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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
Inlaws against naming baby after dead mother
My Boyfriends mother had Cancer a few years before he and I met, with treatment the cancer went into remission and my boyfriend began building a new relationship with his mother. The year we met his mother broke her back and soon after her cancer came back this time it was terminal, being in so much pain and not in her right mind his mother ended her own life just three days before his 24th birthday.
Two years later when we found out that we were having a girl we decided we wanted our daughter to have his mothers name as her middle name this was a huge step for him as he had just come to the decision to forgive his mother. Well my boyfriends father and his wife kind of flipped out and in no uncertain terms made it clear that they were against us using his mothers name. Then at the hospital his step mother who has been nothing but horrible to him his entire life asked us "how will you explain to her that she was named after your mother after what she did?" It makes my boyfriend very uncomfortable to talk to his stepmother about his mother so I quickly told her that our daughter would not be told how her grandmother had died until she was old enough to really understand the circumstances...that shut her up but then on facebook she refuses to use our daughters real name she announced her as Victoria Rose Margaret instead of Victoria Rosella Margaret...
Am I being overly sensitive or do I have a right to be a little pissed off? It hurts my boyfriend to have people talk about his mother in a bad way and I feel like the dead have no way to defend themselves so we have no right to judge them...
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Re: Inlaws against naming baby after dead mother
Thank you!! and that is one of my biggest fears is having her tell my four year old that her grandma shot herself....luckily we don't have a ton to do with them.
That woman is a cow. She had no right to crap all over your name choice for your baby. It's his daughter and he gets to pick whatever name he chooses and his father and stepmother don't get to have one ounce of input if that's going to be their attitude.
It doesn't matter HOW his mother died. Perhaps at some point, he'll be ready to explain it to your daughter but until then, there is absolutely no reason why the little girl cannot grow up knowing that she is named after her grandma that passed away.
Yes. You DO have every right to be pissed off.
Ditto.
I think you have every right to feel the way you do. On FB I would leave a comment correcting her (but I realize the issue is bigger than the FB thing and that that might make it worse - but I wouldn't be able to stop myself).
I have an aunt that took her own life 14 years ago and I would consider giving her name as a MN to a future daughter. Her decision was traumatizing to our family, but it didn't erase how much we loved her, how much she meant to us, and what a wonderful person she was.
DD (5 years old) from IUI in 2012
TTC 3rd and final!: IUI #1 in progress!
The only thing I can think of is that they feel that because his father had custody when he was growing up that she wasn't enough of a mother or because she did it right before his birthday that it is unforgivable. Some people just think holding onto anger and resentment is okay when all it does is break you down and hurt you.
His dad kind of just goes along with whatever the step monster says. When I met him he lived at home and they charged him 400 dollars a month in rent plus he helped out around their property which would have been fine but her son also lived their and is around the same age and she didn't even ask him to pay rent....Luckily because they choose to treat him like garbage and they smoke in their home we rarely see them we make them come to us.
Thank you so much for sharing that with me, it helps me feel justified to know that someone else found strength in the name they were given.
Ok, I am just lurking on this board so I can look at all of the cute babies, since my youngest is 9 years old and I have to wait until Sept. for my new baby...
But I saw this and I wanted to comment. I lost my dad to suicide and drug addiction, and I have become very aware of the stigma the surrounds the decision to take ones own life. There are a number of people who are unable to see suicide as anything other than weakness or craziness, rather than desperation and pain (physical or mental). That is sad, because I do believe that anyone can be pushed beyond the limits of their coping skills. Most of us never are, thankfully. It sounds like Step-monster is one of those people who has been very lucky, and has never been pushed that hard; it also sounds like she is one who will never even try to understand, so her opinion need not be considered.
As far as what to say to your daughter when she gets older, there are a number of things you can do. You can say "Grandma had cancer." The cancer was a factor in her death, after all. I told my daughter, who was very young when my dad died, that he died of depression. When she got older we talked about it more, and when I felt she was able to understand I told her the rest of the story. It's rather like talking to your child about sex, or any subject that is uncomfortable; they don't need to know all the answers right away. Give them the information in small doses. Also, make sure to tell her stories that present her Grandmother in a positive light. Tell her that she made wonderful cakes or grew beautiful roses...My dad was a musician and we often listen to his music and talk about what he was like.
Suicide is hard, because the way a person died tends to be seen as so huge that it erases the life they lived, which was so much longer and more complex than the moment that ended it. Make your discussions more about the life, rather than the death.
Sorry this was so long, and congratulations on your lovely new daughter.
I think that it is lovely that you named your DD after your BF's mother, regardless of how she died and no idiot step monster should make you feel bad about it.
We named our DS after my husbands father who dies suddenly of a heart attack when my DH was in his early 20s and it means the world to both of us that the name is carried on and I am sure that your BF feels the same. You can explain the circumstances of her grandmothers death in any way YOU choose when you think that DD is ready and able to understand.