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Hawaii Babies
redshoegirl
member
how have your relationships changed post-baby?
redshoegirl
member
Backstory to this question...
I recently watched this (which is AWESOME, btw, and totally worth checking out even if you're not into period shows) and there was a scene between a mother and her MIL where they're discussing the problems that a daughter/granddaughter is having and how to fix them. The mother looks at the MIL, gives a wry little smile and asks, "Does this mean we're friends?" The MIL laughs and says, "No, my dear. But we're allies, and that's better."
After I heard that line, I sat there for a minute in surprise because I realized that it completely summed up my relationship with my MIL after the boys were born. You all know we've had issues in the past, but the last year has been the absolute best our relationship has ever been. Somehow, having the boys really improved things between MIL and I. I don't know how or why - perhaps they give us more common ground? - but we generally get along really well these days.
How have your relationships changed since your LO was born? I don't just mean better or worse but how (if at all) the dynamics in or aspects of your relationships have altered. With your...
...husband?
...parents?
...his parents?
...other family (siblings, etc.)?
...friends?
...anyone else you want to comment on?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: how have your relationships changed post-baby?
I guess I should reply to my own poll.
Husband...we've had our times of sniping at each other while sleep deprived, but in general I think that having kids has made our relationship stronger. Or perhaps having children just puts your relationship under a microscope and makes any cracks show, so it's just shown me just how strong together we really are - even when things have been really hard, we've been very consistent in working together and helping and encouraging each other. It's also changed my view of Ben - seeing him as a father is another side of him, and it's fascinating and charming. He's always been a child person, but it's a whole new level with his own kids.
Parents...hmm. For the most part, things have stayed the same. I think my relationship with my mother has both improved and shown sharp edges - improved since I've been able to understand her point of view on life more now that I have kids, but the sharp edges are because she's said some harsh things (it took me quite some time to forgive her for airily informing me that I wouldn't be well bonded with my sons if I gave up BFing and chose to FF instead, especially since I struggled so much to BF). I also feel a bit guilty for having kids so far away because I know it hurts her not to be in their everyday lives, but there isn't anything I can do about that.
With my dad and stepmom...again, probably mostly the same. One thing it's done is give me a greater appreciation of how my dad must have felt to be separated from his children after he and my mom divorced (he had us every other weekend). It must have been very painful, and I can't say that's something I ever really understood before now, at least not on such a visceral level. If someone took my children away for 12 out of every 14 days, I would be inconsolable. He was a very loving and involved father in my childhood (at least as much as he could be) so it wasn't as though he was disinterested in us.
His parents...I've already talked about MIL. With FIL, I don't think it's changed much. A bit, perhaps, but we've always gotten along fairly well and I think we've pretty much maintained the status quo (nothing wrong with that). I do think I may have risen in his estimation by having sons though - although he has granddaughters, he's a bit old school and I think secretly had been wanting a male heir, so to speak.
Siblings...no real change in my relationship with my brother, although he still hasn't met them in person and I wish I could change that. With my sister...*sigh* She has a lot of firm beliefs, including on topics that she really knows nothing about, and kids/parenthood is a big one on that list. For example, her firm insistence that having a c-section must have been disappointing for me because "all women want to give birth naturally." Actually I was 100% fine with a c-section - hell, by that point I was pretty damn relieved! But no, I must have been disappointed, no matter what I say. Or that families who don't have a stay at home parent (mother or father) shouldn't have kids because, "If you're going to send your child to daycare to be raised by strangers, you don't need a baby and might as well just get a cat." Mmmhmm. So I guess our relationship has changed in the sense that now certain conversational topics - such as daycare lol - are off limits.
Friends...most of my friends have young children - I was one of the last in my group. It's actually been nice because they're very understanding about things like needing to get home for naptime, and in general I think I've probably gotten closer to most of them. Our conversations have probably gotten very boring to others because they're probably about our kids about 50% of the time, but hey, that's where we are in our lives right now.
...husband? We're busier but still very happy. I think having a LO does bring a bit of a new light to the relationship and I do notice that we both love how one another interacts and cares for B. I do think it's harder to make time to focus on just the two of us (date night/alone time/etc) but we try our best and we have a good balance that works for our family.
...parents? Gosh. LO changed everything. They are *obsessed* with him and want us to come over ALL the time (vs not at all before).
...his parents? A little better...maybe? Hard to tell. It's always been pretty good and I don't think it's changed too much from that.
...other family (siblings, etc.)? About the same. We're really close and still are but we just spend a bit less time hanging out (although that sorta started to happen when I got married) and definitely less 1-1 time just cuz we're all busier now/etc.
...friends? I think this changed the most (aside from my parents)...mainly because they're all single and it was easier to hang out when we were married but now with LO and bedtime schedules (and my friends don't get out of work until 7:30pm) it's been nearly impossible to do dinner and stuff. So it's been kinda rough but we make our best attempts from both sides and do what we can...
...husband?
I feel closer and more bonded with him now that we're parents. I see so much of him in my LO and that makes me smile. I also love how her is with her and how hard he works to be a good daddy and supportive husband while balancing his own pursuit of a career change (to RN) and working as well. I think we have a good system of shared parenting and we're excited about TTC#2 this year.
...parents?
My mom and I have always been close, but we have our issues too. Now that I have a daughter of my own, I have a deeper respect for my mom and how she raised three of us, one her own, basically. And at a young age (she had be and my twin brother just one month shy of her 20th birthday and our younger brother came along 16 months later)!
She watches Libby during the work week while I am at work and J is at school and it's great to see the special bond she has with Libby. She gets down on the floor with her and they spend hours playing and having fun. It's really cute! I appreciate that Libby has a youngish grandma (my mom is 56) that if full of life.
My dad is far away, but always supportive. I feel bad that we don't get to see him more often (once a year, generally, for 7-10 days) but we've recently started video chatting via Skype which is great. Libby sits on my lap and sees him on the screen and says, "Papa!" My stepsister has a daughter one month older than Libby that my dad sees regularly (in fact she sleep at their home at least 1x a week!) and my dad has said that it makes him sad that he's missing out on Libby's life. So we're doing the best we can to compensate for the distance.
...his parents?
Oddly enough, things have improved with his Dad (who we didn't see for 4 years because he basically said I was ruining J's life, yada, yada) and we went and stayed with them for 3 nights over Thanksgiving.
On the flip side, I feel things have become somewhat awkward between me and my MIL. She's questioned most of our parenting choices and has just been plain weird about coming to visit (i.e. NOT coming...she's been here 4 times since we moved to OK from CA in 2008...3 have been in the past year, but still, we live 2 hours away and she and her husband are totally retired and could come here whenever they like). She's also gone through at least 5 different nicknames for grandma and it's driving me nuts! I just call her MiMa to Libby (that was the second one she chose...the first was granny...now she wants to be called Madoo....*ugh*)...Oh well, it is what it is. Recently she told J that she and her hubby want to move to Arizona. WTF? We moved here to be closer to them AND now, after 25+ years of being in OK they want to move to AZ. That pretty much sealed the deal on us getting out of here ASAP...which will probably be about 5 years.
...other family (siblings, etc.)?
About the same with my brothers. My younger brother is fairly estranged from our family (his choice) and aside from the odd email or FB post to eachother we're not in regular contact. My twin and I talk more regularly and since he has older kids he likes to dole out the advice. But it's cute (usually) and he LOVES Libby and is thrilled that I've finally given his kiddos a cousin (mind you, they have 5 cousins from his BIL).
We're a little closer with J's sister but I think that has more with her finding herself and maturing.
...friends?
About the same. All of my BFFs in CA were moms before me, so they were happy to have me "join the club." I feel that having Libby has helped me to make some new friends here in Tulsa...with other moms, and that's something I've been really wanting since I relocated here and didn't know anyone besides my coworkers.
...anyone else you want to comment on?
For the most part, my relationships post-baby are pretty much the same as before she was here. Except with my ILs...and that's pretty surprising to both J and me!
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