Custody question - LONG - sorry!
So, im new to this board (blended families, but been around theknot, nest and bump for years....have a question and wanted to see what others thoughts may be?
I am getting married next month and he is in the military and we have been together for 2 years. - I have a 2 and half year old with another man from a previous relationsip (not married to eachother).
My daughters father and I have never been to court - he doesnt pay child support, we just do our own thing - he pays for her daycare (300 a month) and I pay her health insurance.
When I get married there is a really good chance that my new hubby will be relocated. Since me and my daughters father have no custody areagements, I will have to go for full custody in order to take her out of state with me.
Her dad, i know, will fight tooth and nail to either keep me in this state (CA) or try and go for full custody himself - he has said to be off handedly that if I ever wanted to leave i could, I just couldnt take her. I dont feel that its because he truely WANTS her full time, but just to be mean to me.
ok, so I have not told her father yet that we are getting married - I dont want to give him the chance to pre-meditate anything rash - as a father his a great man, as a person he really sucks at life. I dont know what he may try if he has too much time to think about it.
I know that I have a good chance at gaining full custody without issues because I am not an addict, i have a job, my own place, Im stable, not on meds or whatever lol.
He on the other hand was "discharged" (kicked out) from the military for post tramatic stress disorder , has been prescribed many meds which he doesnt take, suffers from depression, run with a "club" that is questionalbe by the local police, lives with a male roommate, has a bad temper, drinks ALOT (supposedly when he does not have our daughter) and a whole other laundry list of things. Im not "afraid" of her safty as long as things are "smooth" between him and I, but when hes gotten mad at me for something, he often keeps me from talking to her on the phone, changes days/times for change over etc.
In addition to that, when we met, he was married, however HE DID NOT TELL ME he was married and after I told him I was pregnant he told me to get an abortion (I have the emails from these conversations). He makes 4 times as much money as me, but has never offered (nor have I asked) for child support. After she was born I moved from Eastcoast towest coast so that he could be in her life - I grew up without a father and resented my mother for it for a long time - again, as a human he sucks, as a father he is great....
So, i guess my question is, how vaild are my arguments when we go to court? Obviously this is a message board and only a laywer can truely answer me, but just wanted some forethought.
If worst case scenario happens, a judge gives us 50 50 and I cant leave the state and my new hubby will have to get out of the mility to stay here or we will have to be apart for awhile. Im more afraid of how my daughters father will act when I serve him - he has a bad temper (he has never been violent with me or with our daighter) but I have heard stories....
Thanks in advance and for any info or similar situations that can be related to....
Re: Custody question - LONG - sorry!
I don't claim to know it all and I do agree a lawyer will know 1000%.
I would take all the records of conversation,any money given, or gifts bought for DD with you to the lawyer. If you want him in her life you can have a custody arrangement(parenting plan) drawn up stating that daughter resides with you where ever your DH/SO is stationed, your ex will have to agree to this. If you're going to claim him as unfit/stable then his visitation will basically become minimal or supervised, and you moving wont be a problem.
As for your SO,if the navy is the same as the army, he can do what is called geo-baching. Basically he's a geographical bachelor living at whatever post/base the navy assigns him to. You'll remain in CA with your children and will have to see other on visits/trips. All the same privileges and benefits will remain,but he'll live in barracks/quarters versus with his family. Another option is he can try,I stress try, to remain where he currently is(im assuming thats CA) so that he can live with his family.
Good luck!
You have no court order, you have never married the father, you have 100% custody you can move anywhere you want.
He would have to get a lawyer establish paternity and would have to file for visitation/custody rights. AND depending on the state could slap him w/ back CS since the child was born.
All true. But also remember that just b/c you are the Mom does not mean they will not give him custody.
A few things:
1. If you move out of state without going to court and getting permission, they can make you move back.
2. The reasons that you think he sucks as a parent are not going to be sufficient in the eyes of the court. Those are reasons why they might not give him full custody, but it doesn't mean they'll support you taking the child out of the state.
3. The child support issue is going to be your trump card. He obviously doesn't want to pay, and if you go and get a CO established, as sweetie said, they will order CS and likely backpay.
If the idea of having to pay CS dissuades him from going to court and he tells you that you can go, you MUST at least get a notarized letter from him giving his permission.
But if I were you, I would go to court, get a CO, and go about things the right way. Even if that means you can't move.