together my invitations though! For the baby I'm sure DH's family sees him more b/c they are instate and mine are not but honestly they really don't see him all that often, DH's family is not close and they will go weeks/a month or more without seeing each other. I drive home at least once a month b/c I miss my family so much!

doremi29 · March 2011

I think it is often like you described. I know for me, my mom and I are very close. I could never move far away, she will always be a huge part of my life, and DS will grow up very close to her as well. She already had 2 grandchildren from my bro and SIL, but she was very open that her daughter having a child was something very special to her. I think there is something about the mother-daughter dynamic that is special, but same goes with the mother/father-son dynamic....it's just different I guess.

I have a feeling (for no apparent reason) that I will end up with 2 boys. I love the idea of having 2 boys, but I do hope that I'm involved with things like wedding planning and other big events.

JulySpark05 · March 2011

I think its not that the Mother's family is more important but mostly that they are probably closer then the Father is to his family. Women are usually more emotionally connected like a previous viewer mentioned.

ABColeslaw · March 2011

Spring Mommy:
i think the old fashioned way is its closer to the man's family. the reason the woman's is more involved in the wedding is bc they "give her away."

i think most cases now, its whoever's family is closer plays a bigger part.

as far as weddings, i think its becoming more common for the couple to plan it out so input from both sides is acceptable. not sure about you though, but i wanted as little input as possible.

I didn't want unasked for input, but I def wanted my family excited and involved. I guess that comes from being a foster child and living in a "Hopeful" place. But his mother was definately forceful with her opinions and demands and I had to let him deal with her....especially since she was paying for none of it! I really hope to be able to help my children pay for thier weddings so its not a stressful affair.

MrsBalletStar05 · March 2011

I dunno.

For us, we are far away from our families - but I would say it is at least equal and maybe even more so with DH's family. We usually see them one or two more times per year than my family. I think our boys have an equal relationship with each set of grandparents.

As for weddings, yes - I think the girl's side is more involved with that.

KristenLB · March 2011

i wouldnt say that they are important per say, but i do agree that they seem more involved. at least what's what it's like with us too. my parents get to see LO a lot more than DH's parents. and for our wedding, it seemed that my parents were more involved with the decision making too. so in way, it is right. i will be sad when that day comes for me too since we have a boy. :[

meagamomma2be · March 2011

I think it depends on the family. My family and DHs family are both equally involved in our lives and the lives of our children. However, my mom & I were the ones that planned the wedding.

PiRSquared330 · March 2011

For the wedding, I think usually (not always) the brides family is a bit closer. For everything else, I think it just depends on the family. Its not automatically one way or the other.

eta: the delivery room thing is different, too. Neiter of our parents were in there, but I can understand why the maternal grandmother might while the paternal grandmother might not. Who wants their mother in law to see their vagina? Really?

but that doesn't make one grand parent closer than the other. Its ONE event, and in that case (IMO) its about the woman giving birth, not the baby being born.

our parents are pretty equal.

Dreamsicle23 · March 2011

It depends on the situation. My mom is a royal fvckup and I'd never let her babysit. She also lives 1,000 miles away and can't afford to visit often.

NELCORP · March 2011

abartow:

There is an old quote:

When you have a daughter, you have her for life. When you have a son, you have him until he takes a wife.

I think it is pretty true.

This is exactly my opinion.

PiRSquared330 · March 2011

NELCORP:
abartow:

There is an old quote:

When you have a daughter, you have her for life. When you have a son, you have him until he takes a wife.

I think it is pretty true.

This is exactly my opinion.

I think its sad And sexist.

My h is very close to his family. I would never dream of ruining that

MNgirl326 · March 2011

PiRSquared330:
NELCORP:
abartow:

There is an old quote:

When you have a daughter, you have her for life. When you have a son, you have him until he takes a wife.

I think it is pretty true.

This is exactly my opinion.

I think its sad And sexist.

My h is very close to his family. I would never dream of ruining that

Whether it is sexist or not, it does tend to be true. Most often girls are closer to their families, especially their moms.

Boys who are close to their mom's tend to be looked down on.

How often have your heard of the term "mama's boys". That is not exactly a positive term.

Also, as someone who has worked with both shoes and fine dresses at Nordstrom the Mother of Groom's always feel this way. I believe the term is "Shut up, stand in the corner, and wear beige"

I didn't say I agree with it, but I do see some truth to it.

Camille417 · March 2011

This is an interesting subject, because I've seen for the most part the way a lot of you describe it. However, It's the other way around for My family. I do get to see my mom about once every week or 2 weeks. I take my kids over there. But my DS still can't be left over there, they have never babysat him. He has an unusual personality and is shy around people, so my mom didn't want to upset that. She just last week watched my 9 mo. DD for the first time. But my DH's parents see them all the time, have spent the night, with and without us and generally seem to make a great more effort with them and playing with them. My mom doesn't play much with them and that's really the only way to get my DS to open up.

Brit710 · March 2011

In our house it's the same. DS sees my family way more than DH's family. It's because I am close to mine and would rather hang out with mine so I make plans to do so.

He doesn't really make plans with his often (as it seems with a lot of men), so we don't see them often.

Shoshi10 · March 2011

In our situation, my family gets favored. My mom is over at least 4 times a week and MIL is over once a week. And with holidays (Jewish holidays are usually 2 important nights) we see what my family is doing first, and then plan DH's parents for the other night. When DD was born, MIL even told my mom that she knew my mom would get more time with the baby because "that's just how it is" and she wishes she had a daughter too. I'm not saying it's right, that's just how it works for us. DH works a lot and I am home with DD all the time and he knows MIL isn't my favorite person, so he is just happy I have her over to spend the spend with DD and me once a week.

bobbyme · March 2011

It depends on the family. We see my family more than my husband's, but there are extenuating circumstances.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

abartow:
There is an old quote:
When you have a daughter, you have her for life. When you have a son, you have him until he takes a wife.
I think it is pretty true.

marriedinaugust · March 2011

It is the opposite that is true for us but I think it is purely logistics. DH and I live in CA with his family. My family is in KS, we visit about twica a year and skype about once a month. LO sees DH's family every day. We are "closer (emotionally)" to DH's family.

My sister lives 45 minutes from my family in KS and 10 minutes away from her DH's family. Their LO (5yrs old) is closer to my family. He calls my mom "Grandma" and his Dad's mom "Other Grandma".

So I guess it just depends on the family.

PiRSquared330 · March 2011

abartow:
PiRSquared330:
NELCORP:
abartow:

There is an old quote:

When you have a daughter, you have her for life. When you have a son, you have him until he takes a wife.

I think it is pretty true.

This is exactly my opinion.

I think its sad And sexist.

My h is very close to his family. I would never dream of ruining that

Whether it is sexist or not, it does tend to be true. Most often girls are closer to their families, especially their moms.

Boys who are close to their mom's tend to be looked down on.

How often have your heard of the term "mama's boys". That is not exactly a positive term.

Also, as someone who has worked with both shoes and fine dresses at Nordstrom the Mother of Groom's always feel this way. I believe the term is "Shut up, stand in the corner, and wear beige"

I didn't say I agree with it, but I do see some truth to it.

I don't think the wedding is a good example, because often the brides family is paying. If they are paying of course they should have more say.

the rest is just sad to me if its true. Its not in my experience. I would its abou50/50 for those I know who are closer to the womans side or the mans side. But I didn't grow up in a place that looked down on "mama's boys." I could see that being big in some parts of the country though that push "manly men" Thats sad to me.

Ciconrad · March 2011

I don't see it as one side being more important than the other. However, I do believe when it comes to family life, the wife sort of sets the tone for the family. It's only natural that she looks to her own family first to set traditions, get child rearing advice from and wants to spend time with. Therefore, yes, a lot of times grandchildren are closer to the maternal side. I work really hard to make sure to involve my MIL in my children's lives.

Having two boys, I don't expect to be heavily involved in the planning of their weddings. In our social circle, the bride's family handles all the costs and planning. If my son's marry someone whose family is not able or willing to do that, we will provide money to them, but I would not insist on being heavily involved with planning. We will plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner.

I also don't expect to be in the delivery room when their wives have children. If they want me to be there, fine, but I would never expect it, even if their own mother's are there. I would expect to be given time with my grandchildren and be treated fairly compared to their maternal side.

PiRSquared330 · March 2011

btw, I think it assumes that the wife is the one who makes the parenting decisions. Back in the day, that was the norm. So it did make sense that they gravitated towards her family as she set those rules/traditions and looked for advice.

but now, more families split those responsibilities. I know H and I do, even though I'm a SAHM. We make those decisions together. We set traditions together.We don't really go to either grandmother for advice on how to raise our cild because tmes have changed. They are both great moms, though. I'm not claiming other wise. I will say that living far away from both sets of grandparents has helped us establish that. We had to learn to do it on our own. I'm actually glad we started out our lives as parents that way. We couldn't become dependent on them. We had to figure it out.

I guess my friends and I could be the minority, but if its true, that makes me sad. And I have a daughter!

ASmallWonder · March 2011

I do think it's true to a certain extent but I also think it depends on what kind of MIL you are. When I was wedding planning I tried really hard to make sure Judy was included because I always tried to consider that with three sons, she'd only ever get the MIL perspective. She's good to me and not a pita so it was easy

I hope that I'm a decent MIL so that Aiden's wife likes me. I think too a lot of times the MILs sit back and wait to be included and then mope when they're not. Honestly, a lot of times I think it doesn't occur to the woman that they're excluding their MIL so the MIL needs to speak up nicely.

RadicalDreamer143 · March 2011

We live far away from both families, though DH's brother and uncle are within reasonable driving distance. So technically, we see them more often than anyone.

I had a poor relationship with my mother so we aren't close. I'm not a fan of my ILs either though.

saraosu11 · March 2011

I didn't read the other responses, but I could see it both ways.

My mom is retired and comes up to watch DD once/week. MIL can't because she is still working, but she's a teacher and comes up once/week to spend the day with DD during the summer. MIL/FIL come up every Friday for dinner (which is at DH's brother's family's house down the street), and we drive an hour every Sunday to DH's grandparents' house.

So yeah - we see a lot of DH's family. But, I talk to my mom multiple times/day, send her pics of DD on her phone, etc. She's very involved. I think it just depends on the relationship you have with DS when he's an adult.

stella_blu · March 2011

I think a lot of it will depend on you and your son's future wife. I find family to be very important and made a point of becoming part of DH's family. My mom does do most of the babysitting and was in the delivery room but we try really hard to include MIL. SIL really became part of her DH's family and doesn't see her family as much. I think it really just depends on the child and their values and personality.

RedCardinal · March 2011

stella_blu:
I think a lot of it will depend on you and your son's future wife. I find family to be very important and made a point of becoming part of DH's family. My mom does do most of the babysitting and was in the delivery room but we try really hard to include MIL. SIL really became part of her DH's family and doesn't see her family as much. I think it really just depends on the child and their values and personality.

This exactly.

RedCardinal · March 2011

stella_blu:
I think a lot of it will depend on you and your son's future wife. I find family to be very important and made a point of becoming part of DH's family. My mom does do most of the babysitting and was in the delivery room but we try really hard to include MIL. SIL really became part of her DH's family and doesn't see her family as much. I think it really just depends on the child and their values and personality.

This exactly.

melpoteet · March 2011

It makes me sad to think about it because I do think it is true and I have a son and like another poster have a feeling I will have 2 boys..but I love boys and am a tomboy so it will be ok. Growing up we were equal distance from both my parents families and was fairly equal but still somewhat closer to my dads side than my moms. Most people I know are the opposite as OP says. We are far away from both sets of LOs grandparents but talk to my parents more and see them as equally as possible but my parents visit more. DHs family is rough to deal with in basically every possible way and rarely talk to us but send us boxes of crap unsolicited and usually not needed--for instance will not talk to us for months and haven't seen our son since he was 5 months old but continually send boxes and boxes of 3T clothes and goodwill toys etc. LO is wearing 12 month clothes... All I learn from my inlaws his what not to do as a mother in law someday. I don't expect to be involved too heavily in the wedding or in the delivery room etc. My brother and SIL are expecting their first LO this summer and that among other things makes me want to move closer to my family...why be apart from both when one side doesn't do anything to be close to us when we could move fairly close to mine and give LO some sort of family life. I know it makes my mom sad that my brother and SIL are closer to her family but they do try to include her a lot and my mom knows we are closer to them so I think that is just how it goes but there are always exceptions to the rule

homebird · March 2011

I don't know, I don't think that's always true. I can honestly say we spend equal amounts of time with both families. I'm very close with my MIL, and I love spending time with H's family. Sometimes both families get together for dinners and stuff. We're lucky though, because we all live in the same town. Makes it easy to see everyone on a regular basis.

H's family wasn't involved in every detail of our wedding, but they weren't left out either. I'm pretty sure MIL was glad she didn't have to worry about ordering flowers, picking out invitations, etc. She got to pick out a beautiful dress and be a party of the wedding without all the stresses of planning it. And yes, I know she was glad because she hates planning parties and she tells me so at every party-planning occasion.

As far the baby, she wasn't in the delivery room, my mom was. But to be fair, she couldn't make it for the birth (she was sick and didn't want to give it to me). If she had been there, neither mother would have been in the delivery room. I wanted to be fair.

And babysitting, we have a rotation so each family gets time with the baby.

Maybe things are different if you don't particularly like your in-laws?

MCC1010 · March 2011

I think it has more to do with the relationship you have with your family. DH is close to his parents in a different way than I am. He speaks to his parents once a week and to his brother once a month. I speak to my parents a few times a day. My siblings and I are constantly texting, emailing or calling each other. We are very involved in each others daily lives. My brothers speak to my parents daily as well.

When it comes to Matthew we try to treat our parents equally. However, my parents are more involved because they put in more effort. They come see him and I go see them weekly. Dh's parents make very little effort to come see Matthew. They come down for the weekend but make plans with church friends. In the end they see Matthew for a few hours every 3 months. I hope to teach Matthew the same sense of family I grew up with but we will see what happens.

MWoodside · March 2011

I do think it's true to some extent. But I also think that stereotype (or whatever you want to call it) can be broken with effort on both the part of the son (and his wife) and his parents.

sherina825 · March 2011

It mostly depends on the dynamics of the family. I'm closer to my family than my H is and my family is a lot bigger than H's family. I'm also closer to my mom's family than my dad but it's because my mom is closer to her siblings than my father is. But... for my male cousins and my nephews, it's different. In general though, I think that what you said is a true statement. E will probably be closer to my family than H's because we make a consorted effort to stay tight adn they really don't.

jlthompson19 · March 2011

Considering the bride is usually the one taking charge of the wedding planning, I mean, how many websites are created for men planning weddings? it's only natural that her family would be more involved.

And I completely agree with Irish re: childbirth. I wanted no one in the room, besides DH, but if I had to choose between my mom and MIL, it would have been my MIL. It's about the person delivering the baby at that moment, not the baby in and of itself.

My family is closer to DD but it's because the live in the same area. DH's family is 2+ hours away.

meganandchase · March 2011

I definitely feel like an odd man out here.

DH's family lives closer, and therefore sees DS more often, and will probably be closer emotionally to him. Growing up, I wasn't close to any grandparents, so I'm just excited for DS that he will have one set he gets to see on a regular basis.

As for the delivery room, I never understood why someone would want their mom in there! Yuck! It was just me and DH (and a whole bunch of medical folks).

DH and I planned our wedding without much input. Since we don't live near either family, it would have been difficult for them to be very involved. I hope to be able to give my children some money for their wedding, but not pay for it entirely. I plan to be equally as generous, regardless of boy or girl. But I hope they do the planning!

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