How to help DH be more patient with LO?
LO is colicky and screams a lot. A whole lot. We're going back to the doctor to discuss changing reflux meds and to get a referral to a pediatric GI, and we're also hoping that now that we're at 6 weeks after his due date, he's at the peak of fussiness and it will start to decrease.
That being said, it is very stressful to be around LO some days. Every once in a while he has a great day where he only cries when he's hungry or wet, but the rest of the days are basically eat, scream, sleep--and he's not really a good sleeper during the day, so there's a lot of screaming. For me, I can at least whip out a boob and that will pacify him a lot of the time. But LO isn't a huge fan of bottles (although he'll eat from them when he's hungry if I'm not there), so DH doesn't have that option.
So DH tends to get annoyed and upset because he's not able to pacify LO. I can hear it in his voice--he'll try to say soothing things but his tone is irritated. And he doesn't seem to think to use the actions that do sooth him (Happiest Baby on the Block, etc.), or to even go down a checklist of what could be wrong. Instead, he'll sit there and try to jam a pacifier or bottle into LO's, while LO is sitting in a wet diaper (which makes him cry instantly).
So today, for example, I took 3.5 hours to myself to buy some quilting supplies (the longest I've been away from LO since he was born) and I came back to a screaming baby and a pissed off DH. I took the baby and DH just bolted out the door to go run errands. I fed and changed LO and he's still upset, but I've walked him around, and he's now in his swing. He whimpered a little bit, but at least he's not screaming.
I'm not perfect - one late night, I was so upset by LO's screaming that I handed him to DH, walked upstairs, pounded my fist against a wall and screamed, but I try really hard to wait to express my frustration until LO isn't around. Also, I think the difference is that I am upset at myself when LO is screaming, and I feel like DH is upset at LO.
When I go back to work next month, DH will be SAH with LO for three months. Right now, I'm really worried about how that will go. Hopefully by then LO will either have chilled out or we'll have a better grasp on what is causing his screaming fits, but if not, DH is in for a really hard transition period.
DH also hasn't picked up a single childcare book, even though we have TONS of them. So on top of dealing with the colicky baby and trying to figure stuff out for myself, I also have to teach DH at the same time.
So how can I help him be more patient?
Re: How to help DH be more patient with LO?
I'm sorry you're going through this with the colic-i-ness. My DS was colicy for a few weeks, but not horribly, until we got the right formula (Gentlease/Target brand Gentlease).
I understand about not having a DH pick up a childcare book. My DH hasn't either, so he just waits for me to learn what to do and show him (although it's like that for most things with us--I do the research and he goes along with it).
In terms of helping your DH be more patient, could you post a checklist on the fridge or someplace visible that has a list of things that could be wrong when the baby is crying (wet diaper, needs more burping, is bored, etc.) along with a list of the techniques in HBOTB. I know when our LOs got really going, I used to mentally run through the checklist, but at times, you just couldn't even think about it b/c all you can hear is the screaming. If it's printed out for DH, it might make him more patient. He can just go and look at the list and run through the options.
Also, we have two techniques that have always come back to when the LOs get crying out of control. DH especially found these tools to be helpful:
1. We call it 'waterboarding." We bring the baby in the dark bathroom, turn on the fan, run the sink faucet, and put the babies ear near the running water. Or, we swing the baby like they describe in HBOTB. That technique worked a.lot. in the beginning. The combo of the dark and the noise of the water was great. Sometimes, we'd even run the tub faucet to make the noise louder.
2. We'd bring the baby outside. Our pedi suggested this. If the baby is crying hysterically, just walk outside, even if it's freezing out. Just hold the baby close. The sudden change in environment, light, temperature, etc. can sometimes distract them from the crying. That's worked several times for DH.
Ok, this was a long post, but I sympathize with what you're going through. Hope it gets better!
If your DH won't read any of the books and isn't listening to your explanations, would he watch the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD? My DH isn't interested in reading any baby books, either, but he would at least let me explain the techniques of Happiest Baby on the Block to him. Once he had those techniques down, I think he felt more confident in trying to soothe DS -- and he was more willing to try (rather than just handing DS back to me). I've now even seen him using the HBOTB techniques with other people's babies
I do tend to think that your DH will find a store of patience when he's home with DS every day, and he'll probably find some of his own ways of soothing DS that will work for just him. On a weekend afternoon, he can tell himself that he just needs to hold on until you get home, and he probably still thinks of you as the primary soother. When he's home for those three months, though, he'll figure out that he has to take on that role, too.
My DS is a screamer too. He still screams sometimes at 9.5mo but it's gotten better, the 1st 6mo were a non-stop screamfest. I hear they grow out of it by a year old.
Is he napping every 2hrs (i.e.: never awake more than 2 hrs?). that will help
Someone told me "the 1st 6weeks you just want to shoot yourself and the next 6 weeks, you want to drink yourself to death," and sometimes those words still ring in my head. After 12 weeks, it gets a little easier and after 6mo, you are a pro! But there are reasons, I and many others, are not fans of the baby/newborn stage. It's hard!!
Will DS take a pacifier? My DD gave it up by herself at 4mo and DS at 6mo, so it's possible to use it and not abuse it and not get addicted to it!
LO picks up on your DH's frustration, if he is angry, it just makes DS angrier. It's hard sometimes not to get frustrated, it's normal but if your DH is that frustrated, he should put down DS in a safe spot (such as a crib) and just walk away until he can be calm. Crying never killed anyone and if your DH comes back in a calm mood, it will calm your DS.
My DH never read any books, it's not his thing. I Xeroxed the relevant Ferber pages for him and he read those b/c I pretty much made him. But books, whole books, like I read (child psychology/development/disciple/what to expect), never.
I think you need to leave your DH alone with DS more, your DH will not do things your way but you have to let him learn to calm/soothe *his* way, don't try to correct him unless he's doing something unsafe, even though it will not be your way, as long as it's not dangerous, you have to let him do it his way. He will gain confidence in his ability as a parent and once it works, he'll feel so competent, he WILL be able to do it. No one is born a perfect parent, it takes lots and lots of practice to get it right. He just needs more practice, more weekends where you leave for a few hours and he is alone.
Having said that, most Dads are not into the baby stage, it does not get fun for them until the LO starts interacting, so your DH is certainly normal. I admire his desire to be a SAHD for 3 months and after a few days, he'll get the hang of it and do great! It is a hard transition for every parent, Mom or Dad, the 1st few days alone with a baby, but we all learn!
I have to say that I was the impatient one and DH has the patience of Job. He would gently ask me when I was starting to get frustrated with the crying, "Does he need a diaper change?" At first I would get defensive but then I realized that I hadn't checked...and he asked in such a way that helped - not "Did you check his diaper?" I think if you two can have a conversation and say that you can call each other out gently on these reminders (like the checklist) so that way not one person is having the whole burden.
DH really feels the pang of feeling like he can't pacify. I told DH to sing to him (except I actually had to teach my DH "Twinkle Twinkle haha). So maybe try singing to him as another pacifying technique. It may not always work but it can be distracting for LO and when it works, you feel like a million bucks. Sometimes I sing a conversation to my DH - babies don't mind! (and it's not like I sing great either
I did not have a colicky baby but we did have our share of screaming. It really isn't easy especially when they just seem to cry for the sake of crying. And it's important to remember too that they sometimes do that - that was in our discharge information before we left the hospital. (I think it was worded that babies can cry 60-90 minutes a day that is unrelated to anything)
Hope this helps and that things start to get better for your family! It will get better!!
Oh boy have I been there. My two DD's were such easy babies, and DS was a total nightmare of colic by comparison (which he is over by the way - so it does get better!!!!). Nothing helped - changing his food, relux meds, nothing. Both DH and I would get really frustrated with DS, and I'm just going to say it: It's hard to bond with a colicky baby. Period. And I think moreso for dad than mom.
Ditto pps advice above, all good advice. Especially the DVD of HBOTB. My DH is not a reader at all - he learns by doing. But he will (and did) watch a DVD. DS not just cried, he screamed as if in terrible pain all day for hours on end and it was mostly me dealing with him while I was on leave, and while the soothing techniques were not magic bullets, you better believe I tried them constantly, often in combinations (swadding AND Shhh-ing AND swinging, etc.) I used the Moby like crazy.
I also like what Sofka said about leaving the baby with DH more. This is going to sound strange, but both DH and I dealt so much with a screaming baby that we both reached a point when we became kind of immune to it. We stopped being in that "OMG panic" kind of mode, and the "OMG frustrated" mode while DS screamed and went into "just ride it out" mode. It's more of a mental shift. But we suddenly got really tolerant of the crying and screaming and just, well, rode it out. I mean, what are you going to do?
It's really really hard. But don't worry about your DH being home with the baby for three months - I am confident the baby will get better, and also DH will come up with his own coping. Who knows, maybe the switch will flip to "just ride it out" mode for him. (that sounds so ridiculous, I know, I'm not describing it well here).
Hugs to you!
we have been through this... we're still dealing with it actually. i get H all day while DH is at work, and he feels obligated to take over when he gets home. unfortunatley for him, pretty much all his time with her during the week is cranky time. he gets *really* frustrated with her when she won't stop crying and fussing, and then frustrated with himself that nothing he can do will solve it.
i think part of it is he doesn't hear it as much as i do... like artslvr said, you get to the point where you know nothing is wrong, nothing you do is going to help, and eventually you just learn to ride it out. hbotb didn't work for us, we just try to change it up every few minutes with what we use to try to calm her. dh hasn't gotten there yet because he only hears it a short bit of each day. i've caught him at the peak of his frustration during some of her real screamfests yelling back at her "HANNAH!!" (as if that was going to startle her out of her crying. um, no)
i try to remind him of two things 1) please don't yell at her because it doesn't help (and she can probably sense your frustration which just makes it worse) and 2) this won't last forever, it will get better.