dear MIL... (long and NBR, sorry)

dear MIL,

you are no longer welcome in my home. and if i could have it my way, you wouldn't be welcome in my LIFE anymore, either. be that as it may, we will figure out a way for you to be in LO's life, since you are his grandmother.

where should i begin? let's go in chronological order, shall we?

when DH and i started dating six years ago, you were not happy. and i tried to understand why at the time. obviously, it worked out and we are happily married with an LO of our own. however, i have not forgotten what you said that one night or the choice words that you screamed at me. thank goodness your son stood up to you and stood up for me. thank goodness for time and space, too. you never did apologize to me, even though we did learn to be in the same room and eventually came to like each other.

fast forward to 2009 when we got married. feeling that what mattered most was the marriage and not the wedding or the hoopla/stress surrounding such an event, DH and i decided to have a civil ceremony at the courthouse, have lunch at the restaurant where we had our first date, and then fly to phoenix for a quick weekend honeymoon. you seemed fine with it at the time and even attended our small ceremony at the church chapel a couple of months later. i even let go of the fact that you never sent out the announcements we spent over $100 on. little did we know you were planning on throwing a traditional chinese wedding banquet - something we definitely did NOT want or else we would've had one in the first place!

so i wore the traditional dress even though it was definitely not a very flattering fit and i put on the family heirloom jewelry and i smiled through dozens of pictures with people i had never met or have even seen since only to walk away from the banquet with nothing. that's right - DH and i didn't see a cent of the obscene amount of cash gifts we received at OUR wedding banquet. since you threw the party, you said you got to keep the cash gifts to cover the cost. thanks! we didn't need the money for student loans or car payments or credit card debt or heck, even to go on a real honeymoon, no, no, no, why would we need money for?! 

fine. i let go of that, too. and we met for dinner every month and i was civil. you even came over to our place a couple of times and it was fine, but now you have crossed the line for the LAST time.

LO will be baptized at the end of may. being that i am catholic and neither DH nor you are even remotely religious, DH and i agreed before LO was born that 1) he would be baptized and 2) we would both plan and pay for this and any and all other events in his life, as his parents since it is our right and privilege, is it not? we did not want a repeat of the wedding banquet. on this DH and i agreed.

now, i understand that it is chinese tradition to have a red egg and ginger party for a new baby. it was and is our intention to combine some elements of this tradition with the baptism. we made arrangements to have a special baptismal ceremony so that all of LO's godparents can be in attendance and i started planning what was to be a small, but lovely dim sum/luncheon/banquet for afterwards. DH let you and FIL know all of this and you gave your blessing, though it was not asked for in even the remotest of senses. when we tell you something, we are just sharing information with you out of courtesy. it is NOT an invitation for a discussion. by the time we tell you, the decision has been made and the discussion has already been conducted between DH and i.

then last weekend, we invite you over to have lunch. first, you walk in the door, see my mom and brother, and say, "oh, i didn't know you had company." first of all, my own family is NOT company and second, good afternoon to you, too! and then you proceed to unload the five bags of groceries you brought over even though we have told you over and over and OVER and OVER again NOT TO BRING ANYTHING. that if you want to come over to see your grandson, just come. you don't have to bring anything! i know you mean well, i really do, but honestly? when you bring groceries and food over, you're telling me that i cannot cook and take care of my own family, that your food is better than what we choose/buy/prepare for ourselves (full fat milk, salted butter, canned this, canned that, prepackaged this, prepackaged that, fried/smothered/creamy everything, etc.), and that we just cannot take care of ourselves without your help. and quite frankly, now it's just annoying because you flat out don't listen! and you know what happens? since we can't possibly eat or freeze all of your food on top of all the food we buy ourselves, it goes bad, has to get thrown out, or it creates another errand for us as we have to drive somewhere to donate the canned/packaged food we don't want to eat! thanks, just thanks.

so on this lovely afternoon, while my mom, brother, LO, and i are skyping with my cousin overseas, you call DH over to the dining room table less than 20 feet away to start discussing, very quietly, baptism/red egg party plans. the menu, the guest list, the invitations, everything. for a party that apparently includes the same 30 tables worth of people from our wedding banquet, even though DH already told you were NOT interested in having a big banquet, that the baptism would be a small affair that WE were planning for OUR son ALL WHILE I AM SITTING ACROSS THE ROOM WITH MY MOM. you didn't think i could hear you? or that i figured out what you were doing after about thirty seconds? you don't think i heard you shush DH when he tried to ask me a question? are you serious?! (don't worry about DH, he got an earful as soon as everyone went home.) you're lucky i didn't say anything, even though i really, really, really wanted to. because unlike you, i actually have manners and respect those that come into my home and share precious time with our little family, especially with LO. 

it is unbelievable how incredibly disrespectful and rude you were to me, to DH, and to my mom. it's been a week and i am still pissed off. luckily, i came up with a new plan for LO's baptism and party and i don't give a rat's behind what you think about it because you'll be lucky if you even get an invitation! and i swear to god, if you tell us to meet you for dinner some weekend night and we walk in to find 30 tables of people, i will walk out with LO and leave you to explain your latest ridiculous, underhanded, shady, outright rude and disrespectful act to your family members. neither i nor LO will be a part of it. 

having said all that, it would probably be in everyone's best interest if we don't see each other for a few weeks. give me time to cool down and give DH time to figure out how to tell you that your input/opinion/thoughts are not needed in regards to how we raise LO and what we choose to do for him in the future, from parties to birthdays to schools and other activities. WE are his parents, he is OUR son. you had your chance with YOUR sons. and yes, you are his grandparents and nothing will change that, but the key word here is GRAND. meaning that it's OUR turn and you must respect our decisions and our privacy. i'm not asking you to agree or even understand them, but you MUST respect them or you will NOT be a part of LO's life. i didn't want to say it, but there it is. 

in summary, i will not tolerate any more disrespect from you - it should have NEVER happened in the first place - so, please butt the eff out of our lives. 

signed,

your loving DIL

p.s. furthermore, that you seem to not have faith in your own son and his ability to be an adult, to be a husband and a father, and a successful working professional is beyond me. did you not intend to raise him to be independent and self-assured? are you so negative and pessimistic that it doesn't enter your mind that, "wow, my son is all grown up with a family of his own and i should just sit back and admire my parenting and share in his well-deserved joy!"? thanks for teaching me exactly how NOT to raise my son.