am i wrong? re: dh and money

yankee42 · October 2008

so, i have always taken care of myself..always..i started working when i was legally able to with a permit at 14..and since then have not been without work for more than a couple of weeks. since DH and i have been together, we have had separate bank accounts, and i would give him $$ for bills..

of course since boys have been?here i am now a SAHM, and i adore it. not that i mind working, i never have..i just want to be with my boys, and DH insisted. we are very lucky we have the means to do this.

before i had the boys we decided i would have an allowance of $800 a month, to buy baby supplies, some groceries and anything else i need.

then when they got here, instead we got a credit card, and the limit went down to $500 a month.

then with the economy crap, he wanted to stop using the card, and said he would buy all supplies/groceries and if i ever needed anything he would give me his check card.

i hate this..i don't like asking for anything, i just don't feel right asking someone else for their $$..i know its "our $$" but i just don't feel that way, i have always been independent financially, and i can't do it..like today i really wanted to go buy some shampoo, face wash, and hats for the boys..but he needed his card. He said he is gonna get me a card for his account, but i want my OWN money..i don't want to have to explain to him why i got this super adorable baby outfit, or a cup of coffee.

i mean..$100 a month..somethin. it might be silly, but it bums me out?

EastCoastBride · October 2008

i don't want to have to explain to him why i got this super adorable baby outfit, or a cup of coffee.

But WILL you have to explain it? Would he actually make you do that? Whether you use his card or a different card - if he's pyaing the bills, I would assume he'd see all the charges anyhow. Does it really matter what card it is that you're using?

yankee42 · October 2008

he is nutso about his checking account..waaaaaaaay more than a credit card.. like with his check card, i would have to "ask" for anything..like asking my parents if i can borrow the car.."honey, can i use the card?" "what for? how much? can't that wait?"

..with my credit card with a limit of what to spend..i can just get what i want, it gets paid at the end of the month

JenniferHolly · October 2008

I would personally never be okay with that situation. In my opinion if you are married it doesn't matter who is working out of the home and who is caring for the kids, expences and money should be shared without question. You should be able to buy what you need (within your means) without having to explain/ask or account for anything! Just my 2 cents:)

Mrs.Reem · October 2008

I understand completely what you're saying. I would feel exactly the same way. I've thought about that. We too have separate bank accounts and while DH doesn't care at all what I spend money on, I still don't want to answer to why I needed a new outfit, etc. I get it totally.

How about an online account where he transfers a decided amount monthly? I know our MBNA account has a debit card attached to it and we put a certain amount (for savings) into it each month.

it would be hard for me to ask for money too. It would make me feel bad. Weird, I know but I understand where you're coming from.

choco_lab · October 2008

I don't think you are wrong. You are used to having your "own" money and don't want to feel like you have to explain yourself to him. Even if he's not asking for an explanation... it still makes for an uncomfortable situation. Could you agree on an amount that you could have in cash at the beginning of the month and then do whatever you want with that? Then you don't have to "ask to use the card". That wouldn't work for me. I would need $$ that I could just do what I wanted with and if there's left over at the end of the month.. that's great.. if not, oh well. As far as I'm concerned, being a SAHM deserves it's own "pay". You aren't paying for daycare, etc but you still deserve to be able to buy things for yourself.

jenber77 · October 2008

yankee42:

he is nutso about his checking account..waaaaaaaay more than a credit card.. like with his check card, i would have to "ask" for anything..like asking my parents if i can borrow the car.."honey, can i use the card?" "what for? how much? can't that wait?"

..with my credit card with a limit of what to spend..i can just get what i want, it gets paid at the end of the month

You definitely need to get out of this situation where you need to ask him for money. Can you set up a joint account? Would he look back at the transaction list and grill you about your purchases?

jodynjames2005 · October 2008

I would not be ok with that at all, either. You're both adults, and you're both contributing to the household in equally important ways. Besides which, it's very difficult to keep track of finances when both people are using one checking account, and even worse to try to share a single debit card. You both need your own source of funds, regardless of where it is or how much it is. And, in fact, other than what he is spending on the household, he shouldn't have any more spending money than you do!

My DH and I always had everything joint, but he is awful with money so he did not have a debit card to our joint account. But, we both received a certain amount of spending money every month that was ours without question and didn't have to be used on anything practical... groceries, gas, etc all came out of the joint account, and then we had individual accounts for our spending money. The amount varied (DH always wanted more, I always wanted less to try to put more in savings), but otherwise the system worked well for us. We pretty much never had any money issues whatsoever.

Alli321 · October 2008

I don't think you are wrong. I wouldn't like that situation. Could you guys agree on an allowance and have him take the money out of checking and give it to you in cash at once? It is still like asking for money which may be annoying, but at least he won't see a charge for coffee or something like he would if you used a check card, and you wouldn't have to explain yourself.

talentedgirl · October 2008

I know exactly how you feel. Sit him down and talk it out. Money is always a hard thing to talk about especially when you have always made your own, and now aren't. I have a $100 a month of mad money, mine to spend as I want on what I want, no questions asked. We have a shared credit card that I buy groceries, gas, pay bills, etc with.

Before we got the shared card, I had to ask DH to give me is card, which bothered the hell out of me. And he was such a stickler for getting it back, literally in the door from work, hi sweetheart, where is my card? It drove me crazy, even if I was feeding DS, I would get up and get it just to shut him up. I finally lost it on him one day, now I have my own. It likely would have been better to talk it out because it was a huge arguement.

MayDayGirl · October 2008

I would have a really hard time being in your shoes. But in a sense my DH is. I do the finances and when he needs something he tells me and I put money in his account. We're super tight so I have to budget everything, so when/if he needs gas or anything else, he lets me know and I work it in... but I don't just have X amount of money to give him each month so we have to do it that way....

But it also works for us, cuz he's not doing the grocery/toiletry/gift/baby shopping. I think it would be A LOT harder for me doing those things to be in your shoes.

I'm sorry !

LucyPevensie · October 2008

Oh honey - I would never be OK with that situation either.

I may be overstepping here - but you seem like such a nice person Nora. And I've seen you post a few times about how little your DH helps you with the boys (and I understand he works a lot - I am not trying to demonize him) and now you are saying he's really controlling the purse strings and your spending. Even though you already had an agreement in place - that has now gone out the window because HE decided it was out the window. It's not cool, and it's not OK. You are ALSO working REALLY REALLY hard - and he is your husband, not your dad. For him to question your judgement about what you need to spend money on is really lame, insulting and chauvinistic. Again - it's not OK.

franciscaz · October 2008

Ugh... something feels very 1940's and all. My money and if you need something I will allow you to write a check or maybe even lend you my card...

When DH and I married we decided quickly his money and my money was OUR money! We got a joint account where both of us have debit cards. We have each other's names on our different 401K's, RothIRA's etc., emergency accounts and flex account. Nothing is his or mine! IMO that is how marriage should be. Of course this does mean we sit down weekly budgeting and reviewing how we are sticking to our budgeting. He has to justify why he spent a lot of money on say grocieries and why I spent $40 at Carters if it wasn't on the budget.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It just doesn't seem right in this day and age.

itsmevkb · October 2008

I'm totally with you on having your "own" money and honestly, I want the same for my husband. I don't want to know about the little play army men he buys and I don't want to have to justify the new pair of shoes I just bought. We have separate checking accounts and each pay a set of bills and for certain household items and then whatever is leftover is ours to spend individually. But, I'm also the main breadwinner so I don't know what will happen once my husband is done with school and working a better job, or what we would have done if I had become a SAHM. I think though that I would have insisted on taking care of the money for fear of something like this happening. Can you do that - offer to take over all the finances? Or, what about writing down a loose budget of what your monthly expenses are (for the things you buy for the kids, etc.) and then tack on a little extra for things like a cup of coffee and then have that amount automatically transferred into your own account from his every month? I guess if he's not comfortable with those ideas then I'd ask him to please call home before he ever uses his card so that you can pre-approve his purchases in the same way he's sort of doing with yours!

GuitaristsGirl · October 2008

I would never be okay with having to ask him for money either. But I'm also not okay with the idea that things for the home, the kids, etc., comes out of "my" allowence.

Please don't think I'm saying DH and I have it all figured out, but if I may suggest what we do - we have one account with both of our names on it, and we both have debit cards for the account. At the beginning of each month (or quarter or whatever) we sit down together and write out a budget with different catergories (or, one of us will do it and go over it with the other)

There are always more catergories that "apply" to me -- but so what?!! For instances, we have catergories for things like gifts, haircuts (both of ours), personal items (makeup, etc.) family clothing. During certain times there will be a catergory for "house" or "yard". . . then, there's a misc. catergory that's usually for overflow or just those random things from Target When money gets tight, that's where we cut back! Oh, I also usually budget in my nails And, during the summer, we budget in for golf.

Then, we each get a set amount of cash for the month. He gets more than me because he buys his lunches most days (we've agreed to this). I usually use mine for starbucks So, I guess this is our "fun money" . . . but honestly, things that are important to us go in the budget. That way its understood and nobody's "asking" when the time comes. . . ..

GL whatever you decide!

crystalgirl · October 2008

Personally, I'm a huge proponent of having ONE account and none of this "my money" / "your money" stuff. I don't understand why people don't do that from the beginning when they're both working. Pool the money, and no one notices who spent what on what.

My mom and stepdad have separate accounts, and she pays "her bills" with her income, while he covers the big things like the house and utilities. But her income is so much less than his, she still ends up having to "ask him for money" when she wants to do something like buy new furniture or buy an airline ticket. This just royally pisses me off. DH and I make those decisions TOGETHER.

I'm sorry I'm not being very helpful. IMO, it's just flat out wrong for him to make you justify and explain any purchases you make. I think you should have equal access to the account so that you're never asking for anything. Everyday stuff is what it is. Bigger purchases (on both sides) should be discussed and agreed upon.

This is just such a huge thorn in so many relationships, and I don't understand why it has to be that way. I'm so sorry, honey.

MereD19 · October 2008

What if you just made out a flat budget?? What you would *normally* spend the $500/month on ... budget it out. Like groceries, baby stuff, "fun" money.

That is what we are doing ... (and I am a SAHW soon to be mommy).

I just take out cash each week for groceries (I imagine when we have kids it might be like every 2 weeks instead of shopping once a week). Then, he transfers over my allotted "fun money" into my account per month - and I can do whatever I please .... coffee ... shopping .... massage ..... save it up .... whatever. (He gets the same amount of fun money per month, too).

The only time we will use our CC's now is for gas, and emergencies.

I know that it sucks to be "on a budget", but if you work it out TOGETHER, then I think it can be a really good thing.

pirate-elle · October 2008

I totally understand. DH and I have separate accounts, mostly because he runs a business so it's a good way to keep track of his accounting. I don't think that either separate or joint accounts are right or wrong - it's what works for each individual couple.

I'm considering not going back to work and the 'asking for money' thing really bugs me - I've never not had a source of income. DH never asks me to justify my expenses, but I find myself explaining them to him anyways, just so he knows - I think somewhere in the back of my mind I still have guilt that this is 'his' money, which I know is wrong.

Maybe you need to set up a joint household account, and there should be money in it for you to use at your discretion, or at least have your own debit card - I'd feel pretty helpless without easy access to money. And I certainly wouldn't feel like an equal partner in my marriage if I had to ask.

skoorbnibor · October 2008

ok, so I am also a SAHM, but we worked out a household account when we moved in together years ago. We looked at our incomes and we each put 60% of our income into one account, and 40% we put in our own accounts. Eventually, Todd closed his personal account but I still have mine. We use out joint account for everything now and I use my personal account to save for christmas and vacations. Once I stoppped working, of course nothing went into my account so we are now used to using only our joint account. If it was in his name only, I would feel weird spending money, even for groceries, so I am glad we did it this way.

I would not like your set up. I would feel as if he was looking at it as his money and I would feel as if my job (SAHM) was without value.

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