Been lurking; need advice (kinda long)

aundraya · March 2011

Okay, so as stalkerish as this may sound, I've been lurking here for the past month or so, even though I'm not a single parent. I guess the reason I'm even on this board is b/c I'm looking for reasons. I've been reading all your reasons for leaving, and they all seem like you are much better off without your XHs, but my concerns and doubts about my own marriage aren't as clear cut as what I've seen on here. I guess I feel like I'm selfish for even thinking about divorce....

So here's my story. I got pregnant a year out of high school, and I agreed to marry my bf at the time if he would agree to put off going into the service long enough so that I could finish college. I had won a bunch of scholarships, and I was basically getting paid to go to school (the one thing in life I love *almost* as much as my DD). I told him I would pay his way through school when I was finished or I would support his military career, whichever he chose. Six months after our DD was born he finally admits to me that we have no more savings, and we're not making enough to cover our small amount of bills. I, like and idiot, had let him handle all the finances. (Stupid, stupid, stupid!) He then tells me that the only way out he sees is for him to join the military. I agree, and let him go. We were fighting so much at the time, and he had scared me a few times. He had never gotten violent, but there were a few "red flags". I was sort of relieved to let him go.

When he got to bootcamp he opened a new account without me and had all of his pay deposited into that. I was living with my alcoholic parents with my six month old trying to go to school full time, and there was no money coming in. I had to borrow moeny from family until he finally got the paperwork straightened out so that I would start getting some cash, but by that point I couldn't afford to go back to school the following semester, even with all of my scholarships. So I got a full time job and quit school.

Things got better; he stayed gone for training. We would only see him once every three months or so, and life was really good. Then about two months ago he finally got his permanent duty station. I agreed to follow him there if he would agree to pay my bills so that I could save whatever I make to go back to school in the fall. He's agreed to that, so I quit my wonderful job, packed up, and now we're in a new state. Since we've moved here, we've done nothing but fight, and now he's deployed!

He's a good man, and a great father. He's not on drugs or cheating on me, but he's so irresponsible. I can't trust him with money or our security, and he's emotionally, as well as physically now, distant. I have already seen that I don't fit the mold as far as the other military spouses I've met go. I don't want to divorce him, but I feel like my DD and I are okay without him. I also feel like this "part time dad" thing is starting to wear on her too. She finally got used to having him around, and he's gone again, what kind of message is that sending her? I know he's not deploying by choice, but if you heard him, you'd hear how much he is obsessed with his job! It's like oxygen for him, but I don't like this lifestyle one bit.

I guess what I'm getting at did anyone go through this? Do I just sound selfish?

momranda · March 2011

You are in no way selfish. I grew up in this home you are raising your daughter in. My dad spent 25 years in the air force, constantly volunteering for TDY, deployments and remotes.He missed my oldest brothers high school graduation, he never went to any of my 2nd oldest brothers track meets, he missed me and my twin brothers 1st birthday,and he missed the birth of my little brother, and was rarely home for holidays. When he was home he treated us kids like we were in boot camp, and controlled my moms every actions. Even while my dad was away, he would intentionally leave my mom 200 a week for "spending and grocery money" for 7 kids. For awhile my mom would tell us that things would get better. But as time went on, it all got worse. He never got abusive, but the relationship between him and my mom was obviously strained, and the relationship between his kids, especially the youngest 4, was nearly non-existent. My parents ended up getting divorce when I was 18- after 32 years of marriage, and honestly 15 years too late. Since we moved around so much prior to my parents divorce, when they finally split my mom was totally alone, 28 hours away from her family (other than us kids) I cant even imagine how my mom made it through every day with nobody to go to.

Basically what Im saying is if you are not happy now, you arent going to be happy later. people say they change, but their souls are still the same. If you feel as if he is distant, and you are obviously a great distance from your own family, then it might be a good time to get away before you miss out on the opportunities you have in life.

LovelyV11 · March 2011

Yea, I agree with Momranda.. Get out of it while you still have the chance and time. Good Luck with that. It seems as tho you already know what to do.. just needed a space to speak more on it!!

Mrs.Keith2B · March 2011

The thing that stuck out the most to me is that you were happiest when he was gone. That's a huge, huge sign to me. I never once heard you say you loved him either. So, you're happy when he's gone and you don't love him....IMHO, you need to end this marriage. A marriage, that from the sounds of it, was done for the wrong reasons.

Your DD deserves to have two parents who love her, but are happy with themselves as well. And it sounds like the only way for you to do that is to be without him. The fact that he's irresponsible with money and basically has all control over it worries me. Can you work to start savings while he's deployed?

aundraya · March 2011

I've honestly been trying to find a job since we moved here, but I haven't had any luck. Since I didn't finish school I am only "qualified" for waiting tables or working retail, both of which require that you work nights and/or weekends. I'm looking into the type of after hours child care they have here on base, b/c I don't know anybody with teenagers to babysit. I had a really good job back home, and I am pretty sure I could get it back, but I have a six month lease on the place we just moved into.

I do love him, but I know that emotions just cloud your judgement, which is why I didn't say anything about that before. You can love someone, and they can still not be good for you, right?

sweetie0228 · March 2011

Do you love him or the idea of him?

Also try a service like Officeteam...especially if you had some college they might be able to get you into an entry level office job/receptionist type thing. I've used them both before and after I graduated univeristy. I've only had positive experiences and ALWAYS found fulltime employment through them.

achase123 · March 2011

The decision is entirely up to you, however, it does sound like you got married for the wrong reasons and that you do not love him. There is also a basic level of trust that he has betrayed. Even though he has not cheated, done drugs, or something drastic like that, trust is trust, and it sounds like you do not have that.

HisChamaoleGirl · March 2011

aundraya:
I've honestly been trying to find a job since we moved here, but I haven't had any luck. Since I didn't finish school I am only "qualified" for waiting tables or working retail, both of which require that you work nights and/or weekends. I'm looking into the type of after hours child care they have here on base, b/c I don't know anybody with teenagers to babysit. I had a really good job back home, and I am pretty sure I could get it back, but I have a six month lease on the place we just moved into.
I do love him, but I know that emotions just cloud your judgement, which is why I didn't say anything about that before. You can love someone, and they can still not be good for you, right?

HisChamaoleGirl · March 2011

aundraya:
I've honestly been trying to find a job since we moved here, but I haven't had any luck. Since I didn't finish school I am only "qualified" for waiting tables or working retail, both of which require that you work nights and/or weekends. I'm looking into the type of after hours child care they have here on base, b/c I don't know anybody with teenagers to babysit. I had a really good job back home, and I am pretty sure I could get it back, but I have a six month lease on the place we just moved into.
I do love him, but I know that emotions just cloud your judgement, which is why I didn't say anything about that before. You can love someone, and they can still not be good for you, right?

HisChamaoleGirl · March 2011

I am going to give you advice on the military life part of this situation.

Can I ask what base you are at? The reason I am asking is because I am in the military too and though its hard to maintain a career because military life makes you move so often you CAN get a job on base/military affiliated and when you move you can transfer your experience.

Also, check out militaryonesource.com and search child care. We found reasonably priced child care through sittercity.com (with background checks) just go through militaryonesource website to get the free membership to sittercity.

You said your husband is deployed right ? You can use his orders to get our of your lease early at no financial fault to yourself.

Also, if you do decide to leave him during the time you are seperated (before divorce is final) he has a financial responsibility to you that is outlined by rank by the military.

Good luck to you!

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