Why Do People Respond Like This about Natural Childbirth?!
I have decided to have a natural birth, and was telling one of my close friends a few weeks ago (I'll call her Tiffany) about the Bradley book I'm reading.
So this weekend we were all out with several of our friends, and Tiffany's husband asked me about why I wanted to have a natural delivery and what the risks/side effects of an epidural were. (I think he genuinely wanted to know.)
I really didn't want to talk about it in front of everyone, because DH and I decided we weren't going to tell anyone else..because we didn't want to hear their opinions about it.
Well, when I started to tell him how an epidural can slow down fetal HR and slow down labor, increasing the possibility of needing a C-section, among other interventions, one of our other friends (I'll call her Jennifer) chimed in. She proceeded to tell me how I was wrong, that her doctor had told her that an epidural doesn't slow down fetal HR, is completely safe, etc.
Then she said, "Well you can talk about wanting to have a natural birth all you want now, but until you are actually in labor you can't really decide that. It's easy to say that now because you've never been in labor. You will change your mind when you start having pain..just wait."
Jennifer has had two epidural births w/o complications and has two healthy children with another one on the way, and I wasn't in any way condemning her for her decision to have an epidural.
My feelings were really hurt and I don't understand why people have to be so condescending and defensive about medicated vs. natural birth, and why they feel so entitled to give their opinion. It's my choice, so why does it matter what I choose to do?! I really want to be around encouraging, supportive people, and "friends" like this who treat me like I'm stupid b/c I want a natural childbirth w/ my first make me so frustrated!
I just needed to vent about this!
How do you respond to people like this? What can I do if this topic is ever brought up again?
Re: Why Do People Respond Like This about Natural Childbirth?!
Yup... been there. I even had MEN telling me that I'd want an epidural -- "Yeah? Like you'd know how?"
I just kept it really simple, and told people that I had done my research and strongly felt that was what was best for me and my baby and left it at that. If they wanted more info, I'd tell them I had a couple of books that had lots of information on the topic if they'd like to borrow them sometime.
If someone's asking because they are pregnant and looking at options and actually wondering, that's one thing, but when it's just random people for whom it doesn't really matter, I try to keep it the conversation as simple as possible... I don't like to get in arguments about stuff when I don't have my resources with me to back me up, because then it just turns into a battle of "I read this"/"well, I heard this" and random stories about their second-cousin's uncle's grandkid who had this or that happen to them.
Eh, people can be condescending and defensive on the natural birth side too. Birth is a very personal, intimate event and it brings out a lot of emotions in people.
I don't really see the need to respond to people in these types of discussions. I don't really talk about my birth plans with people unless I know they can be understanding and non-judgmental. If they start to say things like "you're crazy for wanting a natural birth," I usually change the topic pretty quickly. There's no need to get into heated debates and get your feelings hurt here.
Why do people feel they have to tell others they want a "natural" birth? If you didn't trumpet it out and call it "natural" (I call it the natural thing to be wanting pain relief) then no one would offend you. Are you objecting to your assumptions being challenged? Or to her "wait and see" advice?
I would never bother to tell a woman "wait until you feel the pain"...she will find that out on her own and won't listen before that so I just wouldn't bother.
But I would fight the nonsense about epidurals doing harm. Those are exaggerations spread by people who have no interest in women enjoying labour imho.
Not quite sure why you even mentioned you wanted a "natural" birth?
As with any drugs, there are risks of side effects when choosing to have an epidural, and people should know what those are.
I thought AmericanPregnancy.org had a very non-biased article on the risks involved with choosing an epidural, if you're interested.
I'm new to the Natural Birth board and haven't yet introduced myself but I came across your post and had to go on and repsond.
Modern science is amazing. Knowing that pain free (well basically) births are possible is just insane. This topic can go either way but I do want to encourage you to continue on the path you are on and ignore those who don't agree with you. Just because one woman can't handle it doesn't mean another can't. Sometimes it's second time moms choosing natural birth hoping for a different experience, and the majority of the time the experience is much better.
Well, I never actually volunteered this information to anyone. The only person I had told was the first friend I mentioned AFTER she asked me about it. I couldn't help it that she told her husband, who decided to bring it up in front of several other people. As I said before, we had decided we weren't going to tell anyone else about our plans. I was in a situation where a question about my decision was brought up and responded in the best way I knew possible.
As I mentioned, I never "trumpeted" the fact that I want a natural birth. I never was judgmental of her decision to use an epidural, so I was surprised that she felt the need to be judgmental and defensive about my decision.
I understand everyone is different and not everyone feels the same way about wanting a natural birth, that's why I am making a choice about what I feel is best for ME, not anyone else.
P.S. I question why you're on the Natural Birth board if you're so defensive about it too?
Thanks..this is helpful.
I think the people who say you're crazy for going natural are just realistic about the pain because "most" of them have gone through childbirth. Maybe it's their way of trying to help you prepare for reality. As for me, I think it's great if someone wants to try and go natural. Any woman who can do it without drugs is a hero in my book. I would have loved to go without drugs but then I quickly came to the realization of what was right for me once I started going into labor.....because it feels like the entire force of the earth's gravity is trying to suck your innards out of your vagina. Luckily (and very commonly), it had no side effects on neither baby nor me. My birthing experience was perfect for it. And most likely yours will be too. With or without drugs.
Basically... people are uneducated douchebags. The vast majority of them have no idea what they're talking about. I find that the people who are the most outspoken against going natural are also the least educated. In my book, "my doctor said"... is not a valid argument. OF COURSE YOUR DOCTOR TOLD YOU IT'S SAFE. Your doc doesn't want to deal with a natural birth because it takes longer and is significantly less convenient for them.
I've pretty much given up on trying to educate my more pro- medical friends. They will do what they will do, and that's fine. But they know better than to say anything to me about my choices.
Bwahahahahaha. This is totally true. Made my night.
With people like that I would often say something along the lines of "well, I'll keep my options open" even though I knew going med free was what I WANTED and what I would try my hardest to achieve. I don't care what anyone thinks about my birth choices, they're mine and have nothing to do with them. If someone wants to have a real discussion that's great...otherwise you can't try and change someone's mind.
Every labor is different, for some and epi is truly the only way to get through it and it's not surprising with how much fear there is in our society surrounding birth.
With my first, I had a wonderful med-free labor. My goal was to do everything in my power to reach my goal and fully accept that there were many situations that were outside of my control that might change my plans. It was very freeing. As far as the labor itself - I enjoyed it. Honestly enjoyed the entire experience. The pain was never too much to handle and the experience was amazing.
Best of luck to you!
I had an appointment with an anesthesiologist prior to my first child. I needed to check I could actually HAVE an epidural as I wanted. I had both men and women co-irkers say "oh why do you want THAT? How awful for the poor baby? Don't you owe it to them ...blah blah blah".
Nope. I don't owe agony to my child and I bonded much better for not suffering it. I was perfectly safe as is the norm for women who have epidurals. If you count the 1 in 1 million mishaps you must acknowledge that these pale into insignificance beside the error rate or misadventure rate of crossing the road, driving a car, birth without medication or birth at home. You cannot cumulate the figures for all hospital sad stories and put them down to hospitals, let alone epidurals. People with many hard situations naturally turn to hospitals and raise the stats. That doesn't make them dangerous places. It makes them places that can deal with hard situations. Given the unpredictability of any birth I'd call hospital the most sensible place to be.
But I don't care if you don't. Just don't tell me I'm taking these awful risks by having an epidural.
I had a hard labor with DD. I spent the first 4-5 hours with diarrhea. Like- I couldn't have left my house if I had wanted to GI distress. After it stopped, I drank some water, took a shower and DH and I left for the hospital. I was dizzy and severely dehydrated. I needed IV fluids. I will honestly say that the pain felt worse when I was strapped to the bed (monitor and IV) then when I was at home. My contractions had been 2 minutes apart at home, too. They just felt worse when I was immobile.
I started to worry that I would be to weak to push my baby out due to not sleeping all night and the GI issues. Just because they replenish your fluids, doesn't mean that you have energy (no food since night before). I waited until I reached 7 cm and got the epi. I was able to rest and push my DD out. It only took on one side, so I could feel pressure and was happy with that. Maybe I could have done it without the epi, but I'll never know. I have one friend IRL who went med-free and I am happy that she got the birth she wanted.
That friend put a comment on her FB about how she went med-free. Most people wrote positive things like "awesome, way to go, wow". Some people wrote things like "why?". Another friend, who has no children, wrote "real women don't need pain meds". That started a sh*tstorm. Maybe your friend felt that your were judging her not to be a "real woman" b/c she opted for the epi. You weren't, but she may have felt defensive about it.
I had not told anyone that I wanted to go med-free, because I didn't want to deal with the negative comments. I also didn't want the "you don't get a medal" comments if I did it or the "see- I told you so" if I didn't. I was lucky to not have to fight with the doc or nurses about pitocin because I progressed according to their arbitrary schedule. I would tell people that I wanted "DD to come on her own", meaning no induction. I would also say that I hoped that my labor would not have to be "augmented with pitocin", but nothing more than that.
I would just ignore the negative comments and keep your plans to yourself. I hope that you have a fast, easy labor and get a healthy baby at the end of it! Good luck!
Ugh, this makes me angry, so I can imagine how you feel. I dealt with this a lot and still do, even though I've done it. People would say to me, "Your a stronger woman than I am!"
You know what, there is going to come a moment during your labor, where if someone offered you drugs, you might take it. BUT you are making the decision to birth in a certain way for yourself and for your baby. So you'll use other methods of relief. Plus, when you get to that point, labor will almost be over! I also found it difficult to speak about before I had actually done it. So, if it makes you feel better, I say don't talk about it until afterwards!
So, congrats on wanting to have a natural childbirth. I'm always glad to hear it : ) Many people aren't educated about childbirth in general. Trust me, I have friends about to give birth, and they don't think any of what I know applies to them, since they see the type of birth I had as completely different from theirs. I'm all for everyone having whatever type of birth makes them happy, but if you tell me you don't want a c-section, then I'm going to tell you what I know so that you can cut your risk of having one.I say, you should speak about what you do know about birth and why your having a med-free birth, because if more people were educated (especially the husbands) maybe we wouldn't have a 30% cesarean rate!
I'd just be blunt with your friends and tell them you respect the way they want to birth, but you feel differently and have different views.Tell them you'd like them to be more supportive of your decisions. And apologize if what you said was insulting towards them.
i had natural birth without any complications. most of my friends were supportive (at least to my face). when other ppl told me "just wait" i just replied "i have high pain tolerance", "everyone's experience is different" or would say "well, you know me, i'm a hippie" and laugh it off. But i'm so happy i had natural birth because it was an amazing experience. i do not do well with anesthesia or any kind of drugs in general. we got it on video and shared it with a few close friends and they were all amazed and will probably never doubt me again
No one is telling you anything.
OP, I agree with PP, it's not because they are trying to be rude (even though they are), they have just gone through it and know how painful it can be.
Birth choices are a very personal and touchy subject as you know, but it does go both ways. Someone overhearing you talk about how risky and epidural is may make them feel as if you're implying (even though you aren't) that they took unnecessary risks by choosing one. I have made it a habit of only discussing my birth choices with people who are genuinely interested, and then I discuss it in private. I think it has helped cut down on the negative comments and hurt feelings.
well aren't you a peach. so, you are here on the natural birth board because you think it's natural to want pain meds? i'm not saying that it is or isn't natural, i'm just trying to understand you.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
YESSSSSS! we have officially made it, y'all.
I cannot stress THAT enough. My chances of having a baby with trisomy18 was 1 in over 2000. Your chances of having a Single Umbilical Artery is 1 in 100. Guess what, I was one in 100. My baby (born this past August) was 1 in over 2000 born with Trisomy18. You don't worry about the statistics until you ARE one.
That being said, I have a friend whose sister had to re-learn how to walk after her epidural. I have another friend whose SIL has permanent nerve damage in her back because her epidural. Those two things alone with my history of being a statistic would have kept me away from an epidural. BUT the icing on the cake: I had a lady and her mom in my restaurant one night. The lady was in a wheelchair, completely incoherent. The server who was taking care of them has a sister with epilepsy so he was curious as to what was wrong with the lady so he asked her mom who told him that she was in labor and had an epidural which was the cause of serious complications that ended up killing the baby and leaving the lady severely brain damaged. Now this was isolated incident, I get that. But considering the fact that I've a statistic enough, I'm not about to put myself in a situation to be given the opportunity to be another statistic when having a natural childbirth is completely possible. Mistakes happen and given my history as it is I'm not okay with them happening to me because I was too selfish to deal with the physical pain.
We are choosing natural, which is of course why i'm posting on this board....lol. but I do believe women have a personal choice. I think discussing natural birth makes women who have had medicated births maybe feel inferior because they didn't feel they could do it naturally? just a thought. Like I say i think it's a personal choice but maybe that is where the defensiveness comes in.
I think people respond like this because they don't want to think they did it wrong - or endangered their babies by choosing the epidural. I had this response the first time I said I was going to go natural, I basically got the crazy face and "why the hell would you do that!?"
Now I avoid telling anyone my plans... and I remind myself although I'm aiming and preparing for a natural, med-free birth - I won't knows until I'm in the thick of it since it's my first. I feel strongly it's the best for me and the baby to go med-free and am trying to make sure I have all the tools/support I need to get through it. We'll see
Hi. I'm a lurker who is de-lurking, too.
I had people question me wanting to go natural and wondering why in the world I would not want an epidural if it was available to me. I would just respond that I know myself - that I wanted to be able to move around and feel what was going on with my body, I know how medication affects me and that I felt that going med-free was the best option for me and my birth experience. I would always say it with a little shrug and a smile and it seemed to work pretty well - people usually weren't as defensive when I responded that way.
I did have a few people push back and tell me that I'd change my mind once I was in labor (and, realistically, I was rethinking my decision from 8-10 cm) but I was happy that I was able to move around and do what was best for me during that process.
HAHAHAHHA! Because the title of your care provider has sooooo much to do with how much pain your contractions cause. OMG, that is hilarious!
Here in Brazil our c-section rate is a whopping 43%. Yes, that's right. Almost half. Do you know why? Because it pays more - it goes down to 26% (still an allarmingly high number) in public hospitals and up to 80% in private hospitals. The doctors admit you for a natural birth and than make up an excuse to give you a c-section. Isn't that just lovely?
That for me goes to prove how people can fabricate lie in order to milk some money out of an ignorant parent. And, unless you're a specialized doctor, you are an "ignorant", because no amount of research will give you the guts to go against your doctors orders. And get who gets paid when you choose to have an epidural? That's right, an anaesthesiologist. I don't know how it is in the US, but over here those guys make a lot of money.
In fact, anywhere in the world a lot of people make a lot of money out of scared, unprepared pregnant women in labor. Yes, there are inumerous complications that could arise at birth, and doctors are great with those. But birth in itself is still usually a natural process and therefore the pain should be within the limits your body can bear - not that you have any obligation to bear it, I'm just saying it is obviously physiologically possible.
I've nothing against women who have epidurals, or those who choose C-sections. Some of them may get defensive when they hear of the risks involved because they feel judged for not being able to handle the whole process. After all, if an epidural poses a threat to your baby's health and you still had one just for your confort, than you must be a cowardly, selfish woman. Except none of them would really take that road if they ever thought that it would endanger their baby in any way. They just figure they're suffering unnecessary pain, and have that pain stopped. That's all.
I want to have as natural a birth as possible. Maybe I will ask for the epidural when push comes to shove, but I'll still try to go without it. Not just because of the risks of the epidural. Not just because I'd prefer to avoid any kind of medical intervention that isn't strictly necessary. But because I want to be in charge of the birth of my child. Not a patient, not a spectator. I want the doctors to be there just in case they are needed, not to direct or take over the whole thing. I want to move, to feel my body going into labor, giving up the child in my womb. I want to fully experience birth, pain and all. And that is like creed, like religion. It is unexplainable and undebatable.
So don't. Don't explain anything, ever. Just say that's what feels right for you. I know you were only trying to help and that guy seemed genuinely interested... but just imagine him going up to his wife later on and saying that maybe she should try to have the next one without an epidural. That guy's gonna sleep in the dog's house for a month. At least.
May all of us have easy and uncomplicated births of healthy, strong babies!
All the best!
I think this really depend on what definition of "natural birth" a person is using which can be different for everyone. In my opinion and experience a natural birth is any birth where the baby exits through the birth canal. That being said a birth where an epidural or other meds are used or where forceps or a vacuum or used can still be referred to as a natural birth. Don't confuse the terms natural birth with unmedicated birth or unassisted birth as they are all different. I had a c/s with my first (and was not co-erced into it in any way and it was highly medically necessarily) and had a VBAC with my second. I asked for an epidural at about 8 cm but it was too late and had an unmedicated birth that ended up requiring forceps-but I felt EVERYTHING. Although intervention was required it was still a natural birth. If someone were to tell me it wasn't I would have a hefty debate on my hands. And yes it is natural to want pain relief, it is natural to not want to be in pain. I would never consider telling someone that because they used an epidural and pushed out their baby that it wasn't natural, it was a natural AND medicated birth. Definitions here are getting confused and some lines are getting blurred.
In response to the original post...I think women who have gone through it before and taken an epidural may a-feel as though they are being put down for their choices or b-don't like the idea of their friends or others in general in pain and in some way want you to not be in pain as well, its the way they go about it that is wrong.
I figure to each their own, I encourage everyone to be open-minded in both regards. Often women who don't have the birth experience they planned become very down on themselves and it puts them at a greater risk for ppd
In my own experience I had actually wanted a 2nd c/s however my doctor was insistent I have a VBAC as was everyone else. I found it ironic how everyone would say how I HAD to have a VBAC and then when I finally did it (and successfully) everyone was so amazed and in shock that I went such a "risky" route. People just can't make up their minds, myself included. With this 3rd baby I will really have to play it by ear to decided whether or not I get an epidural or not, from the past experience I have had, but I also havd very fast labour so that can make a big difference. If I do get an epidural though and push that baby out in no way will I allow anyone to tell me that it wasn't natural, a medicated birth does not negate it being natural.
I find it extremely interesting how many people feel the need to tell you that you are doing the right or the wrong things. I spent 22 days in the hospital in 2010. I had one spinal tap in 2010 and another one in 2011. The risk of the spinal tap were very discouraging and I became a statistic. I had to have a blood patch done in 2011. These experiences in addition to being on a large amount of medication and being almost non-functioning for many many days. I had decided that I would have a natural birth. I have mentioned to a few people while in the hospital that I would have a natural birth. So many responded with the statement of you are an idiot. The common statement about the amount of pain. After the pain from the spinal tap and months full of medication I want my birthing experience to be memorable and special. I am thankful my SO is just as supportive as I am positive on our decision.
My words of encouragement is to stay focused on your desires and do what is right for you!
My husband and I are in a very similar situation as you are. I find it amazing that people feel the need to negatively comment on everything. We are getting the same comments you are, but on both sides of the family.
My mother has convinced herself that because I am going to a midwife I have a higher risk of dying! She feels the need to tell me daily.
We have had negative comments thrown at us for everything: our choice to have natural childbirth, our choice to go to a midwife, my choice to breast feed, our choice to use cloth diapers, our choice to go to Lamaze class?. It doesn?t stop. And I?ve learned that everyone things they?re an expert.
I?m glad to know I am not the only one going through this. Chin up!