What to say? (ticker & pic in siggy*)

Ruby_Soho · March 2011

My 19 year old cousin just miscarried at 13 weeks. I'm devastated for her. We had been messaging on FB about her pregnancy and she'd been asking lots of questions etc.

I haven't dealt with this myself but I know what a difficult time it can be as my sister and a best friend have. I really want to send her a message of support but don't want to say anything that might be insensitive or upsetting.

Any ideas? What was helpful to hear when you were dealing with loss? TIA

hopefulmom81 · March 2011

Thank you for posting the warning. Your little one is ADORABLE!

The biggest thing I can say is maybe don't try to say anything to try to make her "feel better" by saying something. Let her feel sad and disappointed. For example, it can be tempting to say "you will get your healthy baby" or "that baby just wasn't right" or things to try to quell her feelings, but really they just make people who suffered a loss feel worse.

The biggest things to say are, "allow yourself to grieve" "feel your feelings" and "take care of yourself" and "I am here for you". Make sure she knows she can talk to you without feeling like you always have to interject some platitude to make her feel better. I have found myself avoiding people who do that. Follow up with her and let her know you are thinking about her and are there if she wants to talk.

It is really sweet that you want to be supportive!

LaTi07 · March 2011

Honestly, a simple "I'm so sorry." If I hear "everything happens for a reason" or "your time will come" one more time I will literally punch that person in the face! Don't be offended if she doesn't respond right away or if she withdraws for a little while. Also, be sure to let her know you are there for her in any way possible.

I think it's very nice that you are concerned with what to say. So many people don't even think about it and end up making the mourning mother feel that much worse!

Ruby_Soho · March 2011

Thank you so much for the advice. I know she's going to be feeling awful. We're lucky that we have a huge supportive family but I know some of them will say those taboo phrases. She still lives at home and it was an accidental pregnancy to a less than desirable bf so that's going to make it even worse for her Sad

On the bright side (not bright but YKWIM), her Mum had a loss between her and her younger sister so she will be an amazing support.

It's frustrating, I live on the other side of the world so FB is the way we can communicate but it just feels so icky for this. Oh well.

Thank you again for the advice, I really appreciate it.

kristie2422 · March 2011

I agree that "i'm sorry" and "i'm here for you" are the best things to hear. Please stay away from "everything happens for a reason" or "it's in God's plan". Also "well jane smith had a m/c and went on to have a perfectly healthy baby right after" hurts more than anything and doesn't provide any relief. We want to grieve the loss of this baby and not think about when our time will come.

I think you are being such a great friend for asking this. It shows you really do care for her and are concerned with her feelings.

jkfranklin · March 2011

I agree with the others. Tell her how sorry you are and that you are there for her, whatever she needs. Please stay away from something like, "well you are so young maybe it's better this way." My friend m/c and my mom said, "well, they can't really afford it right now so maybe it's a good thing." I almost lost it!

1220winterbride · March 2011

hopefulmom81:

Thank you for posting the warning. Your little one is ADORABLE!

The biggest thing I can say is maybe don't try to say anything to try to make her "feel better" by saying something. Let her feel sad and disappointed. For example, it can be tempting to say "you will get your healthy baby" or "that baby just wasn't right" or things to try to quell her feelings, but really they just make people who suffered a loss feel worse.

The biggest things to say are, "allow yourself to grieve" "feel your feelings" and "take care of yourself" and "I am here for you". Make sure she knows she can talk to you without feeling like you always have to interject some platitude to make her feel better. I have found myself avoiding people who do that. Follow up with her and let her know you are thinking about her and are there if she wants to talk.

It is really sweet that you want to be supportive!

yes, this. and I am a Christian so prayer helps me, esp when others ask to pray w/ me etc. a little card or flowers is nice. a close friend who also had been thru the same thing sent a white flower bouquet and it meant the world to me. "this sucks" is ok, too!

BeautyfromAshes · March 2011

I don't know if this is true for everyone, but I appreciate when people actually ask me about the baby I lost. We had already named her Gracie, and she had a due date and she was special, yet no one ever asks me about it, and I feel like they are pretending she never existed. When a friend cares enough to validate that she was real and I was pregnant, it means a lot to me. I had a friend the other day ask, "When was Gracie due?" and it meant a lot to me. She said she'd be sure to be praying for me on that day.

I am pregnant again, so now everyone is concentrated on this pregnancy, but I am still grieving over losing that little one, and appreciate when people offer to grieve with me or even just mention that they still think about it too.

JPS · March 2011

One of the nicest things anyone said to me was "my heart hurts for you." It was simple but I knew she meant it, which was the most important thing. The same friend also sent a care package, which was wonderful and my sister sent my favorite food (we just moved away from her, so she sent me something I can't get where we live now). Just let her know you're there for her if/when she's ready to talk about it, and I'm sure that will mean a lot.

boymamaco · March 2011

I think its hard for someone who hasn't had a loss to realize this (I certainly didn't until yesterday) but even though the baby hasn't been born, it still is a loss. It still is like losing a baby. Similar to the previous poster, our unborn baby had a nickname, we talked about what he would be like, what time of year he would be born and what that would mean for him, etc. So to us, he was more than just an embryo, he was our first baby.

Ruby_Soho · March 2011

Wow ladies, thank you so much for sharing. I truely appreciate it. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to go through something like this, you must all be amazingly strong women.

I emailed my cousin. I think I'll follow up with a second message in a few days and like you suggested, maybe get a care package together for her. I think I'll also find out her EDD and do something for her on that date too.

Thank you all again, you've been fantastic Smile

SparklyCutie · March 2011

DD and siggy warning

I'm sorry is really nice. And maybe asking her how she is every now and then is nice too. I hate how other people totally forget or ignore what happened and I am still hurting.

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