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Special Needs
twoasone1
member
No more kids for us
twoasone1
member
After much debate over the last month or so, we have decided that we are done having kids. With us having such a high chance of having another child with DS condition and the financial toll that takes, we decided that it wasn't the responsible thing to do.
I am in the grieving process right now. I always wanted a HUGE family. I love being a mother and since I was a child, it is all I have wanted to be. I love my son so much, and wouldn't change him for anything, it is just a new reality that I am going to have to try to picture for us.
I keep focusing on the things I now know I will never do. I will never get to breastfeed (something very important to me that DS wasn't able to do) I will never feed a baby new foods, I will never be pregnant again. I will never go wedding dress shopping with a daughter some day, plan a sweet 16 or get a daughter ready for prom. I know this is all corny, but it is what is going through my mind. I also know that we may not have ever had a daughter anyway, but before there was a chance.
I am going to give myself a few days to mourn, and then start focusing on all of the good things. More money for awesome vacations with DS, be able to send him to college, etc.
Ugh, this sucks!
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Re: No more kids for us
It is a grieving process, isn't it?
But, you do have one very lucky little boy in your life!! I'm glad that you're able to take some time to take it all in, perhaps cry a little, and then move on.
I teared up reading your story about what you feel like you're going to miss. You know what?!? You may not be able to plan a sweet 16 or get your daughter ready for prom, but you may be blessed (like my MIL ;P), and get an AWESOME DIL. One that you WILL be able to help get ready for her wedding, or help her plan the wedding...
It's not all lost. It's just different!!
Hugs to you. I know how you feel; we probably won't have more children because I am 42, and since I am an only child, always wanted a big family.
Thank you ladies. I need to just let myself grieve right now for the loss of the family I always wanted.
It is going to be hard for awhile watching all of my friends and sisters having and expanding their families. I have to keep reminding myself that what will be will be and life isn't meant to be fair. You have to do the best with what you are dealt.
Thank you again for your 'listening ear'. It helps to get it out.
Big hugs. It is a grief process. Take your time.
Journaling helps me, too.
Thanks for sharing. It definitely is a grieving process. We decided to have another child, but I still grieve not being able to do all those things you mentioned with our DS. Some days are better than others, but I still feel like I missed out on simple things like breast feeding, or any kind of real oral feeding for that matter. Most moms probably take feeding for granted. I am sure that if I am able to do those things with our new baby I will feel even worse that DS missed out on so much. But then I have to think that we are just lucky he made it home from the hospital after a 99 day stay and that he continues to makes gains at home with us.
Big hugs to you. I feel like the grieving process never ends.
I'm so sorry to hear that! It is a very hard decision to come to and I know you didn't attain it lightly. I know that it's not the same as being able to be pregnant again, but (and I know this isn't EXACTLY what you want to think about now) there is always the idea of fostering or adoption. There are so many children is this world who could benefit from someone with so much love to give, and while I agree you should mourn this loss (as it is indeed a loss, to not have another child of your own), try to stay open to the idea that another child might find it's way into your lives. Just a thought! Best of luck to you and your family and I'm sure your DS feels very lucky to have such a wonderful family (whether there's 3 of you or 30!).
Thank you again ladies. I knew you would understand. I am so happy you are all here!
Cathy- we have thought about adoption. I haven't done much research on it yet, but it is my understanding that it is quite pricey. It is an idea we are completely open to though. I just don't think with Wills medical costs that we can afford the adoption process, at least if it is as expensive as I think it is. We could afford another child (without too many medical problems of course) just not the $20,000 I am imagining it costs. Like I said though, I haven't researched it much yet. I may be completely off on that.
I had to comment, first of all, my dad's entire family was born and raised in Ishpeming -- I'm assuming you must know where that is.
And, secondly, from the research that we've been doing there is an enormous tax credit for adopting -- even more so for adopting a SN kid. And, if you foster/adopt it's closer to free than anything in the thousands. Just thought I'd throw that out there for you. I've only just begun the research process.
Of course I know where that is, eh! We actually live in Negaunee.
I don't think we would be willing to adopt a special needs child at this time. We have enough on our plates in that respective with DS and is one of the reasons we aren't having another of our own.
Foster/adopt would be an option. We would really want an infant though, I wonder how that effects the process? Both of my brothers were adopted through the foster care system but they were a lot older.
What about embryo donation? I am pregnant with a healthy girl because a friend donated her embryos to me. Most embryo donation is anonymous but you get the opportunity to be pregnant, deliver, breastfeed- be a parent without the genetic link (or risk).
It costs about $2500 (much less than doing IVF with egg donation which is about $20K) and most fertility centers like the one I use to work for have an embryo donation program so you don't have to go through that horrible Snowflake organization.
I too thought I'd never be able to have anymore children but this is the best decision I have ever made to proceed with embryo donation. Most people don't know the possibility exists and I really want to push that this is a viable option for people who thought they could never have a child for financial reasons.
This is really interesting. My LO has his genetic testing next month, then my DH and I. This is something I will look into. Thank you for posting this.
You can doing intrauterine inseminations (IUI) using donor sperm which will probably run you about $1000 per cycle. Sperm costs about $400-$600 per vial and you have to factor in ultrasounds and any medications you might need take. Depending on your age you have a 15%-40% cumulative chance of getting pregnant by 1 year of IUIs.
My ovarian reserve is not great for my age so I elected to do embryo donation. The opportunity was there to get embryos so it was a perfect situation for us. I got pregnant after my first embryo transfer.
Most people who donate embryos got pregnant with egg donation (egg donor + husband's sperm= healthy baby). Most people end of with left over embryos because most egg donors are in their 20's and therefore produce a lot of good quality eggs. Recipients of egg donors feel very altruistic and want to be able to give back to the world what was so generously given to them. There are THOUSANDS of embryos sitting in storage that people will never use but don't want to discard.
If anyone wants a recommendation to a good fertility center in their area, just let me know!