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grandma as caretaker vent

MrsJOSEnADRIMrsJOSEnADRI
in South Florida Babies

Let me just start off by saying that I love my mom and I know she loves Elise and wants to do what is best for her, but....  I just don't get what she does with her during the day.

I spent all of Spring Break with Elise and she is like a little clock when it comes to naps/feedings. On average, she feeds every 3 hours and naps after 2 hours of awake time.  Even the days we spent out and about, she followed this routine no matter where we were.  She also STTN each night from 8:30ish to 7:30 or so.  If she did wake up for a feeding it was always after 5 a.m. which still counts as STTN in my book, lol. 

However, now that I'm back at work and she's back with my mom, I notice the difference.  Yesterday, she had two 20 minute naps with my mom.  In the afternoon, with me, she was her normal self, eating and napping as she does on her regular routine.  However, she had some trouble falling asleep at night and then she woke up around 11 p.m. crying.  DH tried consoling her, feeding her, etc., and, even though, she drank more milk with him, she just wouldn't stop crying.  So, I finally stepped in to see if she was still hungry, but as soon as he put her in my arms, she snuggled up to me and fell asleep.... mamitis???  IDK.  I put her back down in the crib and she slept until the morning. 

I spoke with my mom this morning about trying to follow the routine as much as possible.  Some flexibility is okay, but I just emphasized to make sure she eats every 3 hours and to put her down for naps before she reaches the 2-hour mark of awake time.  As usual, she said okay, but when I checked in a little while later, Elise had been crying most of the morning.  I feel reallllllly bad now b/c my mom said I make her anxious with my "regimen" and that she feels like she's doing something wrong when she can't follow it.  But, I don't know how else to explain to her that it's not a schedule I've imposed on Elise, it's just her pattern and if you follow that pattern there's not much crying b/c you're following her cues and anticipating her needs.  DH follows it just fine when he stays home with her but IDK what happens when she goes to my mom's house.  I've also told her she needs to get rid of all the crib toys so she doesn't associate it with play b/c in the beginning she played with her in the crib a lot. 

DH thinks that my mom may be overstimulating her since she wants to play and laugh with her a lot.  He's also pointed out that the grandparents (all of them) just want to make her smile and then when she gets cranky they all get nervous like if something's wrong with her.  So, IDK if they know how to read her cues.  I feel really bad right now.  I'm having that working mom guilt right now which makes me want to leave and just go be with her.  IDK if I should keep checking in on my mom and giving her advice or just let her do what she wants and I'll just deal with it in the afternoons. 

Sorry so long.

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Re: grandma as caretaker vent

  • claudia01claudia01

    Hi friend, I'm sorry you are all going through this and stressed out. I know your mom wants to do right by you and Elise, but it sounds like she doesn't really understand what you are saying. Maybe have her spend all day Saturday with you so you can show her the cues you are talking about and what you mean?

    Good luck!

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  • mjzmjz

    :( Sorry you're going through this. I like the idea of having your mom spend a Saturday with you so you can point out the cues. Maybe that will help her a lot. What about having your mom come to your house to watch Elise? IDK if that would help. It sounds like Elise has a great little pattern going and she goes along with it wherever she it, but maybe it'd help your mom. Sigh. That's tough, because I don't know how I'd handle it if it were my mom.

    Maybe take the time aspect out of it and emphasize watching her hunger and sleepy cues. I had a turning point with our sitter because I was stressing out over the whole timing issue. I was afraid she was letting him snack throughout the day instead of having dedicated feeding times three hours apart (which I worried would somehow complicate our nursing relationship and napping at home). But they slowly got into a groove and there's a pattern there that doesn't interfere with our natural one at home. It's not the same as when I'm with Javy, but that's OK because it seems to work out.

    Good luck. I know this isn't much help. I think what helps me is thinking of the two places as distinct and deserving of their own pattern/routine, and then allowing myself to relax about that. As long as one doesn't screw up the other, of course. Easier said than done. 

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  • MrsJOSEnADRIMrsJOSEnADRI
    Jose has suggested the same thing, but now I'm considering taking a day off and spending it with them @ my mom's house.    In the beginning, I emphasized her cues with my mom, but when I saw that wasnt working is when I started emphasizing the time.  Maybe, I should go back to showing her the cues.  I dont mind if she were to develop her own schedule with elise and then she and I have our own in the afternoons.  But, it seems like she still hasn't developed her own routine.  
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  • AlbahAlbah member

    You got some great suggestions Adri. Spending the day with them at your mom's house is a good idea. I agree, Elise doesn't have to have the same routine at home than at grandma's. As long as she is comfy and all her needs are met, it should be fine. Just out of curiosity, did Elise's fussiness increase this week or has it been a problem since before? The reason I ask is that maybe Elise is still used to being with you during spring break. At around Elise's age they start developing "stranger anxiety". And being away from grandma for 1 week can throw things off in her world. And now that she's back with grandma she misses you. Mamitis is a strong possibility at this time and imagine, she was with you all last week and now has gone back to being with grandma full time.

    I know it can be a tough balance. You want Elise to be comfy and happy, but at the same time you don't want it to come at the expense of grandma feeling nervous or uncomfortable. Having our mom's take care of our kids is a wonderful thing but there is a fine line....giving them some freedom to care for our kids is important so that they don't feel restricted and unhappy but at the same time we need to set certain 'schedules' since we do know our kids best.  Good luck Adri!

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  • MrsJOSEnADRIMrsJOSEnADRI

    It really is a fine line to balance how much to let go and how much to control.  

    We had the issue before.  We always noticed the difference during the weekends.  Spring break just confirmed it for me.  It makes me want to be a SAHM and makes me feel guilty about coming to work.  

    I think spending a day together will help the most at this point.  I'll talk to her today when i pick up Elise. 

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